m1ke's blog

Pants are dumb

2011-06-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

This blog post is about pants. I hate pants. I hate wearing them. I hate washing them. I hate folding them. Pants are the bane of my existence. It really does suck that pants are required attire in a professional environment. When I get home from work do I get a glass of water first? NO, I take my pants off. I understand that pants were a necessary item ten thousand years ago when mankind was scavenging for nuts and berries. They protected ones knees from scrapes and hid ones scent from attacking raptors. Just kidding, there is no hiding from an attacking raptor.

Pants are also dumb because of that phrase "We all put our pants on one leg at a time". What does that even mean? Who the hell cares how you put your pants on? The phrase should be "We all take our pants off both legs at a time because pants are dumb and no one likes wearing them".

Girls are lucky because they have the option of not wearing pants. They get to prance around in all manner of frictionless clothing like skirts and dresses. Plus, when a cool breeze comes through the door, it cools down their hoo-hah on a terribly hot day, which I can only imagine is pleasant. Pants block this breeze and instead only trap heat which means you are going to sweat all day.

Pants also suck while driving. They bunch up around the ass and knees and it means you constantly have to readjust your clothing while in traffic. I don’t think it is legal to drive while pantsless but it should be. If I am ever emperor of Earth, one of my first acts will be to allow vehicles to be driven while not wearing pants. Also, pants will be banned from my kingdom.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that there needs to be some innovation in the world of clothing. Pants had their day in the sun and it is time for them to be cast aside. Literally. Into a fire.

*Shout out to Christine for the inspiration for this post!

MLB out to ruin baseball again

2011-06-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

Hooray, time for a sports blog! I recently heard some rather disturbing news that Major League Baseball is considering a move to "realign" all teams in the sport. According to the report from "a top official", the 6 divisions would be done away with completely and only the 2 leagues with 16 teams each would remain. The top 8 teams with the best record from each league would then make the playoffs. On paper this makes a lot of sense. In most recent history for instance, the top team in the National League West would make the playoffs with a sub .500 record while a team in the National League East would miss out on the playoffs with a 90+ win season simply because they play in a better division. So this would essentially eliminate the wildcard and all the shenanigans that go along with it. Great.

Ok, where this plan is not so good is in the details. For the plan to executed, one National League team would have to jump to the American League side since there are currently 16 National League teams and only 14 American League teams. This is a relic of the last "realignment" that changed the amount of divisions from 2 to 3 and added the wild card with the Milwaukee Brewers jumping from the American League to the National League for some reason leaving the NL Central with 6 teams (only division with 6 teams) and the AL West with 4 teams (only division with 4 teams). So obviously the solution is to just move the Brewers back to the American League where they belong, right? Well, no. In MLB's infinite wisdom, they have allegedly proposed moving the Astros from the National League to the American League to incite some sort of rivalry between them and the Rangers.

This is dumb for a multitude of reasons. Bear in mind that the following opinions are those of an Astros fan and are thereby biased as such. First off, I believe that the Astros have been selected for realignment simply because they are absolutely miserable right now*. They are dead last in almost every stat in baseball and also have the worst record in all of baseball. So I think the MLB's thinking was along the lines of "who the hell cares what happens to the Astros". Well, for starters, I do. A lot of people do. This is not some pitiful franchise that has never accomplished anything like the, pardon my rudeness, Milwaulkee Brewers. The Brewers' only pennant was in 1982 when they were an American League team. It only makes sense to move a team that has a League Championship back to the league they won that championship in. It would be equally stupid to move the Astros, a team that has a National League Championship, into a league where that would essentially mean nothing. This is really the most no-brainer part of my argument.

My second point of contention is that the American League has the Designated Hitter. The DH is an abomination to baseball. Always has been, always will be. I enjoy watching the National League brand of the sport where all 9 players on the field have to take an at-bat. The strategy and "small-ball", boring as some may say, are really what make the sport great for me. I don't really have much else to add here other than to reiterate how much the DH sucks and is ruining baseball.

Lastly, it has been said that an Astros and Texas Rangers rivalry would be good for the region. I couldn't disagree more. While it is generally good fun when the Astros and Rangers play each other during the regular season, the proposed rivalry could never top the current rivalry the Astros currently have with the St. Louis Cardinals. In the glory days of the Astros in 2003-2005, the Cardinals played a large part in the Astros getting to their first NLCS and finally winning it the next year. Everyone is always going to remember the shot that Albert Pujols hit off of Brad Lidge with 2 outs in the top of the 9th inning of game 5 of the NLCS that would have sent the Astros to their first World Series in team history. All the history is already there. You simply can’t create rivals by switching teams around the league. They are made on the field of play.

Anyway, I guess the point of this post is for me to just vent a little about the current ideas being pondered by Major League Baseball. MLB, if nothing else, is great at coming up with ideas for solving problems that don’t really exist. If you don't believe me, just look at the dumb All-Star game. Their best bet is to just leave well-enough alone and stop tinkering with is otherwise a great sport.

*Don't even get me started on how pathetic the Astros are this season. I don't even want to talk about it.

Summer Time!

2011-06-01T08:13:00.001-07:00

Wow, June 1st already. The year is really flying by. Feels like it was just yesterday when I was stranded outside the Mezz at 4am on New Year's Eve. Now summer is here and, as usual, it is absolutely God awful hot outside. This year is a little unique in the fact that, here in Houston, we have had almost zero rain. April and May are generally the months where we get the giant storms of the century that knock power out and prevent me from playing xbox and blogging. Summer time also means the return of the dreaded hurricane season. I only say dreaded because you would absolutely not believe the hype it gets in the media around here when the season starts. Every year it is the same "how to be prepared for the apocalyptic storm that is surely going to kill everything and everyone that you have ever loved ever." Is it too much to ask the media to spin up the wheels on the fear machine only when there is a reasonable likelihood of being hit by one of these storms? Yes? *sigh*.

And, of course, there is the annual report out of Colorado State University (who, by the way, has never been hit by a hurricane) who predicts, every year, that the upcoming season will be the most horrifying and intense season that dwarfs even the most terrifying nightmares that mankind has ever had. This news, without fail, always drives up the prices of gas at the pump due to the speculation that some oil refineries might be knocked offline for a few days because of a storm. What a beautiful twisted system we have.

It is kind of funny that today, the first day of hurricane season, there happens to be a "disturbance" in the area of the Atlantic Ocean near Florida which means that news stations across the country have coverage similar to this:

Then, after a few months of little to no activity usually around August, the Colorado State people will inevitably revise their outlook downward for the current hurricane season and the news stations will be all like:

Must be nice to be able to make predictions year after year that end up having to be "revised" and still have people hanging on your every word because you were right "that one time."

At any rate, I generally enjoy Hurricane season for what it is. Sure, they can be devastating storms that cause tremendous amounts of loss of property and life, but at the same time I can't help but look at them in awe for what they are. So, with that in mind, here are a couple links to keep you apprised of the 2011 Hurricane Season. None of these links have scare coverage or anything like that, just raw information, which is great if you just want to know some information about a particular hurricane. So before you panic when a hurricane does form, crack open a beer first and check out some of these links before you start looting and pillaging your neighborhood. Enjoy!

National Hurricane Center: The National Weather Service page about both the Atlantic and Pacific active hurricanes.

TropicWX: A no frills weather map site with satellite, radar, infrared ocean temps, time-lapse animations and much more.

StormPulse: Great hurricane tracking site that shows the possible future path of a hurricane based on several different models.

Going for Gold

2011-05-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I participated in one of the defining moments of my life. I won a gold medal at the 2011 Bar Olympics in the Flip Cup event! Our team, Drinks on the House, simply dominated the event. So now that I am like Tara Lipinski famous I get to enjoy all the perks that come with winning such a prestigious award. No more paying for valet parking, no more convictions in murder cases and no more having to buy my own drinks at bars. Hell, I might even open up my own bar and call it the Gold Club or something where the waitresses will be miniature giraffes who have also won gold medals at some sort of animal Olympics. Also, only fellow Gold Medalists would be allowed in, so suck it Nancy Kerrigan. (Why do I have this much knowledge of early 1990’s era ice skaters?)

There were no silver medalists at these particular Olympics. You either won big or went home. Our team did have a pretty decent advantage over the competition which tended to be a bit older and less experienced in the area of college drinking games. Nevertheless, I will hang my medal proudly on my wall and recount my tale of glory to all who will listen! It was a single-elimination bracket style event with 9 teams. Our team defeated 3 other teams on our way to victory with no opponent progressing past their second player. We literally smoked all of them and they were all left crying in shame.

It wasn’t all fun and games however. Out team participated in several other events and brought much shame to ourselves and our families in nearly all of them. We lost miserably in the darts event due to the repeated failure to close out in a game of 301. The Golden Tee event was just an abysmal failure. Basketball? FAIL. Blackjack started off well and then turned into what Blackjack always inevitably turns into: FAIL. IN 9-Ball, we actually advanced to the second round and then lost in spectacular fashion. At any rate, I don’t care because all I wanted to do was win a medal! Did I mention that it was a Gold Medal? I did? Tyte.

So I guess next year we will have to defend our title. It should be an easy task as we won the thing while having an inebriation level of moderate to high. So as long as Jimmy Carter doesn't cancel next year's games, I figure we are a shoe-in for a repeat.

ZOMG ROYAL WEDDING

2011-04-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a short post today because I really don’t have much to comment on about this topic. That topic is, of course, The Royal Wedding. Unless you have been living under a rock in North Korea, you have probably heard a thing or two about the "Most Important Wedding of the Century." Apparently it is still a big deal for the figurehead of an antiquated form of tyrannical monarchy to marry a regular person of the unwashed masses. So much of a big deal, in fact, that 2 billion around the world are expected to watch the event live on television. News stations here in the US have been going on and on about this wedding for literally weeks. And I'm not just talking about the 24 hour news networks. Just this morning I was watching the local morning news about the horrifying tornadoes that have ravaged the southern part of the US only to be followed up by live coverage of the Royal Wedding rehearsal ceremonies in London. "Well there's not much to see right now Tom, but we're hoping to get a shot or 2 of the changing of the guard which we'll be bring to you live at the top of the hour."

My only questions is this...Why? Why does anybody outside of the Royal Family, let alone entire countries around the world, even care? I’m not trying to be rude or insensitive or anything like that. By all means, I wish the future couple only the best of luck in life and love. But why do so many other people care about this event? I asked a couple of women about this and they all gave me more or less the same response: "Every girl dreams of being a princess." Ok, I get that. I would love to be King. Who wouldn’t? But that is not what is happening here. This guy Prince William is a prince IN NAME ONLY. He wields no authority over any aspect of the people of England save for celebrity status slightly higher than that of the Kardashians. It literally makes no sense to me why everyone is treating this thing like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Oh well, I doubt I'll ever understand it. I just want this wedding to be done and over with so we can get back to real coverage that matters, like who Randy thinks will win American Idol and the buildup towards Oprah’s final episode.

Angry Words

2011-03-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday I went out to the miserable Best Buy and picked myself up a Motorola Xoom. I had been wanting one for a while and with the release of the wifi-only version (no pricy data plan required) on Sunday, I figured what the hell and went out and got one. I'm not going to be reviewing the device here because there are literally a a brazillion people who have already done so. (Isn't it funny how the word "literally" now literally means "not literally?" Language evolution is fun.) Feel free to go watch a few YouTube videos if you have no idea what the device is. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Great, welcome back. Ok so as you know by now, the Xoom is an Android (made by teh Googles) powered device which means that I have now joined the ranks of people who have non-obsolete mobile based operating systems. I'm looking at you Palm Pre. Anyway, with the Xoom I am finally able to play with all the games and apps that the cool kids have had for quite a while now. Specifically the game "Angry Birds", which does indeed make me quite angry and "Words with Friends" (which is a scrabble type game for all you non-cool kids out there) which is incredibly infuriating due to the fact that my friends are all better at it than I am. Also, the word "lulz" is not accepted as valid submission for some reason...

Well, due to my love of Sci-Fi channel X + Y animal combination "horror" movies, I propose a similar new game: Angry Words. I thought about maybe going with Words with Birds but felt that people might think it was some kind app for teaching words to species of theropod descent (Birds). And let’s be fair, there would not be a large enough target market for that game, only targets. And if you don't get that joke then you aren't a fan of Futurama (The original, that is. Not that God-awful reincarnation that airs on Comedy Central.)

The idea behind Angry Words (which I am going to trademark) is that you would get a customizable amount of Angry birds to be fired at your opponents word when you feel they have cheated or otherwise got super lucky with a Z,Q,J combination. As we all know (us cool kids anyway), whenever someone drops a successful Z,J or Q on a triple letter or triple word combo, it makes you want to rage quit faster than Lindsay Lohan at a rehab facility. So you would get let's say 3 chances a game to bust out what is essentially a trump card for ridiculousness. The birds would still be fired from a slingshot and the number of birds could be agreed upon at the beginning of the game and there would be a bonus at the end of the game for any unused birds. This would make the game more of a skill game while at the same time discouraging cheating. Also, how fun would it be to know that your friend on the other side of the internet is enraged because you blew up their word that took nearly 4 hours of researching on the internet!

So what do you guys think? Pretty sweet idea, huh? Not as cool as the Sharktopus or the impending Piranhaconda that SyFy is about to release but pretty cool nevertheless in this author’s opinion. Admit it, you would want to play this game! Also, the Xoom is awesome and I recommend it to all you nerdy people out there!

Shoutout: Congrats Christine on your 200th post!
Bonus Shoutout: This one goes out to Michelle for requesting a shoutout in order for her to read this post!

Dumb terrorists

2011-03-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, super FAIL at updating this thing more often. Oh well, today we are going to talk about terrorism. I was reading this article the other day and it got me to thinking "wow, this is the best they got now?" Don't get me wrong, I’m not complaining that Al Queda has been reduced to sending the Gomer Pyle of terrorists to attack us, but seriously, these are the people responsible for me having my rectal temperature taken every time I board a plane now?

It seems to me that on 9/11/01, Al Queda sent their best 19 guys and ever since then they have been sending the guys who rode the short bus to the terrorist training camp. Since then, we've had "Guy who lights foot on fire", "Guy who lights crotch on fire" and "Guy who tried to light jet fuel on fire". The terrorist in the article above picked Detroit to blow up because it was the cheapest flight he could afford. When price is a major factor in your terrorist plans, I'm pretty sure you are doing it wrong.

Another tidbit from the article was how the guy "rose through the ranks. He was assigned the job in Aden to videotape the 1998 suicide bombing of the USS Cole, which killed 17 sailors and injured 39 others, but fell asleep." It goes on to say "he is now a mid-level manager in the organization." What? Mid-level manager? When did Al Queda turn into a Dilbert cartoon? Do these guys get paid time off and an extensive benefits package? Do they get to upgrade their company suicide-bomb-car from a Ford Taurus to the Escalade? I am honestly very confused here. These terrorists hate us so much that they have practically become us. Next thing you know they will be complaining about Linda in payroll about how much she jibber-jabbers at company parties and how much money they have lost in their terror 401k’s. (A terror 401k invests in the Terror Stock Market, duh.)

So what is next for these terrorists? Tearing off mattress tags? Not using the tongs at a buffet? Farting in the elevator? Who knows. All I know is that I find it simply hilarious when these guys fail so miserably. It is such a shame that our societal rules preclude us from firing these failed terrorists right into the sun.

I was on a boat

2011-02-15T14:58:00.000-08:00

Wow, nearly 3 months without an update, a new personal best. I want to say I will try to update this more often but work has been really stressful recently and I just haven’t had the energy to write up one of these things. By the way, isn't that what blogs are for anyway, to only post about why you aren't posting enough? Anyway, now that I'm done with the excuses, on to the blog.

Ok so let's see, what's been going on lately? Well I took a cruise to Cozumal and Progresso last month. While there I picked up a box of Cuban Cigars and a Poncho. And no, I don’t get one of those brightly colored ones either. I got the kind that Marty was wearing when he was doing his Clint Eastwood impression in Back to the Future 3. You know, the duel scene with Biff "Mad Dog" Tannen. Great movie. Anyway so I got those things but I was unable to acquire something I thought for sure I’d be able to find: an authentic Mexican torta house. We must have wandered all over the place looking for a place that sold tortas, but alas, no luck. It was truly a tragedy.

And I wouldn't consider myself a cigar smoker per se, but by golly those were some of the finest smokeables I have ever purchased. Imagine me on the top deck of the boat, in my full captain attire, smoking a big fat cigar. It reeked of classy. I got the cigars on the cheap as well. Talked the guy down from 50 bucks down to 20. I also got a legit pair of cigar cutters in the duty-free area in Cozumel. He wanted 15 but I got him down to 6! Bartering with the locals is a blast!

The cruise was a lot of fun and I can't wait until I book the next one. The next vacation destination for me appears to be Vegas yet again since the good folks over at Total Rewards continue to inundate me with offers for free nights there. That trip will probably take place around my birthday although nothing is set in stone just yet.

Hopefully this post will give me the spark I've needed to get back to posting on this thing regularly. I mean, only 18 posts for all of last year? Pathetic. Ok well that's all for now, hopefully I'll have something with a little more substance next week. Oh wait, you don't come here for substance.

Profoundity

2010-11-02T11:57:00.000-07:00

This last Sunday, season 2 of "Eastbound and Down" came to a close. And although I felt this season was no where near the level of awesome that was the first, it still had its funny moments. The episode on Sunday closed with a quote that I found rather profound and since I so rarely find things to be profound I figured I would share it with you here:

"Just like that the journey is over. Depression is finished and you're on your way back to the world of the living, smiling, regular people. The road has been paved with dickheads, back-stabbers, and pains in the fucking ass. But memories are made, allies were had, pole smokers were toppled and the truth was discovered. And like any journey, if you stay the course long enough, the road might just show you what you need. All you got to do is keep your eyes on the road and your foot on the fucking gas." -Kenny Powers

So there you have it. And since this will inevitably be the only post I put on this blog this month, I hope you will savor it and enjoy the profoundity of it!

Drew Brees owes me 825 dollars.

2010-10-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

Ok we haven't had a sports blog in a good long while and since this weekend was probably the worst sports weekend ever for me personally, I figured it was time for one.

Let's start with the Texas Rangers. After winning the first two games of the ALDS in Tampa Bay, the Rangers somehow didn't get the memo that you actually have to win the 3rd in order to advance. So now the series is all tied up at 2 games each after Tampa came into Arlington this weekend and quite frankly put a beat down on the Rangers. I still think that they will advance to the ALCS to play the Yankees, but they need to get their shit together ASAP. Luckily, I think they will have Cliff Lee starting for them in game 5 which should give them the advantage. At least the Phillies already clinched since I am quasi rooting for them in the National League.

Moving right along to the Houston Texans. I have neglected to write about them this season because I wasn't really sure how the team was going perform this year and I didn't want to jinx them. After starting out 2-0 by beating the Colts at home and the Redskins on the road in their first ever overtime victory, there was some considerable hype that this might be “the year". I'm talking, of course, about making the playoffs. (Playoffs?). ESPN had the Texans ranked number 3 in their power rankings after week 2. Well I must admit that after watching yesterday's game against the Giants, I would be surprised if they managed to finish 8-8 this season. In fact, that is my most optimistic scenario since the Texans are your classic "Myspace Angle" team at 3-2. In all likelihood, they will finish at 7-9 or 6-10 just like we always expect them to. Until they can figure out how to show up week in and week out, I just don't see the team doing anything of value. Beating the Colts at home in the season opener doesn't mean jack if you aren't able to finish out the rest of the season.

And now for the triple whammy, the New Orleans Saints. I decided to play in a Survivor/Knock-Out style fantasy game this year. The idea is that you pay 15 bucks at the beginning of the season and then pick an NFL team to win each week. No point spread or anything, just win. If your team loses, you are out and if they win you continue on. Last man standing gets all the money. The only catch is that once you pick a team, you can no longer use them the rest of the season. I had planned out a perfect road map for the season and figured that the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints would be able to beat the miserable Arizona Cardinals who were starting an undrafted rookie quarterback. Boy was I wrong. Drew Brees took it upon himself to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by throwing 2 interceptions in the 4th quarter, both of which led to touchdowns for the Cardinals. It is in that respect that I figure Drew Brees owes me 825 dollars. The game was a lock for crying out loud!

Ah, felt good to get that all out of my system. I thought it was an omen that this Sunday was 10/10/10. I figured that all 3 teams I was rooting for would get "10's" for their performance. So much for superstition. By the way, there is a slight chance that I will be going to the Texans/Chiefs game this Sunday. Should that opportunity present itself, you can bet your ass that I will be wearing a bag over my head. Look for me on tv!

*EDIT*
I forgot that I was supposed to give Christine a shout out. So here it is, go check out her blog here!

The Sharktopus

2010-09-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

This past week, I noticed that the word "Sharktopus” was a trending topic on Twitter. Intrigued, I looked up what all the fuss was about. You see, since I no longer have cable, I am occasionally behind the ball on new TV shows and made for TV movies. Sharktopus was one of those movies airing on the Sci Fi channel. After reading some of the reviews on the internet and watching the promo commercial, I decided that I had to see this thing.

So last night, I watched the Sharktopus movie. I'm using the word "movie” lightly here since there was really only about 30 minutes of actual plot related material. The other 60 or so minutes were the indiscriminate killings of the Sharktopus on the some sort of vacation resort in Mexico. Now, you may be asking yourself, what is the Sharktopus? Let me break it down for you one time. The Sharktopus is half man, half shark and half octopus. It was created by the DOD, apparently, to be a super stealthy killing machine or something. It was controlled by a control collar that conveniently gets destroyed in the opening scenes of the film, thus setting up the story.

You obviously cannot go into this movie expecting anything but entertainment value. I found myself laughing at the simple absurdity of most of the kill scenes. The Sharktopus can impale people with its tentacles, jump into the air to catch a bungee jumper and walk on fucking land. I bet you thought the Sharktopus would be confined to its watery home, but you'd be wrong. The Sharktopus can climb mountains to kill people in a cliff top restaurant. Also, the Sharktopus doesn't even consume his victims; he just kills them for what I can only assume is the pure joy of it.

I'm not going to go into any more of the plot details because I honestly believe you should watch this movie. It has everything a Sci Fi movie of the week should have: overzealous reporter, power drunk Shartopus creator, down to earth Shartopus creator's daughter, former Navy Seal hero, annoying radio DJ guy and girls in skimpy outfits. I applaud the Sci Fi channel for knowing no bounds when coming up with these films.

What's next, Sci Fi channel? Got any more ideas for the next half something half something killing machine? How about a half crocodile half hippopotamus: The Croctopotomus! It can even have the same plot and story! Think about it: "The Navy, wanting to have a bigger yet also stealthier presence in the Sub-Saharan jungle, creates a new breed of monster, The Crotopotomus. But, due to a malfunction, the Crotopotomus is released in downtown New York where it dwells in the run down subway lines waiting for its next victim.” And then at the end you could have it climbing the Empire State building or something for no adequately explored reason. And when the monster is finally killed at the end by the Army or another Croctopotomus or something, the creator will weep and shout to the heavens: "Who's the real 7 billion dollar monster now? Not I…..not…I.” Credits roll.

All rights reserved. Just be sure to send me my movie check when it gets made.

Las Vegas Road Trip

2010-09-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

This post is a long time coming. I apologize in advance if it is TLDR. It has already been a month since I took the road trip and it was about damn time that I blogged about it. A little bit of history first, the idea to go on a road trip to Vegas originated from watching a day long marathon of History Channel's Pawn Stars. It was during this marathon that my brother jokingly reminded me that I had yet to sell the Country Legends autographed guitar that I had purchased at a charity auction earlier the previous year. I jokingly responded by saying that I should drive to Las Vegas and attempt to get on the Pawn Stars show and sell my guitar there. For some reason, we both got really serious about the idea and just sort of ran with it since 1) my brother has never been to vegas and 2) I really wanted to go to vegas again.

So we set out. I drove from Houston to San Antonio to pick my brother up from his school on a Friday after work. The next morning we woke up around 6:00am and proceeded to drive to Albuquerque, NM, some 800 miles away. That first day was rather uneventful. Getting stopped at the border control stations along the way always makes me nervous for some reason. I mean, I am a legal citizen who is also not a drug mule but nevertheless I always think in the back of my head that I am one of those drug mules who doesn't even know it and I would end up going to prison like in that awful Claire Danes movie Brokedown Palace. I was also pleasantly surprised at how nice of a city Las Cruces was. I guess I really never had a reason to think it would be a dump other than the fact that it is in the middle of the freaking desert and I just figured it would have more of a The Hills Have Eyes kind of vibe. I couldn't have been more wrong; Las Cruces had a Jack in the Box and Super Target and everything else you would expect to find in a civilization. Albuquerque was nice too.

Ok so the next morning we got up early again and hit the road bound for the Grand Canyon. This segment of the journey really struck me at just how empty the parts of northern New Mexico and Arizona really are. At best we would see a truck stop every 80 or so miles but pretty much everything else was just flat plains with the occasional mountain range. Oh, and the 4 for $20 Indian t-shirt deals that were advertised every 4 miles or so. That day's trip was relatively short compared to the epic 13 hour drive the day before. We arrived in Williams, AZ around 1:00 local time and attempted to check into our hotel. The story about this hotel is so long and ridiculous that I will spare you it right now for another blog post. Anyway, check in time was 3:00 so we decided just to grab some food real fast and do all of the Grand Canyon stuff that day before checking in to the hotel later at night. The Grand Canyon was awesome as usual.

I was pretty surprised at the amount of foreign visitors that were there. I would say that maybe 30-40% of the folks there were French and maybe another 20% of the people were from Asian countries. I didn't remember it being so culturally diverse the last time I was there.

Quick tangent: On the way to the Grand Canyon, my brother and I got the opportunity to go to Meteor Crater. Set aghast by the $15 dollar admission fee, I began plotting my revenge. While exploring the crater, I picked up a small rock on the outer rim and put it in my pocket. I sure showed those guys! Now fast forward to being at the Grand Canyon. I decided that it would be in mine and all future generation's best interest if I hurled the rock from Meteor Crater into the Grand Canyon. And I did exactly that. Think about it, in 8 brazillion years (that's 4.7 years in metric), alien archaeologists are going to be poking around in the Grand Canyon, find my rock and say "By golly, Grog, this rock shouldn't be here, this throws my whole view of ancient Earth in a New Light I tell ya". Grog is the name of an alien, in case you couldn't pick that up through context clues. Also, the aliens are from the southern region of whatever alien world they come from.

Moving along, the next day was the day we would be driving into Las Vegas! Having driven this route before, I remembered that we would be passing over Hoover Dam. This was an unexpected bonus from my brother who had never been there before. The water beneath the dam looked even lower than the last time I was there when it was already pretty damn low. According to Wikipedia, the entire basin is expected to be dried up in the next 20 years. Scary thought for folks like me who like Las Vegas having electricity and running water. But that is a problem for future people to figure out…it was time to do some gambling! We stayed at Bally's since I had complimentary nights there. I like staying at Bally's because it is right in the middle of the strip and you don't have to walk too far in either direction to get where you want to go. So we did some gambling and my brother won quite a bit of money right off the bat with his bullshit beginner's luck while I had a pretty heavy dose of veteran gambler's luck. I managed to win a poker tournament at Mandalay Bay the second day we were there, the very same Mandalay Bay which began a series of unfortunate events that led to me being kicked out of the Luxor Hotel and Casino last time I was in town.

So we stayed in Las Vegas for 2 nights. There was a plan to stay for 3 but we were both pretty vacationed out by this point. I laid some money on my Super Bowl picks and we headed out to the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop that was the main reason for this whole trip anyway.

The pawn shop is a lot smaller than it looks on TV. None of the people you see on the show were working the day we went there. This was a disappointment to my brother who really wanted to meet Chumlee. They had some of the stuff from the TV show in the show room and a merchandise area that I have never seen on the show. My brother and I both picked up a Chumlee t-shirt and we went back to the car to bring the guitar inside and do some dealing. After standing in line behind a guy who was pawning his Xbox 360 for what I could only assume was drug money, we stepped up to and placed the guitar on the counter. The counter where we were at was the place where you usually see them paying people on the show for the items that have been brought in. It was really cool seeing the desk behind the counter where the old man sits. Long story short, the guy pretty much offered me the same amount of money for the guitar that I had bought it for. "I can't even get near the 2k you are looking for", he said. Discouraged, I took my guitar with me back home where it will no doubt lay in anguish for a while until it appreciates a little more in value. Fail.

So we left Las Vegas, headed back over the Hoover Dam and proceeded to drive to Tucson, AZ. The original plan was to stay in Tucson for a night, explore some of the things around there the next day and then drive back to Las Cruces for one final night. It turns out that we were so sick of driving that we decided to forgo the final night of our trip and just drive straight back to San Antonio from Tucson. This was hardly the scenic route that we took on the first half of our trip. Driving through the empty desert is certainly not as nice as driving through forested mountain ranges and plains. Luckily with these new fangled phones and cars, we were able to listen to hours and hours of uninterrupted music which definitely cut down on the mundanity (not sure if that is a word…) of driving 867 miles. We made it back into San Antonio around 8pm, only 13.5 hours after we departed Tucson. 80mph speed limit zones really help out on long stretches of road like that.

All in all it was a fantastic trip. Getting back out to the Grand Canyon and finally getting to see Meteor Crater were definitely highlights of the trip. My brother had a great time in Vegas. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time in Vegas as well, I just would have had a better time if I had got the $2000 I was hoping for at the pawn shop. At just over 3300 miles, it was a little bit less than driving from coast to coast. As much fun as it was retelling this story, you must absolutely stay tuned for my post about the adventure we experienced at the hotel in Williams, Arizona. It was nothing short of a debacle.

Ok, I am just under 3 full pages in Microsoft Word right now, better stop typing. This is by far my longest post on this blog yet and should make up for the utter lack of updates recently. If you actually read through this whole post then I applaud you for being able to fight through my incoherent rambling. Be sure to leave a note in the comments on if this post even made sense. Hopefully I will be able to get back to updating this thing with some kind of regularity.

And now for some keyword selection...

Writers Block

2010-08-06T12:21:00.000-07:00

It's official, I have the dreaded writers block. Not that I ever had anything of particular interest to write about before, mind you. With that in mind, let's do a little bit of brainstorming for future blog posts, shall we?

The mathematics of quantum neutrino fields.

The mathematics of wonton burrito meals.

How good or bad an endangered animal might taste.

Hurling various items into the sun and their order of said hurling.

Cartography: A Love Story.

Real life Gold Farming.

A discussion about the various items on my desk.

Possibility of consuming 10 McDouble cheeseburgers in 10 minutes.

Mosquitoes: An Apocalypse.

Electricity: Is it magic?

The freakin Energizer Bunny: A tale of Horror.

Writers block: A smorgasbord of bad brainstorming.

See? See what I mean? These ideas are all terrible. I mean MAYBE the one about mosquitoes, but seriously!

Anyway, I’m on Foursquare now. Go there and stalk me, you stalkers.

Pawn Super Star

2010-07-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been watching a lot of the show "Pawn Stars" on the History channel. In case you aren't familiar with the show, it basically chronicles the day to day operations of a pawn shop in Las Vegas. And in case you really don't know, pawn shops are places where people bring in stuff to either sell outright or take a loan out against that stuff in order to buy drugs and/or pay off their loan shark. The show is interesting in the fact that people bring in some really weird and unique items that are sometimes worth a lot of money.

Now, why is this relevant to anything? Well, if you recall, I purchased a Country Legends autographed guitar about one and a half years ago. This guitar was autographed by country legends such as George Strait, BB King, Kenny Rogers, Charlie Daniels, Willie Nelson and Loretta Lynn. The idea at the time was to flip the guitar and make insane amounts of money. In fact, that is still the idea, one of my best.

You see, I plan on taking this guitar to that very pawn shop on the History channel. The reasons for this are three fold. 1.) Taking a trip to Vegas. 2.) Selling this guitar for lots of money. 3.) Did I mention Vegas? Not too mention the fun I am going to have haggling with the guy and potentially being on tv. I’m thinking about walking into the place with my newly purchased Captain's Hat that I got in Port Aransas over the weekend so they know I mean business when I walk through the door.

The current plan is to drive out to Vegas with my brother who has never been there before as an adult. I will then sell the guitar for a large amount of money and then I will make it rain in the club. Well, at least in the hotel room.

As to the decrepit state of this blog, yes, I have been neglecting it pretty bad recently. Hopefully that will all change on this road trip where I plan on blogging through out the entirety of the drive out there and back. If I am not too lazy, maybe I will upload a few pictures of the voyage as well. I am taking a much needed whole week off work to accomplish this. So stay tuned for more updates!

Christine and I again both recently passed the $100 mark in Google monies and are currently planning the party where it will all be wasted, ie: more riot punch! You can check out her blog here to keep the monies flowing into our accounts. You do want the monies flowing, right? Of course you do.

Painting and Alcohol

2010-07-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

*stock photo, mine was a billion times better*

So this past weekend, I went with a couple friends to this thing called "Painting with a Twist”. The idea is that you show up, and these people will walk you through the step by step process of creating a masterpiece on canvas. Oh and there is also booze involved, hence the “twist” in the title. Now if you know me at all, you know I have the artistic skills of a rabid badger that has been drinking too much. However, it turns out that I am able to follow directions pretty well and needless to say my painting turned out to be one hell of a masterpiece. I’m talking Renaissance level art here.

Going into it, I figured that my painting would be, at best, abysmal. But they actually did a pretty good job of showing us how to blend the colors and create tree branches to hide any and all of the screw ups. The whole thing took about 2 hours from start to finish. And while the painting we chose to do was really effeminate (the girls chose this one), I still had a good time painting it while listening to Heather (shout out*) talking about how shitty her’s was turning out. Also, blending colors is a real bitch.

Christine (shout out*) and I each killed a bottle of smooth, delicious champagne that morning. Needless to say I was impressed with my ability to draw well while under the influence of alcohol and orange juice. All of our paintings turned out pretty well in the end. I found that the best strategy to not messing up your art was to just stop painting. The more I tried to fix problems, the more terrible it got. It’s like I always say, sometimes you just gotta put the paintbrush down and take another sip of your mimosa, you know what I mean?

So who knows, maybe I am in the wrong profession. Perhaps it was my destiny to paint the walls of the Sixteen Chapels in the Vatican or something. I would most definitely go do this again although I wouldn’t mind doing a more gender independent work. I always see people buying lame, non-masterpiece art for ridiculous prices at like Bed Bath and Beyond so I figure I could make quite a bit of monies selling my work on the side. Or, better yet, I’ll just start up my own art teaching class. With blackjack…and hookers! In fact, forget the art class...

*Shout outs were demanded by the viewing audience.

Link: Painting with a Twist

Understanding the World Cup

2010-06-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

It is no secret that I am not a big soccer fan. In fact, it might be safe to say that I am more disinterested in soccer than anyone else on the planet. I have a lot of reasons for this and I will get into them a little later in this post. Before I do that though, I want to make it perfectly clear that I tried to like it. With the World Cup starting up last week, I decided that I was going to give the sport an honest effort to understand why it is the world’s "Most Popular Sport".

First things first, a little background. I have never been able to participate in or watch soccer in any form. I am also very unaware of the rules and traditions that soccer adheres to save for the kicking the ball into the net without using your hands aspect. So I did a little bit of basic Wikipedia research on the sport before watching the opening game of the World Cup. After getting mildly educated on the sport, I felt good about the rules and the yellow cards and red cards etc. To say the least, I was pumped about the prospect of finally understanding why everyone else in the world found this game so fascinating.

I sat down to watch the first game and I was immediately annoyed. You know how when you watch regular sports and all you can hear is the occasional insight of washed up former player doing the play by play and you don't even notice the crowd at all? Well apparently, in soccer, the tradition of the fans is to be as annoying as possible by playing, and I'm going to use that word lightly, a sort of loud obnoxious horn called a vuvuzela for the whole game. I literally had to turn down the volume on my tv before I blew a hole in the back of my head. And yes, I used the word literally correctly there. Ok so, whatever, no big deal, I eventually understood that this was only a South African tradition and wasn't necessarily inherent to the actual sport itself. See, I was even getting educated about other cultures and stuff by watching.

Ok so once I got over the BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZing sound, I finally got acclimated to the pace of the game. That was until I witnessed the dreaded "offsides" penalty. Having read about this on Wikipedia, I figured that it must only happen once in a blue moon especially since the article I read praised the rule quite a bit. I found it to be the exact opposite. It is, in fact, the dumbest rule in sports ever. From what I understand, the rule is in place to prevent offensive players from just hanging around the opposing teams goal while waiting for the ball to be passed to him. This would, of course, be a "cheap shot" and I can sort of see the need for the rule to exist.

What I didn't seem to understand, however, was that this rule is applied even in the thick of the action. Take for example the game today between the USA and Slovenia. With 5 minutes left (although if you aren’t a soccer fan you would have no idea how much time is left because the dumb clock counts upward), the USA had a penalty kick which resulted in a GOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! However, the goal was called back because the US player who scored the goal was called offsides. The play in question can be seen here. Now if you get done watching that and say "yup, offsides, clear as day" then I will punch you in the baby maker.

Anyway, offsides as implemented is a dumb rule. But what about the flopping? Is that Manu Ginobli and the rest of the San Antonio spurs out there on the soccer field? Nope, just like in the NBA, soccer players feign injury in attempt to draw a yellow card for the opposing team. I will never understand the logic behind this. If soccer is such a "pure" sport, why does cheating play such a big role in it?

Do you enjoy arbitrary and unilateral officiating? I sure as hell don't, but maybe that's because I live in America where bad decisions can be overturned and rules are clearly laid out. The referee in soccer has sole authority over the game. He can eject players, reverse goals, kill your family in their sleep and decide how much "extra time" will be played at the end of each half. That's right, soccer doesn’t have a "set" amount of time. After the game clock has expired (although, once again, you'd really have no idea it had if you didn't know the rules of soccer), the referee can then add an arbitrary and secret amount of time to each half. I'm told that this is because the clock never stops during play (dumb) and it is to compensate for the time wasting activities that occur during regular play. The referee then at some point just decides that the game is over. I'm guessing that countries that live under dictatorships are the reason for this rule. After all, you know who else liked to unilaterally and arbitrarily decide stuff, don't you? That's right, HITLER.

Ok, only one more bullet point to go. Soccer fans often tell me how exciting the games are and how there is constant action on the field. While the latter may be true, the former is most certainly not. As of this posting, 6 of 12 games have ended in a tie. That's right, a tie, in the biggest tournament in the world. A couple games even ended in a 0-0 tie. How very exciting indeed. The ties wouldn't be so bad for me if I had known what happens in the unlikely event of all teams in a group tying with same amount of goals. Should that happen, the advancing teams will be decided by, wait for it…..a LOTTERY. Are you kidding me!??! Drawing names out of a hat to decide who advances in the biggest tournament in the world!?!? WHAT?!

Ok end rant. 1 billion people in the world are watching the World Cup at any given moment, and that’s gotta stand for something about soccer, right? Right? No. In fact, I am convinced that those folks only think soccer is the greatest game in the world because it is all they have. For instance, I greatly doubt that Slovenia has a riveting college football season where they get to discuss the pros and cons of Slovenia U joining the Big Asia Conference. Anyway, I will most likely continue to watch this world cup. Hopefully after watching a few more games I will be able to understand why this sport is so damn popular.

As a side note, I’d like to point out that this was my 100th post on this blog! Where’s my celebratory cake and ice cream?

Which Korea is Best Korea?

2010-05-28T08:45:00.000-07:00

There has been a great deal of news coverage lately with the talking heads discussing which Korea is best Korea. If you haven’t heard, relations between North and South Korea have reached a boiling point. A couple weeks ago, A South Korean naval ship was sunk off the coast of North Korea. After looking at all the evidence, the South Koreans determined that it was a North Korean torpedo that sunk the ship, claiming some 60 lives in the process. Also, if you haven’t already heard, the North and South Koreans are not exactly BFF. They have been involved in a war that never really ended for the past 40 or so years. Now, since I have a Masters in Pan-Asian Studies, I feel qualified to give you a brief description of how the North and South got to where they are today.

After the sinking, South Korea unfriended North Korea on facebook. They also set their relationship status to “complicated”, a common way for tweens to indicate that their relationship's are on the rocks. The North responded to this by hacking the South’s yahoo email address and forwarding a message of hate to all of the South’s contacts. The reports of this message are still fuzzy, but initial reports say it was along the lines of calling the South a bunch of “doody-heads” and insinuating promiscuity about their mothers.

The South responded to this act of aggression by tweeting about the North’s leader’s propensity to be “ronery, so very, very ronery”. North Korea was reportedly too busy following Justin Bieber updates to see the message, however. Kim Jong Il, aka the Illa of Manilla, threatened to use his WWI era technology to level Seoul, South Korea, if it sees any aggression on from the South. This is where we stand right now. The situation appears to be long past name calling and fart jokes. The UN reportedly was on the verge of writing up a strongly worded letter to the North. The letter apparently included the words "or else" and "we're really serious this time".

It is unlikely that the South would execute an attack any time in the near future, however, as Star Craft 2 is only weeks away from being released. As the entire economy of the South plunges to do lack of productivity, the North may have an ideal time to execute an attack plan of its own. North Koreans, as you know, have very little electricity and therefore are unable to play silly RPG games for hours on end. The release of Starcraft may very well prevent an all out war between the Koreas.

Tensions remain at an all time high as the world waits to see how this conflict will be resolved. One thing is for sure, this business will get out of hand. It will get out of hand and we will be lucky to live through it. (Lets play guess the quote). At any rate, officials urge everyone who had vacation plans in North Korea to seriously rethink how they got to that point in their lives with one official even saying “I didn’t think North Korea was even a real country”. Stay with me here for updates on this developing situation. I will pass along any and all trivial news about what we are now calling “The Great Saber Rattling Event of 2010 that happens to involved two countries that hate each other.” The world watches and waits.

Astros update

2010-05-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, since not much else is going on right now, I felt like this would be a great opportunity to talk about the Astros as we near the end of the first quarter of the season. As it stands today, the Astros currently have a 13-24 record fresh off being swept by the Giants (A team who had just come off a large losing streak of its own). Sadly, many, if not all, of the predictions I made at the beginning of the season have come true.

The Astros currently hold the 2nd worst record in baseball, trailing the historically miserable Baltimore Orioles by only 1 game. The team batting average is hovering around .230. The usual offensive power of Berkman and Lee is nowhere to be found as both of them are hitting near .200. Kaz Matsui, one of the worst signings of the organization in the past 2 decades, is struggling to keep his batting average above .100. The offense simply isn’t here this year. And this isn’t like years past where the offense was bad. The ‘stros are literally losing games 2-1 and 1-0.

And that brings up the sole prediction I made this year that turned out to be wrong. The pitching has been nothing short of phenomenal. Roy Oswalt has an ERA of 2.62 and a 2-5 record to show for it. It has got to be demoralizing as a pitching knowing that if you give up 2 runs there is a really good chance of you losing the game. Knowing that you have to be nothing short of perfect every single time you trot out there cannot be healthy for your state of mind. And it isn’t just Oswalt, Myers and Wandy are also having good, solid outings with little to show in the win column for their efforts.

Sadly, I believe this kind of performance is necessary for management to wake up and make some hard decisions. As much as I hate to say it, we need to start looking into gutting the team. And I mean REALLY gutting. Oswalt said he would be willing to relinquish his no trade clause in exchange for going to a contender, and I cant really blame him. Berkman too says he would be willing to part ways with the club if it meant going with a team that looks like it is headed in the right direction. Along with Lee and Matsui, those 4 guys comprise the majority of the Astros budget.

I would really like to see the Astros building a team around the young talent on the club. I think they need to lock up Pence and Bourn long term now while they are still young. After that, they need to get back to the way they build the World Series team, by getting young talent from the draft and farm clubs. They need to stop signing overpaid, overweight (cheap shot), old players that are past their prime. Sadly, we gave up so much of our farm clubs to acquire big name hot shots like Carlos Beltran back in 2004. Since then they have just been going through the motions it seems, trying to buy championships instead of developing them.

Watching the team score 0-2 runs a game is getting old fast. I’ve been noticing fewer and fewer people at the home games. I can only hope that the team doesn’t descend into darkness for the next 16 years like the Pirates who haven’t had a winning season in nearly 20 years. Hopefully this “rebuilding year” will actually be a year with rebuilding. I’m not holding my breath…

Historical tweets

2010-04-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

You probably read recently about an effort that is underway to archive and categorize the entirety of the twitterverse in the freaking Library of Congress. That’s right, the place where some of the most important documents in this country’s history reside will now also contain your melodrama about the time you couldn’t decide on what pair of pants to wear out of the house on laundry day. For a little bit of perspective on what this all will mean to future alien civilizations, I’ve gone back in time, along with twitter, and compiled some of the more interesting tweets from the past. Enjoy.

February 22, 1732: @GWashMeATon writes: Woke up this morning and the cherry tree was gone….I must have been SO wasted! BEST. NIGHT. EVAR.

July 12, 1750: @TheRealFranklin writes: Either I am really baked or I just invented electricity. LOL either way, I’m flying a kite in a lightning storm!

July 12, 1750: @ThomasEdisonGramp writes: Suck it, @TheRealFranklin!

July 4, 1776: @JeffersonROX: LOL, shit is getting real around here. Just signed a declaration of independance and told @KingGeorge to EABOD!!!!!1!

July 5, 1776: @NewUSCitizen writes: RT: @FreedomRULEZ We are now our own country! Bring on the reality TV and bacon double cheeseburgers!!!!!!!!

July 5, 1776: @WetBlanket writes: TV hasn’t been invented yet @NewUSCitizen, HURRRRR.

July 6, 1776: @JonHandontheCawk writes: Check out mah blog about our new country yall: http://newcountry.mayflowerblogs.com. It's teh BEES KNEES!

April 10 1782: @MalfunctioningEddy writes: I’m going crazy and slashing prices on my entire inventory of wagons. Hit the Oregon Trail in style by coming out to see us today!

August 31, 1803: @LewisAndClark writes: Spirits are high as we begin our expedition. Here’s hoping I brought enough pairs of pants LOL.

So there you have it, Tweets from the past. I do realize that I missed some tweets from some rather important historical events. But in my defense, I was out getting hammered with Jefferson and Franklin for the better part of my trip back in time. Boy did the food suck back then….no burritos or pizza rolls or anything.

I was a little leery at first of the idea to archive all that is Twitter. However, after my journey to the past, I can see now why this will not only be a great way to see what life was like back in the day to future generations, it will also help us to remember all the lolz we had in our own time. We will also be forced to look back and wonder why Justin Bieber was the top trending topic for a full 2 years…..

Ok, maybe it isn’t such a good idea after all.

Turbo Census

2010-04-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

Census got you down? Does the whole “10 questions in 10 minutes” thing have you confused? Well you’re in luck! Introducing, TurboCensus, from the creators of TurboTax! The simplest and least confusing way to fill out the census form HASSLE FREE!

We here at MNN sat down with the CEO of TurboCensus and this is what he had to say: “Well we noticed after many successful years of TurboTax that the public wanted a simple way to fill out any and all government forms and we figured that this was the next logical step for us.”

WOW!

With TurboCensus, you too will be able to feel confident that you will be returning a 100% error free census form, guaranteed!

Unsure about how many illegal aliens are currently residing with you? NO PROBLEM!

Unsure whether you have to count your 37 year old basement dweller son? NO PROBLEM!

Have problems counting things in general? NO PROBLEM!

TurboCensus will walk you step by step during the entire process. Simply pop in the cd, and fill out the Census form ON YOUR TIME! You can even pause and save your progress while taking a break to go watch your favorite television show!

Act right now and we’ll also send you a copy of TurboGetYourLifeTogether, FREE OF CHARGE! That’s right, the award winning software that walks you step by step throughout the process of getting your life back on track! YOURS FREE!

That’s right, for only $49.99, we’ll send you BOTH TurboCensus AND TurboGetYourLifeTogether! That’s TWO amazing products for the price of ONE!

You shouldn’t have to feel insecure about filling out your census form. And thanks to TurboCensus, you won’t have to! ORDER NOW!

This was my poor attempt at an April fools joke, btw.

Time for some baseball!

2010-03-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

So, here we are a little over a week away from Major League Baseball Opening Day 2010. The Astros are finishing up spring training and have played remarkably well in my opinion. Now we all know that spring training games are about as useful in predicting how the actual season will go about as well as blind monkeys throwing darts at dartboards the size of a nickel, but nevertheless, the Astros have looked good. With that in mind, let’s break down this upcoming season and attempt to figure out how everything will pan out this year for the ‘stros.

Before we talk about what the Astros have going into this upcoming season, we have to take a look back at what we lost this past offseason. The most glaring discrepancy in the lineup is the loss of Miguel Tejada. Tejada was a free agent in the offseason and decided to go back to the Orioles organization with whom he had spent the better part of his major league career. Tejada was the Astros best hitter in the 2009 season. His team leading .313 batting average will be a major loss to a team that struggled hard to score runs last season. And while he only had 86 RBI’s last season, keep in mind that people actually have to be on base and generally in scoring position in order to score on a hit.

Another loss, the size of which could be debated longer than I am willing to spend on the topic, is the closer Jose Valverde. Valverde was unable to come even close to his national league leading 44 saves he achieved in 2008. Again though, this is more due to the fact that the Astros were rarely ever in a save situation at the end of ball games. His ERA of 2.33 was certainly not shabby and his arm will almost certainly be missed this year as the Astros did not go out on the open market and pick up another closer.

The refusal to go out on the free agent market and pick up veteran players at the positions of shortstop and closer mean that this will most likely be another down year (or “rebuilding year” for you optimists out there) even in the best scenario. It appears right now as if rookie Tommy Manzella will be the Astros’ opening day shortstop and rookie Brandon Lyon will be tasked with the duties of closer. Both of them seem to be having pretty decent spring trainings. Will they be able to fill the gaps left by two veteran powerhouses? That will have to remain to be seen.

One of the bigger disappointments for me was the realization that Kaz Matsui is still with the team. I suppose my dreams had me believing that his contract with the Astros was up at the end of the 2009 season, but alas, I was wrong. Matsui is one of those professional baseball oddball players that really makes you wonder how they managed to get multi-million dollar deals for being a below average player. Matsui is a perennial inning killer on offense and only slightly better than average at the second base position. Undoubtedly, the Astros will continue to march him out there as a starter and bat him in the 1 or 2 hole which means the chances of scoring first this season will remain low. If popping out to the first baseman in foul territory with runners on second and third with no out was a sport, Matsui would be the MVP.

Ok, with that out of my system, let’s move on to the starting rotation. If I had to sum up the rotation in one word, it would be this: terrifying. Last year, Roy Oswalt had what you might call an off year. Wandy Rodriguez somehow managed to end up becoming the ace of the ballclub. How many of you thought you’d ever hear yourselves thinking that!? These two are quite frankly going to both have career years in order for the Astros to be competitive. That’s because after them, there is really nobody. Brett Myers (old and terrible), Bud Norris (rookie), and Felipe Paulino (utterly terrible) round out the starting rotation. This is one of the weakest pitching staffs that the team has had for years. The Astros used to be a team known for their pitching and now they are going to have trouble having a single 15 game winner.

Carlos Lee, Lance Berkman and Hunter Pence are really going to have to carry the team offensively this season. Michal Bourne having another career year wouldn’t hurt either. I feel slightly more confident with the offense this year even with the loss of Tejada. Hopefully this new coach will place Matsui low in the lineup where he has the least possible opportunity to do damage. Time will have to tell how well Manzella does at the big league level offensively. Having a strong bat at shortstop will be instrumental in getting the Astros back above .500 this season.

Ok, prediction time. The lack of any proven starters behind Wandy and Oswalt is clearly going to be a detriment to the team. The only wild card here will be Bud Norris who showed some real promise late last season. The lack of a veteran on the left side of the infield is still some cause for concern. I would really like the Astros to go out and look for some trading opportunities for a real third base man sometime this season. Quintero and Towles are both miserable offensively. The 7,8,9 hitters of (hopefully) Matsui, Towles/Quintero, and the pitcher will generally be automatic outs every time they come around in the lineup essentially giving the Astros 9 less outs per game.

With all that in mind, all might not be lost. While I don’t think this team has any realistic chance of making the playoffs, .500 or better might not be that far off. I think it will be fair to estimate that the 2010 Astros will finish with around a 75-87 record this year on the upper end of the scale and a 60-102 last place in the division season on the lower side. In all likely hood it will be somewhere in between those 2 outcomes. They are still no where near the level of talent they had back in 2005 when they went to the World Series. Either way, I am still so glad that it is finally baseball season once again!

I’d like to end this post by talking about the Pirates for just a little bit. You see, Pirates fans have watched their team have losing season after losing season for the better part of 20 years. Us Astros fans have nothing on the patience and loyalty of those fans in Pittsburg who have watched and waited so long for their team just to be mediocre and competitive. The current word on the street is that THIS is the year for them. This is the .500 year. So while I will always root for the Astros, I will also be secretly rooting for the Pirates to finally break this beast that has been on their back for so long. Good luck Pirates fans!

Going legit

2010-03-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

I was going to write about the recent Olympic Games in this post but something much more important has come up. Besides, screw the Olympics anyway, they had their fun in the sun already. Moving along, I ran across this article earlier today. I’ll give you a minute or so to peruse over it.

Finished? Good.

What that article boils down to in a nutshell is this: I am now an official news organization. If you have read any of this blog over the past 2 years, you know about the hard hitting journalism that I bring to the table on a quazi weekly basis. And now, I am finally getting some recognition for my efforts. Since I am now officially a member of the press corps, I will be rubbing elbows with other hard hitters of the media world: Cooper Anderson, Shepherd Smith and most importantly, Erin Burnett.

Now that I am legit, I expect the book deals and drunken yacht parties to begin immediately. And the money, don’t forget about the money! I’ve already begun making my official m1kepwn blogger press pass.

Another important part of being a news organization is the staff. I will be hiring quite a few unpaid interns in the upcoming weeks that will assist me with remembering to post on this site as well as reminding their friends and family to come to this site and view ads. Ads are really all news organizations care about anyway. Oh, and did I mention the money?

The next big step for me is to make a catchy 3 letter acronym for this site. MNN, or M1KEPWN NEWS NETWORK, seems to be the most appropriate. MNN, The Least Trusted Name in News. Damn, I just realized that I am going to need some kind of dramatic theme music to play when someone visits here. This will be another job for the interns as I simply have no time for it now.

And finally, I plan on doing my IPO for MNN in the near future. I will be adding an investor relations link sometime later in the day for all you potential investors out there who want to be a part of this glorious news outlet and share in its profits. I hope to be listed on the NYSE in a matter of weeks. Al investors will be invited to the aforementioned drunken yacht parties and will be treated with copious amounts of Brothers Fried Chicken.

Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. But if he got off his ass and onto the computer he could blog like me. Look again, the computer is now diamonds. Anything is possible when you become a legit news organization. I’m on a horse.

Mardi Gras

2010-03-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

Ok so it has been another pretty long hiatus since my last post on this thing for a couple of reasons. 1: Super busy at work. 2. Vacation to New Orleans. And C: No new AdSense money goal. Lucky for you, the viewer, 2 of those things are really no longer an issue. The vacation is over and Christine and I once again have a goal of wasting the money we get from this thing on something awesome. Telling you what that awesomenss is will have to wait. With that in mind, here is a little recap of the time we had in New Orleans.

First off, the drive. We all convened on the wee hours of the Saturday morning before the trip. Knowing us, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to me to see my car loaded up with 6 handles of liquor amongst all the other travel related stuff. Surprisingly, my trunk was big enough to hold all the travel gear for 5 people. I had thought that my car might not be big enough to gang bang 5 people into for a 6 hour trip, but luckily I was wrong as everyone seemed to be pretty comfortable for the whole ride. I had also made a badass classic rock cd that lasted the entire duration of the trip.

One quick side note. One of these days, I am going pitch a television show to FOX called: “WTF IS HEATHER TALKING ABOUT?”. It will be just me and Heather walking down the street with a film crew and having some random people talk to us and attempt to decipher what she is trying to say. I’m telling you, this idea is a comedy gold mine. Heather, you are hilarious!

Anyway, back to the story. As you can imagine, the city was quite packed for Mardi Gras. It literally seemed like every street to our hotel was blocked off. Needless to say we eventually got there and, of course, headed straight to the casino. Now for the record, I think I can honestly say that I enjoy going to New Orleans any other time of the year. I’m not saying that I didn’t have a good time this trip, I did. It’s just that it was impossible to get anywhere at all while the parade was going on. In fact, if I see zero more parades in my life it will be way too many.

We, of course, did all the normal stuff there is to do in New Orleans. Casino, Bourbon Street, Mother’s, and Pat O'Briens. There was also this pretty legit sushi place in the lobby of our hotel that hooked us up with free saki because, get this, they couldn’t sell it to us because they didn’t have a liquor license. Oh New Orleans, I love how the rules don’t apply to you.

Speaking of our hotel, due to the people to bed ratio being inadequate, we brought along an inflatable mattress to compensate. Now, I have never really had a good experience with air mattri. They are generally always pieces of junk that deflate within a couple hours of laying on them. However, the one we brought absolutely takes the cake. It was so crappy, in fact, the phrase “Somalia Bed” was quickly coined to use when talking about it. The only upside to brining the thing along was the use of its blower as a hair dryer when it was discovered the one that came with the room did not work. That was my idea, btw…

Another one of the bigger oddities of the trip was the sheer amount of Brother’s Fried Chicken that was consumed. There was this grocery store 2 blocks down from our hotel called Brother’s that made one hell of a fried chicken strip bucket and invariably someone would always headed down there around 2-3 in the morning and literally pick up buckets of it. Our hotel room was literally covered with these boxes of empty fried chicken by the time the trip was over. It was simply ridiculous.

Ok, now for the absolute strangest part of the trip. On our last full day there, Fat Tuesday, we got up bright and early (12PM) and headed to the iHop on Canal Street. After a short wait, we were seated and started ordering our food. QUICK TIP: Apparently unlimited fountain drink refill only applies to sodas….not apple juice. I had to learn that the hard way after getting my check and seeing an additional $7.50 tacked on for the 3 apple juices I got. WTF?! Anyway, so we look over about midway through our meal and take a look at the person at the check out counter. Instead of seeing say your average age person collection money and making change, there was a young girl who was most definitely no older than 9 years old. She was completely running the place. Ordering servers around, yelling out guest’s names whose tables were ready. EVERYTHING! We’re pretty sure she even fired a bus boy…. Just another example of how rules and regulations like child labor laws simply do not apply to this town!

So yes, as you can see, we all had a really good time on this trip. I glossed over some of the more crazy parts as they are probably not even internet appropriate. I sang horrible karaoke one night and completely lost my voice. I got violently ill after returning back to Houston and I am only now getting over it. New Orleans is simply a great place to have a great time. I love going there and I dare even say I like it more than going to Vegas. So yes, there you go. Great story huh?

Here is one more gem before I sign off:

Housekeeping: (knock, knock, knock) “what time are you guys checking out”?

Us: “We arranged late checkout, we’re leaving at noon.”

Housekeeping: “12 noon?”

Us: “……Yes…..12, noon” (as opposed to the other time of the day that is noon…)

I am going to try to write a recap of the winter Olympics soon before I forget about all the stuff that interested me. Hopefully it will not be another month before something gets posted up here again!

OMG LOST

2010-02-02T07:39:00.000-08:00

Tonight begins the final season of the television show LOST. For 6 years now, this show has had more WTF moments than anyone deserves in a lifetime. And while I love the show, part of me is ready for it to be over. With that in mind, I only have a few burning questions that I want to be answered this final season. I could honestly care less who Kate ends up banging or in what shape Sun’s garden will end up in. But then again, what the hell do I know? Perhaps Sun planting her garden is the one clue that solidifies the entire story and it has been there the entire time for us to see. The show could honestly end in weirder ways than that.

The biggest thing I want explained is the Smoke Monster. In all honesty it is probably the reason I watch the show more than anything else other than the time travel aspect. Seriously, wtf? Monsters are already scary enough. Make them out of mysterious smoke and you have one of the most horrifying characters in television history. Are there more than one? If so, how many? And why so many? If the smoke monster is so powerful, why does it spend its time tromping around the jungle and not hanging out at Hollywood parties sippin’ on Cognac? Why did it kill Mr. Eko but spare the lives of others? These are the main questions I want answered.

Speaking of the others…wtf? Who are these mysterious people who were on the island before anyone else? Are they like the “Na’vi” in that movie Avatar? Or are they more like the “Navi” in the movie Ferngully: The Last Rainforest? And why does Richard Alpert wear eyeliner and never age? And why was he a hitman in the movie Smokin’ Aces, where by the way, he also kills Jack...

And finally, what is the Island? Why is it so hell bent on affecting so many people’s lives? How did a giant wooden ship laden with the bones of slaves end up in the middle of it? Why is there not a giant tree where the Others live like in Avatar and Ferngully? Did Locke accidentally the whole island when the swan clock hit zero? Do the numbers have anything to do with the story line at all save for Hurley thinking he is insane? Will the entire story of Lost have an ending at all? If so, how many? If not, well, I guess I can always go back and finish Alias to see if it ever had an ending…

So there, 23 questions I want to have answered in the next 4 months. I think that is pretty fair since there are well over eleventy billion unanswered questions. If I am doing my math correctly, and I like to think that I am, I am only asking for a mere negative infinity percent of outstanding questions to be resolved. You see, eleventy billion isn’t even a real number. That’s how many mysteries there are on this show. And God help the producers if the whole thing ends up being in a snow globe and validating all the haters over the years.

At any rate, only 10 more hours to wait.

End of an era

2010-02-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

We had a really good run in space over that last 50 years. In that span we put the first American in space, landed on the moon 6 times (allegedly) and built a space station the size of a football field. All of this was accomplished by nearly 150 manned missions which cost the lives of 17 brave astronauts who dared to believe that what they were doing was important enough for them to risk their lives in the first place. September 16th of this year will mark the last manned space flight launch in the United States.

Today, the president unveiled his budget which effectively cut the Space Shuttle’s replacement, aka The Constellation Program, as well as offering up no other plan for the future. Their goal is to have private companies pick up the slack and in the meantime have the Russians launch all astronauts to and from the International Space Station. The private contractors, by the way, are at about the same technological place that NASA was back in the early 1960’s. We are effectively starting over except this time billions and billions of government dollars will not be behind any advancement. Private capital will have to fill the void.

The trouble is, manned space flight is not currently at a point where is will be profitable to launch humans into space. Let alone in the private sector. The result of which means that in reality, we will most likely not have a manned space flight launch into Low Earth Orbit for a good amount of time. I am talking about decades here folks. Where once it seemed like a human landing on Mars was only 10 years away now seems like it will be more than a century, at least for the United States, that is. Russia and China have both stated Mars to be a human destination for them and are pursuing it rigorously. Unfortunately, the reality of this kick in the ass will probably be the only thing that revitalizes America’s desire to go back into space.

The trouble is that many people simply got bored with NASA over the past 20 years. Space travel became routine and it seemed that only disaster was able to capture the attention of the US citizens. Most people out there will probably not even realize that we will no longer have a manned space program. Even fewer will care. NASA has done a piss poor job of letting the public know about all the good work it has done over the years. We are all going to live longer and healthier lives as a result of all the advancement that has come out of the space program. It truly saddens me that people have become so apathetic about one of the things America does best.

It will be strange living in a world where we tell our children: “Hey, look up there, that is outer space. We used to go there and it was awesome. Now we don’t.” In all honesty, I REALLY hope that the Chinese and Russians stay on track and have successful manned space programs. It will just be a shame that those other countries will be on the leading edge of understanding and exploring the universe instead of us. I hope I will be able to make time to head out to Cape Canaveral, Florida to witness one of the final 5 launches of the greatest space program in the history of mankind. And hopefully I will look back on this blog post in 10 years and laugh at just what the hell I was thinking.

*Quick Note* I don't really like talking about politics since it is generally redundant talking about it with people who have philosophical differences with the way you think. But the simple fact is that the numbers don't lie. This year, we bailed out banks to the tune of almost 1 trillion dollars. The entire budget alone for this year is some 3 trillion dollars. The entire budget for all of NASA? 18 billion dollars. That's less than .6% of the entire United States budget. So if this decision isn't about the money, the only other thing it could be is simply lacking the desire to do it anymore. I can only imagine what kind of world we would live in today if Spain had decided not to fund Columbus' trip back in 1492. Ok ya, that turned out to be a little bit longer than a quick note.

2009: A Year in Review

2010-01-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been quite a while since I have updated this thing. December was a busy month at work and having my entire extended family over during the holidays didn’t make things any easier. So anyway, here is 2009: A Year in Review.

I made several trips out to New Orleans last year, 3 in fact, which means I ended up going there a total of 5 times in less than a one year period. I don’t know what it is about that city but I have never managed to have anything less than an amazing time there, even when having to evacuate due to hurricanes. Of course it also doesn’t hurt that the casino there has been more than generous to me. The plan right now is to head out to New Orleans once again when Mardi Gras rolls around in the middle of February. It is going to be epic.

One of the more negative aspects of 2009 was my endless love/hate relationship with my Xbox 360. My original Xbox had the RRoD and due to the fact that it was out of warranty, I decided to try to fix it myself. This worked, more or less, for the better part of 3 months before I decided to just bite the bullet and buy a new one. Of course, within 2 weeks of getting the new one, Microsoft dropped the ban hammer of all modified consoles and I was once again without one. This story does not end sadly, as it convinced me to build a HTPC ( Home Theater PC ) for watching stuff online, which was really the only thing I was using the Xbox for anyway.

One of the bigger experiments this year was me cutting the cable, and going exclusively to online video watching. This is still more or less a work in progress. It has been about 6 months now and I haven’t once yet felt the need to have cable tv again. My Boxee setup has worked great so far and I can’t ever imagine paying money to watch commercials ever again.

2009 also saw the end of the Exploder. My beloved car was sent to the scrap heap when I got some of that Obama Money, aka Cash for Clunkers. Many of you who had the pleasure of riding in my former car know that clunker doesn’t even begin to describe what my 1998 Explorer Sport was. I’m still loving my new Honda Accord. Going 500 miles with out having to fill up is quite simply ridiculous. Oh, and the AC actually works in this new car!

In September I made it out to Las Vegas once again. If you haven’t read my write up of that vacation, I encourage you to do so. It is filled with mystery, intrigue, people getting kicked out of casinos and cups made of ice. And that was all just in one night! Vegas is one of those places where staying too long makes you wish you had never even come in the first place. Luckily this time around we only stayed for 3 nights instead of the 4 we stayed the year before. My brother is turning 21 this year so it is more than likely that another trip will be made out to Vegas in June.

2009 will probably be remembered most for the amount of smoking I did. I have become somewhat of a master chef when it comes to slow cooking meat out on the smoker. I did all things from brisket, ribs, chicken and my favorite, pulled pork shoulder. The goal for this year is to participate in some sort of cook off to see how well my stuff compares to others. Spoiler alert, it kicks all their asses.

I finally made it out to the Texas Renaissance Fair last year. It was honestly one of the most bizarre places I have ever been. I still don’t understand the whole tail thing, but to each their own I suppose. The day we went to TRF was unique in that it was the first time I ever drank wine out of a can. You see, it is much more socially acceptable to drink in public when the public thinks you are just drinking soda. And don’t even get me started on how much more active it makes you feel and the amount of gesturing you will be able to do now that you are sans wine glass. Thanks “Always Suuny” for the idea!

How could I forget about Champagne Campaign 2K9? It turns out, very easily when large amounts of champagne is involved. Bar none, the party, which we threw over Halloween, was the most awesome event ever. The riot punch we concocted was nothing less than deliciously lethal. It also had dry ice in it which made it even more bad ass. No fewer than half of the people at the party ended up hurling in the front yard. That’s how you know they had a good time! Oh, and people doing “the thriller dance” was probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.

So a lot happened in 2009. We now move into ‘010 with another set of resolutions never to be fulfilled. Actually, one goal that will most likely be fulfilled this year is my quest to get a free Miller High Life jacket as part of the rewards program they are currently running. I am more than 500 beers in and only need a paltry 300 more to achieve this stupid goal of mine. So, by all means, come hang out this year and bong a few High Life’s with us and then chase it with a shot of Rumpplemintz. You definitely won’t regret it (right away).

*Programming note, it appears that I am fast approaching my 100th post on this blog. I will have to think long and hard about how to facilitate such a momentous event. Perhaps a live studio audience or something? At any rate, I’ll let you know once I have it figured out.

SNOW DAY!

2009-12-04T10:11:00.001-08:00

Stop the presses, it is snowing in Houston! I'm so glad Global Warming™ decided to take today off.

None of it appears to be sticking to anything right now. But hopefully as the temperature drops we will see more of that. It is supposed to get into the mid-20's tonight which is pretty unheard of here in Houston. And believe me, if you thought traffic was bad when it rained, imagine those same people who are talking on the phone, doing their nails and eating nachos at the same time while driving...but also gawking at the snow. It is the perfect storm, so to speak, of traffic.

If I am able to take any good pictures I will put them up here. My cell phone camera is unable to capture the flakes with any kind of decent resolution. Hopefully enough of it sticks on the ground to have a good ol' fashioned drunken snowball fight!

Try to be safe out there, folks!

A Thanksgiving Poem

2009-11-25T07:24:00.000-08:00

Twas the night before Thanksgiving
And just like the mail
There were drivers in the fast lane
Going slow as a snail.

With little regard
for their fellow man.
These people were oblivious
As if they were sitting on the can.

Talking on the phone
They forget how to drive
“Why go the speed limit
When I can go 35?”

As their exit approaches
They cross all four lanes
Not even a signal
Or a thought in their brains

I swerve to avoid them
Driving on only 2 tires
I shout at the top of my lungs
“May you die in a very large fire”.

Have a Fun and Safe Thanksgiving Everyone!

The Ottoman Empire

2009-11-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I bought a ceiling fan to put in my living room. It was reasonably priced and I picked up a wireless switch for it as well. My living room is poorly ventilated for some reason and I figure that a ceiling fan will solve that. Having never put up a fan before, I was nervous about electrocuting myself and/or burning the entire building down. I was, in fact, so nervous that I have yet to put the darn thing up.

There is a plus side, however, to leaving the fan in the box. You see, I am currently employing the box as an ottoman. It just so happens to be the ideal height to be ridiculously comfortable. So yes, this whole post was written to inform you that I am currently using a ceiling fan box, with the fan inside, as furniture. Perhaps I should get it upholstered?

Jellyfish apocalypse

2009-11-03T09:23:00.001-08:00

I’ve talked about the great zombie apocalypse quite a few times on this blog. For years I had figured that this would be the most logical way for the human race to go out. Recently, however, I have been hearing more and more reports about giant creatures of the sea near Japan that really having me rethinking my theory. I am talking, of course, about giant jelly fish. More specifically, the Nomura Jellyfish. One of these things recently sunk a 10 ton Japanese fishing trawler. If this news doesn’t have you shaking in your nuclear fallout shelter, then you might want to reassess your situation.

With these new terrifying reports in mind, I hope to be able to become as prepared for the jellyfish apocalypse as I made you for the inevitable zombie apocalypse that will be spawned by the LHC getting turned on.

Lucky for you if you have already read my zombie survival guide as it contains many of the same ideas as my jellyfish survival guide. To be perfectly honest, when thinking about terror from the sea, I had always pictured giant squid or some other kind of outer space potato man bringing mankind to its knees. Dolphins have also historically been near the top of the terror scale due to their devious clicking and shit eating grin. Perhaps we only overlooked jellyfish due to their habitual tendency to wash up on shore to die while posing moderate danger to unsuspecting humans who might accidentally walk on top of them with bare feet.

Your best bet in surviving a jellyfish apocalypse is to just stay the hell out of the ocean. My sources inform me that Jellyfish are a salt water species so swimming in lakes should be ok for now. Failing that, your best bet would be to get one bad ass spear or trident. Prepare for quite a battle, however, as these things are about 5 to 6 times the size of your average pathetic human. Once they grab a hold of you with their tentacles there is no letting go because they are made of jelly and jelly is strong.

Should jellyfish develop opposable thumbs and the ability to walk on dry land, humanity is, for lack of a better phrase, completely boned. (Get it? Because jellyfish have no bones! It’s a pun!) They will soon assimilate us into their society and make us their condiments to use on their crackers made of jelly. Our only hope at this point would be for a giant volcano made out of salt to erupt and rain down upon the unsuspecting jellyfish, rendering them completely dried out and possibly delicious.

Save for the volcano, jellyfish will inherit the earth. Our last line of defense would be for us to turn on the LHC and have the zombies declare and all out war on the jellyfish. In all honesty I haven’t run enough test simulations to see how this option would fare for humanity. All I know is that at least I have a sword which should give me a fighting chance against these things. Together with my crowbar, I have a pretty decent plan for surviving whatever zombie/jellyfish combination of apocali that mother nature throws at me.

Texas Renaissance Festival

2009-10-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend I made a trip out to the Texas Renaissance Festival, or TRF for you cool people. This was my first ever trip to the TRF and I must admit that it was not entirely what I expected it to be. To be fair, however, my preconceptions of the event were founded entirely on that episode of King of the Hill which had Will Ferrell do a voice over as the Black Knight. To be perfectly blunt, I sort of expected it to be more “Medieval’y” and a little less “People wearing raccoon tails’y”.

I am not quite sure I understand the idea of wearing a tail on your otherwise normal attire. But, for some reason, this seemed to be one of the things that many of the people were doing. There were even a multitude of shops dedicated to tails. Needless to say, I did not participate in this. I’m not judging, I just don’t get it.

The food was pretty fantastic. Per the King of the Hill episode I mentioned earlier, I was anxious to purchase a turkey leg. In fact, due to the drive being about 2 hours, the food and beer dispensary was the first shop that we hit up. The turkey leg, sausage on a stick, cheesecake on a stick and funnel cake were absolutely delish. I am a big fan of food on a stick. It just makes life so much easier. It is one of the universe’s true tragedies that science has not come up with a way to put funnel cake on a stick. Let’s just say that if the cake had been on a stick, I would not have ended up with powdered sugar all over my right arm...

Anyway, one of the main reasons I wanted to go to the TRF was to hopefully acquire a sword with which to defend myself against zombies when the ammo runs out Mila Jovich style. I had wanted a sword ever since I was in England and saw how bad ass they were. I quickly realized that many of the more bad ass swords were entirely out of my price range. One sword in particular was so expensive because it was supposedly forged in the fires of Mount Doom by evil Lord Sauron himself. I decided that should the sword ended up being called on by its master that I would most likely be the one called upon to make the arduous journey to Mordor and return the thing from whence it came. And since the fall tv season is in full swing, I just can’t afford to make that kind of commitment right now.

So instead of dropping 2 grand for a really cool, unique, possibly cursed blade at Ye Olde Sworde Shoppe, I went with the more economical cheap knock off which has all the bad assness of the real thing, but doesn’t require me to make an epic journey with a wizard.

Moving along, I was intrigued by the jousting event. Having never seen a “real” one before, I was a bit disappointed by how fake it all seemed. Once again, my only knowledge of jousting comes from television and movies. I thought that the general purpose of the joust was to remove one’s opponent from his steed and then deliver the final blow to him with your sword. Yes, I realize that these people are actors and are not actually trying to kill each other but the cheesiness of the whole thing left a lot to be desired in my most humble opinion.

We walked around through all the shops and looked at a lot of over priced hats and then headed out. We hit up a chicken express on the way home and then perilously sat in Heather’s car as she freaked out to Tech getting blown out by A&M. It was terrifying to say the least. All in all it was a bizarre day. No where else can a full grown adult throw caution to the wind a let their ass hang out proudly in public. Oh, and there were storm troopers for some reason...

Halloween Champagne Campaign 2k9

2009-10-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

The Champagne Campaign has finally arrived. After nearly a year, the goal of raising $200 through Google Adsense has been realized. With these proceeds, Christine and I will be purchasing 2 cases of top shelf Korbel Champagne for one bad-ass Halloween party.

You’re probably saying to yourself right now: “Damn, that DOES sound pretty bad ass.” And you would be right to do so. You might also be wondering if 2 cases of champagne is really needed. If that is the case, you can just go ahead right now and consider yourself uninvited, just like that dumb Alanis Morissette song.

If you have not received an e-vite by the end of the week and feel that this is in error, please feel free to let me know about your intention to attend and I will go through a rigorous process to determine your eligibility. Eligibility inquiries will be processed in the order they are received. Ability to drink trash can punch without throwing up all over everyone is a huge and pretty much the only requirement. In all seriousness, if I know you and you feel like this is the sort of shin dig you might want to be a part of, drop me a line (who says that anymore?) and I will let you know the details.

There will also be a costume contest with the winner walking away with a bottle of Champagne just for them. The pictures from this thing are bound to be the kind that prevent you from getting a job, so keep that in mind as well.

This event is a long time coming. Thanks again to all of you out there who read through my drivel week after week. I may have shamelessly phoned in a few posts over the past year, but your determination to keep reading nevertheless was truly inspiring to me. So kudos to you, the reader, for making this whole thing possible. Come out and enjoy the fruits of your labor this Halloween!

And now for the legal mumbo jumbo: No purchase necessary, unless you intend to attend. Friends and Family of the hosts are eligible to attend, and probably will. Must be 21 years of age and a legal US resident. Odds of winning are mathematically insignificant.

SEE YOU GUYS THERE!

Mike for manager

2009-10-13T08:54:00.003-07:00

Well it is mid-October and the Major League Baseball playoffs are already in full swing. Congrats to the Yankees, Angels, Phillies and Dodgers for making it to the League Championship Series. Of course, as predicted, the Astros had a decidedly terrible season this year. Falling just short of the 100 games I predicted them to lose, the Astros finished off the season strong by getting swept by the Mets in the final 3 games of the season giving them a 74-88 record on the year.

Once the Astros were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, they proceeded to fire the manager Cecil Cooper because, as we all know, the manager is responsible for players hitting .200 and the bullpen giving up 5 run leads. Not the Astros ever had a 5 run lead, but that is beyond the point. In my most humble opinion, however, Cecil Cooper was not a very good manager. In no conceivable way should Kazuo Matsui have started as many games as he did. At the very least he should not have stayed in the 2 spot in the lineup as he was an almost guaranteed out every time.

Cooper also failed to get on to players like Carlos Lee when he would lazily waltz down the line when he "knew" he would be thrown out. Coopers starting pitching rotation also made me wonder what he could have possibly been thinking. Granted, the Astros were not very deep at the starting pitching position this year but come on, running Chris Sampson out there for 2 and 1/3 innings and basically starting the game in a 6 run hole is no way to manage a ball club. I would have honestly liked to have seen the Astros bring up more of their minor leaguers earlier in the season when it became apparent that they were in no way going to contend for anything.

So anyway, like I said, the Astros fired Cecil Cooper. Will it have any noticeable effect on the way the team plays? My hunch is that without the right replacement, the answer very well may be no. The team recently published their short list of managerial candidates. All of the usual suspects are there i.e.: other recently fired managers, players who have recently retired, Pete Rose, etc... One peculiarity was the fact that Phil Gardner was on the list. For those forgetful people out there, Phil Gardner was the guy who led the Astros to their first ever playoff series win in 2004 and subsequently led them to their first World Series appearance in 2005. I would like to throw in there at this point that I was actually in attendance for that first World Series game here in Houston. But I digress; the point is that none of these people should be given the role of manager. What then, Mike? Who will lead our beloved Astros to victory?

The answer is simple: me. Yes, me. I know I am blowing your mind right now but the fact is that I, quite frankly, would make a better manager than all of those people. Yes, even if they were combined to form some sort of autonomous super mutant manager. First, I would start with the chainsaw. I would take a similar approach that Ari Gold took when he bought his rivals company. I would literally walk up and down Minute Maid Park with a paintball gun and shoot anyone who would not be associated with the team anymore. This includes the entire bullpen and most of the starting lineup.

When I was done, the only people left on the team would be Michael Bourne, Lance Berkman, and Hunter Pence. I thought about keeping Oswalt but after 2 very sub par years, I think he may be past his prime. But that is it! I would then build an entire team around them from scratch. I figure that by trading the other big name players on our roster that we would be able to get a ass ton of minor leaguers full of promise. Sure, this next year would be what they call a "rebuilding year". Thats not to say that they would be incapable of making the playoffs. I mean, just look at the Rockies this year and the Marlins the past couple year. They've shown some real promise from guys who have only been in the league for a couple months.

There would also be penalties for not hustling. Don't want to run a ground ball out on your way to first? Bam, one game suspension. Let a ball drop in front of you because you dont feel like diving? You guessed it, one game suspension. All I am saying is that I would require my players to play the game like they actually give a damn what the outcome is.

Anyway, if anyone at the Astros' front desk is reading this, please consider me for the managerial position. Im sure you will find that my salary demands are quite reasonable. I would also like one of those large parking spaces with my name on it, none of that "compact cars only" crap. I won't be able to guarantee a return to the playoffs immediately, but I sure as hell will make sure the games are more entertaining to watch than consistent 3-0 losses. Thanks.

My Vegas travel guide

2009-09-22T09:37:00.001-07:00

One week ago today, I returned from Las Vegas. Much like my trip last year, this trip was filled with its memorable moments. We spent a great deal more time gambling and less time sight seeing this go around compared to last year. With that in mind, I am not going to give a full recap of the trip. Instead, I will share with you a few of the lessons I learned while in Vegas. Hopefully these will come in handy to you should you ever visit sin city.

I just realized that this post is going to resemble a do's and don't list a la the Travel Channel. Just bear with me. Lol, bears.

DO visit the Minus 5 ice bar in Mandalay Bay. This place was really one of the highlights of the trip. For 35 bucks, they loan you a parka and stick you in this freezer where everything is made out of ice. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. The tables, chairs, shelves and bar were all made out of ice. Oh, also the cups. The 35 bucks gets you 2 drinks served up to you in tumbler glasses made of ice. When I asked what they do with the cups afterwards, the lady told me with a straight face that they put them in a giant frozen dishwasher. I'm pretty sure she was just joking though...

DON'T get a 100 ounce Long Island Iced Tea at Minus 5. This was probably the worst decision I made on the trip. Failure to heed this warning may result in you being unable to remember leaving Minus 5. It may then also result in you getting kicked out of the Luxor Casino for throwing up all over the casino floor while at the Pai Gow table. I, of course, did not experience that first hand, I just heard it from some random person.

DO throw the remainder of your money on the field at the craps table when you are dwindling on funds. The odds are good that a 2 or 12 will hit and triple your money back up to even. I actually witnessed this twice this trip and it is a guaranteed way to make your money back. Seriously, craps is a hell of a game. Unbelievably fun to play when there is a hot shooter and still only mildly depressing when you run into a cold one.

DON'T play 300 dollars on a single hand of blackjack. This is another one of those "I heard it from some random person" lessons. Just trust me on this one.

DO play the fortune bonus at the Pai Gow table. If you are like me and enjoy Pai Gow poker, quite frankly the only way to win money is to play the fortune bonus. Sure, you might get lucky and win a couple hands to go up a little, but the only sure fire way to win big is to hit the 7 card straight flush with no joker. It pays 30,000 to 1 so on a 5 dollar bet you are talking about $150k. While I was not lucky enough to hit that, I was able to hit 4 of a kind which paid a nice 25 to 1 which netted me a cool $125. Had I been playing the fortune last time in New Orleans, I would have won $750 on my royal flush. I'm never letting an opportunity like that go by again.
DO hit up the champagne brunch at Mandalay Bay. Last year we hit up Planet Hollywoods champagne brunch and were pretty blown away by it. I do have to say, however, that the one at Mandalay Bay edges it out barely in terms of quality and variety of food. You really cant go wrong with unlimited pre-cracked snow crab legs while sipping on mimosas can you?

DON'T go with your gut when it comes to sports betting. I'm convinced that the only way to win at sports betting is to take the same approach that George Costanza took during that episode of Seinfeld: Always do the opposite of what you think is right. Going against your intuition will mean you will take Oakland at +7 over the Chargers and the Bills at +10.5 over the Patriots. I will try this approach next time and let you know how it works out.

Speaking of next time, it appears that I will be headed back to Vegas on or around the 6th of June next year. In the meantime I am pretty burnt out on taking vacations. Traveling all over the place over 5 times this year has taken its toll. And while I wont rule out a quickie trip down to Lake Charles or something, I can safely say that I wont be making any more big trips for a while.

All in all it was a great vacation. Contrary to all of our beliefs, we actually played beer pong in the hotel room and had bacon and eggs in the morning. I would recommend staying at the Jockey Club. We got a great deal and the place even had a little mini-mart in the lobby that was reasonable priced. There was also no silverware was stolen from any restaurants this trip nor were there any bloody noses. I'm already looking forward to the next trip out there....

Finally football

2009-09-17T09:04:00.001-07:00

Ok, wow, super late on posting anything lately mainly due to my trip to Vegas this past weekend. While I do plan on giving that a good write up perhaps later next week, it will not be the focal point of this post. Were here today to talk mainly about football, more specifically how the Texans season is already over, how the Bills and Raiders decided to not be the Bills and Raiders on opening night and why Adrian Peterson is not human.

First off, the Texans. For some reason or another, the Texans managed to secure the spot of pre-season "sleeper" status. How this managed to happen I have no idea. Watching both the FOX and CBS pregame shows unanimously pick the Texans to not only win the game but also be playoff contenders pretty much sealed the deal for their season. Matt Schuab took a play out of David Carrs book and proceeded to throw for a measly 18 for 33 with 160 yards. Steve Slaton built on his solid rookie year by carrying the ball 9 times for an incredible 17 yards.

I really had high hopes for the Texans this year. I really did. I guess I just got sucked up in the hype that they would be a playoff contender this year. However, after this past Sunday's performance, finishing at .500 would be nothing short of a miracle. I will still watch them and hope that they do well, but it wouldnt surprise me if they finished 5-11, 6-10 at best. Perhaps I already knew deep down this would happen since I decided that betting the Texans at -7 was probably going to be a bad idea.

On the complete opposite side of the spectrum we have the Buffalo Bills and the Oakland Raiders. Perennial losers, these teams managed to cost me 100 bucks with their sudden lack of horrible play. At +10.5 and +7 respectively, these games were two of my locks that I had picked before even heading out to Vegas. The bills were playing the freaking Patriots! I figured Tom Brady would come back from being out last year and throw for 9 TDs and 4 thousand yards. G'luck. Brady looked very rusty and the Bills were going down the field every possession with ease. Oakland pretty much did the same against the Chargers. Both teams played well above their expectations and still lost, just not by the correct amount of points I needed for a win.

All was not lost however as the Cowboys and the Vikings both covered. Not too much to say about the Cowboys, they played well against an ok Tampa Bay team and got the win easily. The Vikings are another story altogether. Adrian Peterson is going to single handedly win the Super Bowl for them. Book it, done. He was annihilating the Browns defense like he had the Madden settings on super rookie mode. They would have scored another 8 or 9 times if Favre hadnt attempted to throw the ball so damn much. The Vikings are legit and Adrian Peterson will be your 2010 MVP.

I, quite frankly, watched a lot of football this weekend and is a lot more that I am not going to cover here like the Patriots and Broncos final drives. Those have been written about to death over on ESPN and the like. I will go ahead and give a shout out to the Houston Cougars. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was telling me that I needed to take more medication if I thought that the Cougs would beat Oklahoma State, let alone cover the 16 point spread. Not only did they win, they won handily by 10 points. Great way to start the season and now they are ranked 21 in the nation. Beating Texas Tech next week would really start to raise some eye brows nationally if they haven't already been raised.

And with the start of the NFL season, I officially bid farewell to the Astros who I will no longer be following. Here's to the next 3 months of nearly non interrupted football awesomeness. From the looks of it, it's going to be a great season.

The Hunt for Red Accord

2009-09-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

When we were children, we were promised many things. Flying cars. Teleporters. Jetpacks. Man walking on the moon. We were told that these things we all but a certainty. Of course, we now realize that all of the aforementioned things were merely the pipe dreams of a baby boomer generation that had failed to accomplish very much at that point. Well I thought it was time for me to come up with a fantastical idea of my own that is truly awesome yet has no chance of ever being made.

Nowadays we have all this cool voice activated stuff in our cars. Voice activated dialing, music volume control and various other commands. I want to take it a step further and make all aspects of driving voice activated. Accelerating, braking, steering, wipers, blinkers and gear shifters would all be voice activated. This would enable people to do what they really want to do while driving, namely anything other than concentrating on driving.

I then want to take it a step further and add themes. In particular, I want to issue submarine themed commands to control my vehicle. Unfortunately, if you are not familiar with submarine movies, the following will almost certainly fly over your head.

For starters, I might want to start my car by saying something similar to: "make ready the vehicle, secure all hatches. Stow all luggage and soft drinks."

To begin driving to my destination I might utter: "Set your course to Whataburger, make your speed 35 knots, drive drive drive".

In the event I was cut off by an unruly driver I might wish to give the command of: "Sound the alarm, one honk only please."

If I were to find myself driving through a rainstorm, the following command would be given: "Set wipers to medium, engage the rear defrosts."

Should cars of the future be able to fire nuclear warheads I might issue the following order: "Set condition 1SQ for strategic missile launch. Spin up missiles 1-5 and 20-24. The use of nuclear weapons have been authorized. This is not a drill"

Should the car ever disobey or question a command, I would simply dismiss the AI by saying "you're relieved" and then proceed to take manual control over the car.

All orders would be read back in full by the in car AI, voiced by Sam Neil of course, and then followed by "aye aye sir." The headlights will also be capable of flashing morse code in the event of me ever wanting to defect. And, of course, should my car be fatally totaled in an accident, its last words to me would be something along the lines of: "I would like to have seen Montana." Of course, if I had in fact driven the car through Montana at some point, another Sam Neil quote would have to suffice here...

I do suppose other themes could be made for those out there who don't necessarily want to issue naval commands. However since they would in no way be as awesome, I have decided not to list them here. Hopefully my idea of the future will become more of a reality than the ones I was told as a kid.

Not much going on

2009-09-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

Not too much to report on lately. I took my CHL class this Saturday. It was a bit of a drag going from 7:30am to 6:30pm but learned some valuable information nonetheless. In celebration of finally getting off my ass and taking the course, I treated myself to a brand new Glock 27 that I picked up at the Pasadena Gun Show Sunday afternoon. In case you dont already know, the Glock 27 is a .40 caliber subcompact semi automatic pistol which should be a perfect equilibrium between power and size in terms of concealment for personal protection.

In other news, the Accord is holding up well. After putting nearly 750 miles on it on the recent trip to New Orleans, I averaged about 29.5 mpg with 4 people. This is considerably more mileage than I could have ever dreamed of in the Exploder which would barely hit 20 mpg on a downhill slope. All in all Im still really happy with the purchase. Still feeling the hit to the bank account a little bit though...

My love, hate, love, really hate, love relationship with the xbox 360 continues. I have it in a condition right now where it will run most of the time with little to no screen tearing. By condition, I mean it is currently sitting on my coffee table without its case with a large room fan blowing on it constantly. Occasional screen tearing can be remedied by pressing down on the center of the motherboard which only strengthens my belief that warping of the board is one of the main reasons so many of the xbox 360s break in the first place. With the recent price drop, I am seriously considering just biting the proverbial bullet and picking up a new one. We will just have to see how much more I can take with the current model.

Next Saturday I will be making my return to Las Vegas. After last years awesomeness, I have no reason to doubt this trip will be any less satisfactory. This go around we decided to rent a condo on the strip in lieu of staying at one of the casino resorts. This was done for several reasons, the main one being we have more people this go around and will be able to fit everyone in one condo instead of having to worry about multiple hotel rooms. Champagne brunch is definitely on the agenda as well as sipping mimosas at the sports book on Sunday. The Sunday we are there is opening day for the NFL so expect me to lose several hundred dollars betting on guaranteed locks. (Still cannot believe I lost that Giants bet last year...)

So thats pretty much it. Long weekend coming up means smoking a pork shoulder this Sunday. Nothing, and I mean nothing, taste better than a pulled pork sandwich smothered in cole slaw on a kaiser roll bun. Add in some potato salad and some beans, garlic bread and baby you got yourself a BBQ going. Champagne Campaign is on the horizon as well as soon as Christine gets her hundred bucks. If I was a betting man, and I think it's clear that I am, I would say that the easy money would be on the event taking place some time in mid October. If consuming 40 bottles of cheap champagne is wrong, I dont want to be right.

More New Orleans fun

2009-08-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

I had another awesome weekend in New Orleans. Now having been there 5 times in the past year or so, I have honestly never found myself to be bored of it. The place is like a mini Vegas that just so happens to be within reasonable driving distance.

Anyway, while I was there I witnessed quite a few things at the casino. For starters, I had a pretty ridiculous hot streak at craps while playing the Dont Pass line. Shooters were making their point and then sevening out almost immediately. Even my two dollar high-low bet was hitting pretty often netting me 29 dollars each time. The hard ways were more or less not hitting and I stopped playing them a couple hours in. I netted about $350 that first night.

Not content to let the good times stop, I started right back where I left off the following day. This time around, however, I encountered one of the coldest (for a dont pass player) tables I have ever been at. Shooters were hitting 7's and 11's on the come out role very consistently, never once crapping out on that second day. Even usually solid points like 4 and 10 were being hit over and over. I lost $200 and decided to pretty much call an end to gambling for the trip while still being up.

Several drinks later, I was persuaded to play some Pai-Gow since there were actually a few spots open at the table. While at the table, I proceeded to get a royal flush on one of my hands. Had I been betting the 5 dollar fortune bonus (sucker bet), I would have netted $750. A true tragedy indeed. I ended up only winning about 50 bucks at the table before I decided to call it quits. I actually ended up at the craps table 1 more time so see if my luck had changed. Sure enough, it hadnt and I ended up losing another hundred bucks to finish the trip up only about $120. Still good, but could and should have been better if I had just called it quits earlier. When in Rome, I guess.

Anyway, the coolest part of the trip was watching Jonathan turn 40 dollars into 700 dollars at the blackjack table in just a mere 5 or 6 hands. It was absolutely incredible. He walked up to the table just to "waste the 40 bucks" he had so we could leave and go get food. His first bet of 25 dollars won so he let it ride. Blackjack, 75 dollar win. Now betting 100 dollars a hand, he wins again and then once more. He now has about 300 bucks locked up and he is ready to call it quits. He throws out his remaining money less the 300 he is walking away with and gets dealt aces. Now, per basic blackjack strategy, he decided to split the aces. The dealer counts out the money he has bet and informs him it is $126.50. After putting out another $126.50 for the split, he proceeds to blackjack one of the aces and get a 19 on the other one. The dealer turned up 17 and he won both hands. After all the dust had settled, he walked away with some 700 dollars from the table all in about 5 minutes of playing time.

So ya, the casino was awesome as usual. During the course of the weekend I also met Doyle Brunson at a restaurant and got him to sign a 5 dollar bill for me. So awesome. I also had one of the nastiest vomits I have ever had in my entire life. The orange Mango Mango slushy with the shine in it is what did me in. My accord got 30 mpg during the trip which I was pretty happy with. All in all, a fantastic trip. Can't wait to go back!

Also, I finally made some of that internet money. AdSense deposited 100 bucks into my account this morning. Thanks to all of you who are making the Champagne Campaign a reality!

School traffic

2009-08-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

Kids start going back to school next week. While this time of year generally sparks the turnover from young kids to old troll people serving you at fine fast food establishments, it also bring about change in another less obvious way. Traffic. Yes, for some unknown reason, kids going back to school creates traffic during the morning and drive home commute in a way that cannot currently by explained by science or phases of the moon.

Without a doubt you have surely encountered this phenomenon if you travel on any freeway in the Houston area. I only specifically say Houston because it is quite possible that this is merely a localized event characterized by the sort of people who live in these parts. If that is the case, perhaps an episode of "In Search Of with Leonard Nimoy" on the History Channel is in order. If he is able to persuade a massive audience about the possible existence of the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, I have no doubt he will turn up compelling evidence that will pose new questions about this traffic phenomena.

My own personal theory, however, will now be explained with very little to no scientific research on the topic. In a way, you could call this whole post purely speculative and highly misinformed.

My idea is that the whole thing is a conspiracy conjured up by the oil companies to keep gas prices high during the latter part of the so called "summer driving season". I realize that I am getting into some serious stuff right here and also the fact that they could flood the chamber with gas at any point. Nevertheless, those responsible must know that their plans are now out in the open. You see, what do gas companies love more than anything else in the world? Thats right, money. And how do they get that money? By shaking down school children in the parking lot for their lunch money, thats how.

Once the kids have no more money, they call home and request further funding for their daily sustenance. Parents currently on the freeway are forced to turn around and return to the school to give their kids more money. So you see, the parents who dropped their kids off early in the morning are returning to the school at the same time as the slacker parents who drop their kids of right before the bell rings leaving all parties involved getting back onto the freeway at the exact same time as one another.

I realize that I am probably blowing your minds right here. Leonard Nimoy would surely be proud of what I have uncovered. I know what you are all asking, "Mike, do you have proof?" The simple answer to that is no. The long, detailed answer would also probably lead you to conclude the same. Regardless, the message is now out here on the internets. No longer will you have to wonder why there is miserable traffic on the freeway from September to June. Of course, I suppose you could also just chalk it up to people taking a lot of vacation during the summer months. But sadly, that is not the kind of breaking news that the people are looking for.

Im off to Pei Wei for lunch.

My new car

2009-08-11T08:58:00.001-07:00

Well I did it. Yesterday I purchased a 2009 Honda Accord. While the Volvo VT 880 would have provided an excellent opportunity to cruise the streets of Houston, I decided that the economics of it simply were not feasible.

Thanks to the "Cash for Clunkers" government program, I was able to get a pretty slick deal on the Accord. After looking at both the Toyota Camry and Nissan Altima, the Accord was the hands down winner possessing the pros of both cars with none of the cons. The Accord is very roomy and has quite a lot of giddy-up. In fact, the only real thing I dont like about the car in the driver seat. After more than 10 years of sitting on a 4 inch think piece of foam, it is going to take a while to get used to these new less comfortable seats. They just dont make em' like they used to amirite?

The best part of the transaction yesterday was the turning over of my clunker to the dealership and having to explain all the caveats and quirks. Somewhat ironically, the clicker that unlocks the doors to my Explorer died just yesterday leaving the car completely inaccessible save for the only working key latch on the car which happens to be the trunk. I also had to explain how to hold down the alarm override switch while turning the ignition in order to start the car. Those features will not be missed.

I was able to get the salesman into the "come on, guy, you're breaking my balls here" mode so I walked away feeling as if I had done the haggling to the best of my ability. I named my price and after several tense negotiations, I got it. The whole experience was quite exhilarating.and I did the whole thing on an empty stomach. There was quite a bit of the old "Well my manager ain't going to agree to that" and all that other nonsense. I was a bit disappointed that he never offered to"throw in the under coating for free" or anything else like that you usually see on tv.

When I got the car home, I learned that it had an Emergency Trunk Release. I proceeded to hop into the back of the trunk and test it out to see if it worked. It did. In hindsight, this should have been something I tested out at the dealership. Imagine how funny it would be to get in the trunk, test out the release and then in a dead pan manner ask the sales guy if there was any way for it to be disabled and that it would be a deal breaker if you could not. Hilarity surely would have ensued.

So now I have my new car. Hopefully I am able to drive it into the ground the same way as I did with my Exploder. Would I have purchased a car if it were not for the government rebate program? Probably not. I most likely would have continued to dump massive sums of money into my Exploder until it simply ceased to run anymore. I am feeling pretty good to go with the car. Here's to another 120,000 miles.

My semi goes 185

2009-07-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

It appears that my beloved 1998 Ford Explorer Sport may be getting past its prime a bit. Several, if not all, of my friends continue to utter phrases like "get rid of that POS already" and "should your car be making that high pitch noise?" and "way to destroy the environment, asshole". Ok that last one not so much. Either way, I have decided to at least consider the idea of purchasing a new car.

Now when going to the dealership, I plan on employing the George Costanza approach to buying a car. "You never tell 'em you like the car. You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here. Youll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, youre on your back like a turnip. No matter what they say, you say, "Ill walk out of here right now!"" This method should work well due to the fact that I really have nothing wrong with my current vehicle. Sure it requires a little diligent maintenance every once in a while, but certainly nothing that would prevent me from using it on a day to day basis.

Nay, the main reason I am looking at this point in time is the "Cash for Clunkers" program that our government has so graciously provided. Under the plan, I could get up to $4500 dollars for trading my car in for a more fuel efficient car. This value is far more that I could realistically get under a normal trade in which would probably be in the area of only $1000 on a good day.

So with that in mind, I have lined up several candidate cars for which I will test drive in the coming days and weeks. Behold:

2010 Toyota Camry
This is the obvious winner right out of the gate. Solid fuel efficiency, great safety ratings and a general feeling of swankyness. The sun roof is a bit worrisome as it would be one extra entry point for zombies that I would have to fortify. Im not sure if the 2.4L 4 cylinder engine would have the power needed to plow through the hoard of zombies either. This car also features adequate cargo room to hold several days rations of food and or weapons. After all incentives plus the money from the Cash for Clunkers program, the price wouldnt be unbearable either. All in all, I would rate it as 2/5 on the zombie survival scale and 4/5 on the bang for the buck scale.

2010 Nissan Murano
This is an interesting car. While not possessing the same fuel efficiency standards of the camry, the Murano does put up some good numbers for a Mid-sized SUV. It is also considerably more pricey starting out at around $30k. However, you would be able to store many more supplies in the event of the zombie apocalypse. The engine is also more powerful which would come in hand should you run into any hordes of mindless zombies that need to be plowed through. If I decide that I cannot make the downsize from SUV to sedan, this will most likely be my pick. 3/5 on the zombie survival scale. 5/5 on the pain to my wallet scale.

Volvo VT 880
Our final candidate comes to us from our friends at Volvo. The VT800 is your standard top of the line Semi-truck. Equipped with a 16-liter, 600-hp Volvo D16 engine, I would have the extra muscle needed to move heavier loads or doubles over long distances and up steep grades. And with over 520 cubic feet of living space in your choice of beautifully coordinated interior design packages, you know youll be riding in style. Sure it may not get a high MPG score but with 300 gallons of fuel to use, who cares? This is the ultimate in zombie survival. It will also guarantee you being noticed by the shawtys as you roll by in your 40 inch spinnaz. The price is a bit steep at $120k. And Im pretty sure that this car will not qualify for the Cash for Clunkers program. Never the less, 5/5 on the zombie survival score. 5/5 on the awesomeness score.

Anyway, I now have to get out there and test drive all these things. Do a little haggling and come out with the best bang for the buck as well as zombie survival preparedness. Ill keep you updated.

Bloodsport review

2009-07-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

So over the weekend, I had the opportunity to watch a movie that I had not seen in a long time. In fact, I only realized that I had indeed seen it before when the final scene of the movie began to transpire. The move I watched was Bloodsport: a Jean-Claude-Van-Damme film about fighting ninjas or something.

I only say or something because I really have no idea what the movie as about. From what I could tell, the plot was something to the effect of a secret under ground fight club similar to mortal combat. The kind of fight where 2 men would enter the ring and one man would leave. Then the other man would leave after being declared the winner. That part I understood just fine.

There was also some kind of knock-out-time record that meant something to some of the fighters.

No it was the random cut scenes between the fights that truly threw me off. For instance, after one of the aforementioned fights, the camera faded away to some random guy next to the ring, a person we have never been introduced to mind you, who then proceeds to pick up all the teeth that were knocked out from the previous fight. Oh, he also puts them in his mouth to see if they fit. Then the scene ends and we never see that guy again. Who were you after-fight-teeth-collecting guy, we hardly knew ye? If I had to put a number on it I would say that the movie only had about 30 minutes of actual plot related story telling.

There was also some reporter chick. They never really explained her either.

Ok so thats all well and good but I did actually learn something from this movie. That being that one can defeat an enemy even after magic dust is thrown in your eyes. In the final fight of the movie, Van-Dammes character is about to finish off his opponent when at the last second, magic dust temporarily blinds him. I say temporarily because after Van-Damme goes on to still beat the ever living piss out of the bad guy he is miraculously able to see again.

All in all, a decent flick if only for the horrible acting involved. It really is a shame that they dont make movies like this anymore. Also, why hasnt Jean-Claude been in anything recently? Surely he could get a gig mocking himself the way Steven Seagal has recently... Perhaps that would be too much of a Double Impact?

Best line of the movie was from Van-Damme's opponent in the final scene: "You break my record, I break you." I seriously would have been laughing my ass off had my opponent said that to me. Leave it to Stone Cold Van-Damme to keep the ice running through his veins.

Achievement unlocked

2009-07-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

Thats right, I have achieved what Microsoft Support wanted to charge me 100 dollars for: Fixing my broken Xbox 360. This is more or less a follow-up to my salute to power tools post. For those of you interested, here is the story of what went down.

It all started about 3 weeks ago. I was playing the Point Lookout DLC pack for Fallout 3 when the hue on my screen changed to a bright green color. Immediately chalking it up to a glitch in the game, I powered down the 360 and turned it back on. Everything appeared kosher at first until the same green hue enveloped my entire Xbox dashboard. It was at this time that I began to realize that there might be something wrong internally. I turned it off for the night thinking it just had to cool down for a while or something.

The next morning before work I turned it on just to see if the problem was still there. Sure enough, it was. The strange part of the whole thing was that the Xbox was not Red Ringing. Everything appeared to be working normally save for the green hue on the screen. After fiddling with it later that night, the video output from the Xbox cut out completely. Still no Red Ring, however. I could tell that the Xbox was still working because I could still hear the audio in the background.

I started to look up on the internets if anyone else was experiencing a similar problem and discovered that very few people were. In fact, I was only able to find maybe 6 or 7 posts on random forums with folks who had the same problem that I did. Apparently Red Ringing is very popular, green hue/loss of video output not so much. It was at this time that I began looking in to sending it off to Microsoft for repair. After all, from what I have heard, they have to fix nearly 1 out of every 3 Xboxs that were manufactured.

After talking with a service rep, I was told that since my Xbox was not Red Ringing, it was not covered under the warranty that had been extended to those who had the Red Ring problem. Therefore, since my Xbox was out of warranty, I would have to cough up 100 bucks plus shipping to get it fixed not to mention take up to 6 weeks to get back to me. Ya thanks, but no thanks. Surely the internets had a better solution...

I scoured the intertubes for a couple days to determine what the best solution to my problem was. Eventually, I found a kit on ebay that looked pretty legit for only 6 dollars. The kit consisted of 8 screws, 16 nylon washers and 16 metal washers. The idea behind it is that these screws would replace the crappy x-clams that were holding the heat-sinks down on the motherboard. The instructions also called for "baking" which involved turning the Xbox on for about 2 and a half minutes without the fans on until it overheated. Supposedly this re-melts the solder under the chip and forces it back into position permanently.

So after doing all of this yesterday I was pretty hesitant to get my hopes up. In all honesty I fully intended on going to Super Target later in the day and purchasing a new Xbox if my plan failed to work. You could not have imagined my surprise when I flipped on that switch and saw the Xbox logo on the TV. Sheer jubilation ensued, I once again had a working Xbox. This goes to show you what a few power tools and kits on the internet can get you. I cannot possibly imagine how people got stuff done before the internet was invented.

Anyway, after dealing with the screws that led me to use the power tools I described in an earlier post, I decided to not put a single screw back in the stupid thing. My Xbox is now held together only by the outer plastic shell. Hopefully the fix I made was permanent and I never have to open it up again. If it does end up breaking again I will just probably go buy a new one. Either way, it was pretty fun to fix it myself. Now if only there were achievement points to be had for doing this....

A salute to power tools

2009-07-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

Since the dawn of time, mankind has faced one major problem: Stripped screw heads. Our story begins in the days of yore when a young gentleman name Mr. Torx decided that he wanted to invent a classification of screw that would enable propitiators of hardware to dissuade their customers from tampering with their manufactured devices. One of the benefits of this new Torx screw was that repeated tightening and un-tightening or simply using the wrong sized tool would render the screw useless therefore locking the device up forever.

Undeterred, civilization did what it has always done in the face of an insurmountable challenge: build something that could destroy anything. Realizing that a newly purchased device made impossible the idea of tinkering around inside by use of several Torx screws, a young lad by the name of Mr. Dremel came along and invented the Dremel Tool. This was the equivalent of entering the Imperial Age in Age of Empires 2 or when those monkeys learned how to beat other monkeys with bones in the film 2001: A Space Odyssey. No longer would man be held hostage by the grip of repressive technology.

It was in this spirit that I, yesterday, exercised my ability to defeat the Torx screw. After repeated attempts at brute force, the screw I was attempting to remove was smoothly hollowed out. I was nearly ready to admit defeat. Being at my last resort, I unleashed the destroyer of worlds. The only device capable of removing the head of a screw in a matter of seconds. Indeed within mere minutes I had grinded the head of the screw down to nothing. Spraks flew in every direction and the noise was defaning. Yes, I wore eye protection. I was also drinking a beer, so I consider that to be a push on safety. You never want to be TOO safe, after all.

At this very moment I am writing my senator requesting an official holiday to celebrate the life of one Mr. Bill Dremel. Too long has his great work gone unappreciated on large scale. Thank you, Mr. Dremel. Thank you for the greatest gift of all, the ability to remove whatever gets in our way at any cost.

At the very least, give the guy a "real men of genius" Bud Light commercial or something...

Auto-tune my life

2009-07-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

The time has finally come for me to join the 21st century and get one of these high tech smart phones that all the cool kids have. Hell, even the super lame emo kids have them. I've been stuck with POS phones for all my life. Not wanting to ride on the fanboy Apple train and being hindered by the fact that I use the Sprint network, there was never a phone out there that I yelled WANT at. The cool folks at Palm have solved that dilemma with the introduction of the Palm Pre.

Here is a nice little link to familiarize yourself with what I am getting.

With that in mind, many of you might now be asking "That's so awesome Mike, but what kinds of awesome things are you going to do with your new phone?" The answer is simple, auto-tuning. Yes, auto-tuning. The miracle software that makes Ashleeeee Simpson sound like shes not singing with cinder blocks in her throat. It also makes Kanye West eat fish sticks. My new goal in life is going to be to somehow add this to my phone so that I can converse with at all the shawtys in a sweet melodic tune.

I imagine that all my phone calls will go something like this in the future:

Hello, shawty, we can meet up at the mall (at the mall)
Browse around at the bookstore
Mentally ball until we fall

I am doing this for the sole reason of why anyone does anything: teh lolz. I actually got the idea for this by watching a video on YouTube, so I felt it was only fair to give them credit. Check out their video below. Ill let you guys know if this dream of mine ever comes to fruition.

Rib-pendence Day 2k9

2009-07-01T09:02:00.001-07:00

Well we are now officially half way through 2009 already. Coincidentally, today is also Canada Day which is sort of like Independence Day here in the US. According to Wikipedia, Canada Day is a federal statutory holiday celebrating the anniversary of the 1 July 1867 enactment of the British North America Act, which united Canada as a single country of four provinces. Lovely. So bust out the Molson and Canadian Mist tonight while kicking back and think about how much Canada has influenced your life.

Now if Canada Day reminds us of one thing it is this: July 4th must be right around the corner. Leave it to those crafty Canadians to have their holiday serve as a reminder to us, otherwise oblivious Americans, that our national day of celebration is nigh. Independence day gives everyone in America a free pass to get drunk in public and blow stuff up with fireworks all while eating as much BBQ as humanly possible.

With that in mind, I present to you the event I will be partaking in on the 4th of July: Rib-pendence Day 2k9. In case you are having trouble grasping the idea behind the name, I will go ahead and break it down for you. You see, July 4th is Independence Day. And ribs are delicious. When you combine the two, you a day full of drinking, swimming, rib pong and independence. In effect, we will be going America all over everyone's asses. Feel free to join in on the fun.

With the year now half way over, it is important to look back and ponder where the hell the first half went. My guess, Canada. They're very crafty.

Have a safe and fun July 4th everyone!

Bad week for celebrities

2009-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

It has been a tough week for celebrities. The anecdote that deaths happen in threes appears to have kick us in the butt once again. As I am writing this I am eating a spare egg roll, keep that in mind,

The losses of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson have once again showed how poorly the media handles stuff like this. Their deaths, while tragic, have been the focus of the 24 hour cable news networks for the entire week. The coverage generally follows this format:

Anchor: Ok were now joined by people who kinda sorta knew the deceased, welcome.

Guests1 and 2: Thank you Tom, great to be here.

Anchor: Ok so why dont you tell us all what you remember most about the deceased?

Guest 1 and 2: Blather on for 5 or 6 minutes about how awesome the deceased was while also reminding everyone how hard their struggle to be famous was at the outset.

Anchor: Lovely, thank you once again for being here. Ok we now go live to a breaking news story with Lynn Jacobs, Lynn?

Lynn: Thanks Tom, Im standing here live where I can now report that Megan Fox is bi-sexual. Sending it back to you Tom.

Anchor: Fascinating stuff. Next up, do bees think? A new study concludes that, no, they do not.

I actually had such a good time writing that up that I considered adding considerably more to it. Luckily for you, I had finished eating my egg roll and grew tired of typing. I hope the tune of that Sarah Mclaughlin song "I will remember you" was in the back of your head while you read this post. If not, well, it should have been. I suppose Green Days "Time of you Life" might have been sufficient as well. That is all.

Morbo wishes these storward nomads peace among the Dutch tulips.
-Morbo

The big time

2009-06-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well, it has finally happened. I apparently, have made it to the big time. If you recall, earlier this week I wrote an article about how aliens will be pretty upset about not being able to see Game 5 of the NBA Finals due to the DTV transition. It now looks like my post was intriguing enough to be expanded upon by other, larger websites. Need proof? I direct your attention to the following Space.com post: Aliens Lose in Switch to Digital TV.

Now I know what it feels like to break a hard hitting news story like this to the masses. I suppose now I just have to sit back and wait for the journalism job offers to come rolling in. It's champagne and caviar from here on out folks!

Pissing off aliens

2009-06-15T11:15:00.001-07:00

Well I guess it should have been obvious, but it appears that David Stern does indeed read my blog and had to go out of his way to ensure that my prediction would not come to be. So, like most of you last night, I watched game 5 of the NBA finals and realized pretty early on that it was going to be the Lakers walking away with the title. And if I believed that the NBA wasnt rigged, I would also have to applaud the Rockets for giving the Lakers the most amount of trouble in the playoffs this year.

There is a group, however, who will most likely never be able to watch game 5. Im talking, of course, about aliens. Let me go ahead and drop some science on you real quick. On Saturday, June 13th, all television stations in the US were mandated to switch over to an all digital format which effectively terminating the constant stream of analog broadcasting that had been emanating from Earth the past 70 or so years. Those 70 years of information will continue outward in the universe forever, available for any alien species to eavesdrop on.

Being overly conservative and assuming that we are the only intelligent species in our galaxy and also assuming that every galaxy has at least 1 species of our level of intelligence, I think it is safe to say that in no more than 3 million years there are going to be some pretty pissed off aliens. Think how pissed you would be if had to suffer through 2 months of basketball playoffs without ever knowing how they ended. In the aliens version of Wikipedia, Saturday, June 13th would be the day that human civilization bit the bullet.

In order to prepare for the eventuality of aliens coming to Earth in the future and demanding to watch the remainder of the 2009 NBA Finals, we can look to Futurama for advice. In the episode "When Aliens Attack", space aliens from Omicron Persei 8 are outraged when Earths broadcast of Single Female Lawyer is abruptly cut off due to a power failure. They proceed to fly to Earth and demand to know how the episode ends. However, since the episode aired on Earth over 1000 years ago, there is no copy available and the crew is forced to reshoot the final scenes at Planet Express. No doubt we will have to do something similar. And, somewhat ironically, we will have to stage a basketball game in very much the same way it is staged now.

I cant imagine how much ad money I would have if this blog were still being read 3 million years in the future.....

NBA finals prediction and more

2009-06-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

Right, well we havent had any kind of sports talk in a while so I figured I would take a few minutes of your time to explain what has been on my mind. Enjoy.

Ok, so the NBA finals. Did anyone else even know there was a game on last night? I sure as hell didnt. From what I can remember, the first game was last Thursday night, then mysteriously, there was not a game until Sunday. In fact, the only reason I discovered it was on was by being at a bar that actually had the game on. Now, fair enough, it is no secret that I am no NBA fan, mostly due to the rigging of games, etc. However, did anyone think that there was a chance in hell that Orlando was not going to win the game last night? Of course not, and if you look even closer you will notice that they conveniently covered the spread of four points only by having a foul call in the closing seconds of the game when it was clearly already over. How very convenient indeed.

I know, I know, I am crazy. My prediction is this for the rest of the series:

Game 4: Orlando ties the series up 2-2 in a blowout.

Game 5: Los Angles narrowly avoids losing at home in 4th quarter nail biter.

Game 6: Back in Orlando with the Lakers up 3-2, the Magic win handily.

Game 7: Game 7 in Los Angles, because you cant have a Finals Playoff Extravaganza without it being in Los Angeles. This is the only wild card that is left. I actually have no idea who the NBA wants to win this game. But whoever it is, will. Guaranteed.

Either way, Im glad Hockey and Basketball are finally nearing their conclusion. Unfortunately, as I predicted earlier this year, the Astros stink out loud and pretty much have nothing to look forward to the rest of the year. Luckily, football (both NCAA and NFL) is just around the corner. Could this be the year that the Texans make the playoffs? Possibly. This city would go absolutely nuts if they did.

Only one thing for sure is certain, Houston sports need to step back up to the plate. We had a great run from 1995 until 2005 and from there it all went back to the craptastic 80s and early 90s. Can someone please make me the GM of one of these franchises already so I can get the ball rolling? Id surely appreciate it, thanks.

"Horse racing is animated roulette."
-Roger Kahn

Weekend at the beach

2009-06-08T10:26:00.001-07:00

Well it was another exhausting weekend. Still pretty sleep deprived from the trip to New Orleans, I very reluctantly decided to go out for happy hour in midtown on Friday with promises from everyone involved that it would not turn into "one of those nights". And since "those nights" are pretty much the norm when hanging out with the folks that I do, I was skeptical to say the least. My fears were realized early on when the shots of patron started flowing only 15 minutes in. I made my friend, who shall remain nameless, promise me that we would leave no later than 10:00 since we had a big day at the beach planned for Saturday. Needless to say, that didnt happen and I finally got home around midnight.

I got up around 10 and started getting ready to go to the beach for the 23rd Annual AIA Sandcastle Competition. Learning my lesson from last year, I purchased some uber powerful SPF50 sun tan lotion to protect me from once again getting the worst sunburn of my life. This stuff was so powerful that Im pretty sure it gave the sun a mike burn. Anyway, after arriving in Galveston, I had to wait in line for nearly an hour to park. The crew that was working the lot were a bunch of yahoos, who wouldnt know a parking lot from a popsicle.

So I finally get out there with the sun blazing in all its glory. In case you are interested, here is how this thing works: each team has to build a sandcastle concoction of some type and then they are judged in several categories. One of the categories, apparently, is getting lots of people to come sign your sheet in a rudimentary election type thing. We used this to our advantage by soliciting bribes from the teams in exchange for our votes. In all, we probably got a few beers and several jello shots each for our efforts. I really got a sense of how awesome it must really be to be a politician.

Our teams theme was something to the effect of The Economy is in the Crapper. The idea was to have a conveyor belt of money bags being dropped into a toilet. The idea was brilliant, but the execution left a bit to be desired and we won no awards. Most of us were only there for the free beer and food anyway so we didnt particularly care. Some of the teams out there really did a spectacular job with their designs and I was genuinely amazed at some of them. If I can find a link to some of the pictures I will post them up here.

At some point during the day, people convinced me to go out into the ocean. Yes, the real ocean with all the sharks, jellyfish, undertow currents and vicious bacteria. I had to be gently coaxed out there but eventually just accepted the fact that I would probably be eaten alive.

At the end of the day, it was time to clean up our site. We had this kind of canopy that someone brought that needed to be taken down. Now there were 5 or 6 of us involved in this undertaking. All of us educated, relatively smart people and 2 of whom were engineers. I kid you not that it took the better part of half an hour to figure out how to fold the damn thing up. Defeated, I left for home before the task was completed. I later learned that it took a bit longer to discover a couple of latches that were holding the whole thing together. I am just going to chalk that one up to being in the sun too long.

All in all it was a blast and would really recommend everyone coming out next year. The SPF50 sunscreen was a life saver and I appear to only have been sunburned around my eyes where I didnt put lotion on because I assumed the hat I was wearing would be sufficient. Looking forward to next weekend where I have exactly nothing planned. Sitting on my ass will be a welcome change of pace.

Quote of the day on Saturday: "You'd be able to eat that watermelon a lot quicker if you took your shirt off." - One of my friends

More fun in New Orleans

2009-06-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

Back to work after a long 4 day weekend in New Orleans. My body is still pretty mad at me for the long hours and questionable eating schedule. And while the other trips to New Orleans in the past all had their memorable moments, this one might just have been the most jam packed.

We actually got around to leaving on schedule this time around 12:30 on Friday and, due to the lack of any kind of traffic, had a quick 5 hour drive to New Orleans from Houston. We checked into the hotel and immediately hit the casino. Now, since we have all been super degenerate at the casino in the past, they rewarded us with several free buffets along with some free monies with which to play with.

After eating entirely too much at the buffet, I proceeded to have the worst luck I have ever encountered at a casino. I was hitting nothing. Nothing at all. Playing high roller Pai Gow was probably my biggest downfall. I lost a quick four hundy and decided to just take it easy for a while. Everyone at this point was losing pretty badly so we headed down to Bourbon Street to drown our sorrows.

It was here on Bourbon Street that I learned yet another life lesson. That lesson being: always have a girl in your group when you are on Bourbon Street. Apparently, not following this simple rule results in random prostitutes coming up to you and giving you the "hey baby, you wanna party?" line. First of all, hookers, its time to come up with a new pick up line. Second, you are super fat and ugly. This was my first run in with hookers and I have to admit that I was not very impressed. I guess in my head they all looked like Julia Roberts in that god awful movie with Richard Gere. Oh well, live and learn, I guess.

Anyway, on Saturday I did a bunch of touristy stuff in the hopes of not wasting any more monies at the casino. The plan worked well and I finally got around to seeing this Jackson Square that everyone has been harping on me to see since my first trip to New Orleans. The artists were pretty impressive and I then realized that had I only brought my Country Legends guitar I could have unloaded it here for sure for a fat profit. When in Rome, I guess. I also got out to see the Mississippi River and some street performers doing break dances and hitting up people with the hard sell to buy their $20 dvd.

Finally, back in the casino, I got off to a good start with a gratis Champagne Brunch. Looking to play just a little more, I broke my one and only casino rule by hitting up the ATM for an extra hundred dollars. And while I did break my set limit, it would prove to be instrumental in me playing the hottest round of craps I have ever played in my life. I was hitting the sucker bets left and right. Hit snake eyes back-to-back at 30-1 each on a 5 dollar bet for a quick 300 bucks. I was keeping an active hard eight working and had to have hit it at least 7 or 8 times. Dont Pass was killing it for me while everyone else at the table was losing their ass on the Pass Line. In fact, the only bet that seemed to not be working for me was the field, which I usually can feel out pretty well.

All in all I won $555 in my quick hour at the craps table. Being back above water was invigorating. We had a quick 5 hour trip back to Houston on Monday and got back to the grind today. Certainly a fun trip, cant wait to go back!

Best quote of the trip: "I need the 'trouble with gambling?' phone number as my ATM pin number." One of us.

Quick update

2009-05-28T12:48:00.001-07:00

Wow, super lack of posting this month. It probably has something to do with the fact that this has been one of the busiest months Ive had at work in a while. Nonetheless, here are a few things going on that you should know about.

1. No, I have had no responses to the guitar on my craigtlist listing. I did lower the price to a cool $2,000 where it will remain until I either sell it on ebay or die. The plan is to put it up on Ebay some time next week after I get some time to fiddle with how I want the page to look. Bidding will start at $1000 with a $1500 reserve. Tell your friends!

2. I am going back to New Orleans tomorrow. This trip is being made out of the necessity to hit up a Harras at least once every 6 months to maintain players card points. I have been dying to get a vacation in for sometime and this will surely put my mind at rest. Nothing like winning a few Gs in the casino to get mind, body and soul recharged, amirite?

3. I finally cancelled the satellite dish the other day. I was asking myself everyday for the past couple months why I continue to pay for a service that I dont use. So now it will be internet only for my tv viewing pleasure.

Not much other than that on the upcoming schedule. That Sandcastle event that I got epic sunburned at last year is next weekend. More measures will be taken to ensure I dont end up feeling like crap for the following two weeks. I might even *gasp* use sunscreen for a change as my plan of just stay out of the sun and you will be ok did not work out at all last year. Anyway, until next time, Ill leave you with an inspirational story:

You know, when I was in school there was this kid, right, he wanted to play football more than anything - coach wouldn't let him because he wasn't big enough. But did he give up? No. No, it just made him try harder and harder, I mean the kid ate like a wild animal everyday, I mean he pumped iron all night long and after two months he got a hernia. Makes you think, huh? Oh yeah, there's one more thing, that kid's name was Richard Nixon. - Jimmy James, NewsRadio

Impulse buy

2009-05-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

Ok so heres the story of how I came to be in possession of a Country Music Legends autographed guitar.

It all started the Friday night before. We were all playing cards at a bar and proceeded to drink entirely too much alcohol. Being unable to drive back to Sugar Land, I crashed on Christine and Jonathans couch. I woke up Saturday morning in a daze. As I collected myself I had a bit of a dude, wheres my car moment. My keys were gone.

I came to find out that one of my other friends felt too cool or something to sleep on a random couch and proceed to drive my car home. So I am now car-less. Interestingly enough, I get a phone call from Taylor saying that he knows I dont have a car and would be willing to not only take me to Sugar Land but also to a free BBQ fundraising lunch being hosted by the Masons. In the back of my head I was certain this was going to be one of those cult meetings where they give you a weird hair cut and force you to drink kool-aid, but hey, cant pass up free BBQ.

So we get there and the food is delicious. They didnt have any kool-aid or any kind of punch or anything leaving me slightly disappointed. So I walked around a bit a looked at the various things that were in the so-called silent auction. Silent auctions never made much sense to me because it always seemed to have the loudest people crowded in a confined little space. Not seeing anything that particularly interested me, I prepared myself for the so-called live auction which involves people being as silent as possible lest they be confused with a person who actually wants to make a bid. I guess this is just one of those drive on parkways, park on driveways kind of things.

Anyway, it was at this point that Taylor and I saw the guitar. Let me just go ahead now and describe this thing to you. It is an S101 D41425BK acoustic guitar signed by Willie Nelson, Loretta Lynn, Kenny Rogers, Charlie Daniels, George Straight and BB King. Being the impulsive business man that I am, I immediately started scheming about how we could flip this thing. Surely we would be able to get it for way less than it is actually worth. So anyway, long story short, after convincing Taylor for like 20 minutes to go halfsies with me, we purchased it.

Now since I hope to eventually post a followup on this issue, I am not going to publish how much we paid for the guitar. The plan is as follows:

Step 1: Acquire Country Music Legends autographed guitar.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.

Last night I finally got around to taking some pictures of the thing and it is now up for sale on craigslist. I will be sure to let you guys know when I unload the thing and have a massive coke party or something.

So thats it, thats the story of how I came to be in possession of a Country Music Legns autographed guitar. The stars must have been perfectly aligned that day. Had I not gotten sloshed the night before, this most likely never would have happened and I would be living a life where I don't own a piece of Country Music Legends history. Alcohol truly is the cause and solution to all of life's problems.

On a related note, the stars were also aligned for another guy on the same day. This guy went to a live auction that his mom was catering and ended up buying a fighter jet. I tip my hat to you, good sir.

Thats all for now. Hopefully the follow up will be sooner than later. I would love to get this thing sold before my trip to New Orleans (yes, again) next Friday.

Book it, done

2009-05-12T08:51:00.001-07:00

I will be watching Game 5 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals between the Rockets and Lakers tonight after trivia. But before it comes on, let me give you a little "next week on an all new LOST" type of preview of what will surely transpire.

The series is tied 2 games a piece. Since this game will be played in Los Angeles, the Rockets will have a lead at halftime, maybe 10-12 points. The Lakers will struggle in the 3rd quarter but so will the Rockets. The fourth quarter will start with a slim Rockets lead of only 2-6 points. The Rockets will widen that lead to 10 points at the 8 minutes to go mark of the game.

Suddenly, the Rockets will begin to make mental mistakes and commit fouls only when Kobe has the ball. He will sink all his free throws. The refs will rediscover that the traveling rule still exists and call it several times against the Rockets in the closing minutes. Finally, a defensive 3 seconds in the paint technical foul, something they havent called all night, will be called on the Rockets sending Kobe to the line with 30 seconds to go which will leave the Rockets only up by 1.

Ron Artest will go for an offensive rebound but it will be violently stripped by Kobe and a foul will be called on Artest. Kobe goes to the line and sinks both shots to put the Lakers up by one with 10 seconds to go. Kobe punches Ron Artest in the face on the inbound play and makes an easy layup to secure the win. Ron Artest gets a technical for complaining about it to the refs and gets a 10 game suspension. Laker fans spend the next 2 days applauding the refs for their fair and balanced officiating.

Think Im crazy? Just watch the game tonight.

EVERYBODY PANIC

2009-04-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

(Isn't swine flu kitty cute?)

So here we are, once again, being inundated with EVERYBODY PANIC! news coverage of this swine flu thing. And, as with every new catastrophic pandemic the dumbest portion of the population will generally be glued to their tv while sitting in a plastic bag with all the windows and doors duct taped shut waiting for the news to tell them its ok to come out again.

I tend to not watch the news while stuff like this is going on if only to keep my sanity. I saw a headline today which read something to the effect of First confirmed case of death due to swine flu in the US. Pretty scary stuff, right? Wrong. What the Scaretastic headline doesnt mention, and the article only casually mentions as well, is that the person that died was a citizen of Mexico and had come here to the US for treatment. And while that is tragic, not quite as dramatic as the headline would have you believe.

I would like to now casually point out that the normal flu that goes around every year kills, on average, 64,000 people according to the CDC. Where are all the panic headlines for that? Currently, this swine flu has caused the deaths of around 100 people, all in third world countries, namely Mexico, that have sub-par medical treatments available. The fact is that many of the people that have been infected here in the US are doing quite fine and the risk of death for them is substantially lower.

I know you are probably saying right now lolz, but mike if we dont panic the next one might be the real thing and we wont be prepared. I am not saying to not be prepared. And Im quite sure we are pretty well prepared already, hence the lack of US deaths related to swine flu thus far. I just wish the media would stop blowing things completely out of proportion simply because there is nothing else to talk about.

But, lets face it, scaremongering sells. The media has a feeding frenzy every time something like this happens because it knows that people will be terrified and watch their channel 24/7. Remember SARS a few years back? Of course you don't because it caused the zombie apocalypse that ended humanity.

The number one leading cause of death for humans has and will always be life.

There, end diatribe. Now for mine and your amusement: The Jack In The Box Mini Sirloin Burgers Commercial. Beware, the song will be in your head all day.

More like chimney sweeps

2009-04-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

Aside from me attempting to write my own sitcom, I am not someone you would necessarily categorize as being in the biz. With that in mind, I will attempt to rationalize why the big 4 networks (ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC) constantly shake up their programming lineups by having some weeks with no episodes, some weeks with multiple episodes and some weeks with episodes that are cliff hangers followed by a week with no episode.

After doing a fair amount of research (read: none), I discovered that the majority of schedule based decisions are made based on the sweeps time of the year. You see, if I understand this correctly, during a certain time of the year, generally in May, the Nielsen Ratings group sends out their diaries to their focus groups. The networks understand that their shows had better be not only showing, but be of the highest caliber if they want to take home the coveted ratings crown which has significant meaning (read: none).

The idea is to have the best programming on during the sweeps period which will in turn garner the highest number of viewers which in turn means more hookers and blow for the executives. I am now going to explain the flaw in this logic:

Imagine this scenario: Joe 12pack comes home from a long day schlepping it down in the coal mines. He cracks open a beer and gets ready to watch How I Met Your Mother, which will be on tonight because tonight is Monday and the past 9 Mondays have all had new episodes. Imagine his surprise when instead of How I Met Your Mother, he finds himself watching And now the new hit sitcom guy gets hit with shovel in head for a million bucks! on only on CBS. Joe is now confused. Has his show been cancelled? Moved to a new timeslot? Cancelled?

Joes life is now spiraling toward oblivion. And whats worse is that Carlos Mencia is hosting this new show. Joe now assumes that 7:00 on Monday will now be filled with garbage and switches over to FOX to watch Sarah Conner Chronicles which, much to Future Joes disappointment, has already been cancelled. Summer Glau weeps for Joe. This means that Joe will not even attempt to watch the show during sweeps because he assumes there will never be another episode of it ever. No hookers or blow for executives.

My point is this: Do what 24 and occasionally LOST do. Have an uninterrupted run of episodes at the same time on the same day of the week. Sure, if that means starting the season later to accommodate the almighty sweeps, so be it. Everyone will be happy, especially the hookers and drug dealers. They really need to make me the head of a network already. I have TONS of ideas like this. However, most of them involve Steven Segal...

Getting screwed wholesale

2009-04-22T10:15:00.003-07:00

Whoa, been more than a week since the last post. So let's see what's in the news right now? Oh, today is Earth Day. So everyone needs to go out today and give the Earth a high-five or a fistbump to let it know that you are still down with it. We would not want the Earth to think that we are no longer BFF with it.

In the future, hopefully we will have colonized other celestial bodies and we can have days for those as well. Who wouldn't want to celebrate Titan Day, or Gliese 581 e Day? I, for one, welcome a time where every day of the year has a certain planet's holiday associated with it. Think of all the cake!

Today is also Administrative Professionals Day, or Secretary's Day if you want to be an ass about it. So if you are fortunate enough to have a secretary, go give them a good fistbump to show them how much you appreciate their dedicated service. Or go bang a really ugly one, if that's your way of showing appreciation.

Having 2 holidays on 1 day seems like a bit of a cop out. I mean, seriously, now we are only going to be able to get 1 cake. And it will probably have something to the effect of "Happy Earth/Administrative Professionals (Secretary's) Day!" written on it and there will be barely any room to put lots of strawberries, if any at all, on it. This time, they have gone too far. First, they took away Washington's Birthday and I said nothing. Next, it will be Columbus Day. Where does it stop people?

In closing, as you are enjoying your Upgrayedd (Double-Dose) Holiday with a nice piece of cake, take some time out to think of all the other cakes you could be eating.

I realize this was sort of a rambling post, but I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!

My traffic proposal

2009-04-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

Traffic is occasionally miserable in Houston, understandably so. The thing about it, however, is that almost all traffic is caused by nitwits who are putting on makeup, reading the paper and smoking a ciggy.while driving at the same time. They then invariably cause a wreck which causes the fire department to spend the next 30 minutes scraping their entrails off the off the freeway backing traffic up for miles. (Quick tangent, there really was a guy reading the paper and smoking a ciggy while I was driving into work today).

Unfortunately, the actual wreck itself is not the only contributor to slow traffic flow. Drivers, who have been poking along at 1-2 mph for the past 45 minutes have long since given up any hope of getting to their destination on time. They get into a mindset that I like to call Forgotspeedlimitidis. While in this state, they forget that the speed limit on the freeway is 65mph and they basically continue to putter around at 30-40 mph, causing right-minded drivers to blow by them which will typically illicit the honking of a horn and possibly a faintly audible asshole! from the slow driver.

Now, I am no traffic flow expert by any means. In fact, I am not even sure there is such a thing. Nevertheless, I do have a proposal that would enable conscious drivers like myself to enjoy a swift, carefree ride into work each day. My proposal is to have two lanes on the left side of every freeway, similar to HOV lanes. These lanes, which for the purposes of this blog we will call Awesome Lanes, will be for drivers with a clean record only.

You will be free to driver on these lanes as long as you do not cause a wreck. However, once you do, and it is blatantly your fault, thats it, youre done, forever. From that point onwards, you will not be allowed to drive on the awesome people lanes, ever, for as long as you live.

Now, you are probably asking yourself right now but.but.but.m1ke, who will decide who is at fault in the wreck?. The solution is simple. Trial by a jury of your peers, of course. 13 random fellow Awesome Drivers will be sent all the evidence about the wreck including, but not limited to: police reports, pictures, eyewitness testimony and anything else needed. Jurors will be able to vote anonymously online without deliberation. A 2 thirds majority will result in the driver never being allowed to drive on the Awesome Lanes again.

There, problem solved.

The smoke monster is bored

2009-04-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, since last night's LOST was so epic, I decided I would add my two cents about what I felt was a hilarious turn of events for our good friend Ben. If I have ever talked to you about LOST, you know I am a huge fan of Ben. The guy is a man with a plan and he always executes it regardless of consequences to other. He is a freaking ice man.

Last time Ben was in his house he was still "the man" of the island. His daughter had just been killed and he displayed to us his ability to summon the smoke monster and kill the mercenaries responsible. He did this (at the time we really didn't know how) by apparently going into his already secret room which itself also had a secret room. In last night's episode, we learned that he drained some sort of muddy water at the end of a hallway which enabled him to "communicate" with the monster.

Within seconds of doing this after his daughter was killed, the monster appeared and thrashed the mercenaries senseless. Last night, after Ben uttered "I'll be outside", he assumed it would be the same sort of instant reaction to his command. He even warned Sun that whatever was about to come out of the jungle was something he could not control and that she might want to go inside for protection. The monster never appeared. It was as if when the monster heard Ben say he would be outside, he simply continued to watch Gilligan's Island reruns on Nick at Night while giving Ben the finger.

The monster had had it with Ben. Just like a teenager refusing to clean their room on their parent's instruction. The monster was saying "you wanna talk to me, come down to my super secret lair. I don't feel like tromping through the jungle. You guys have been gone for three years leaving me with no one to shake trees at. Plus this is the one where Gilligan and company might finally get off the island, no way I'm missing that. Oh, that Gilligan."

Even when Ben finally made it to the temple, he had to wait a bit for the monster to appear, probably having to wait for a commercial break no doubt. It then appears, surrounds ben and flashes images of his past to him, mostly about Alex, mostly. The monster than manifests itself as alex and violently tells Ben that should he so much as touch John Locke again, that it will destroy him. Than, as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. Keyser Soze ain't got nothin on the monster.

This was easily the best episode this season. Locke and Ben centric episodes never fail to live up to the hype. I seriously cannot wait to see how the rest of this season will play out. Damn you ABC for your upcoming clip show in 2 weeks. The smoke monster frowns upon your shenanigans.

A message to pirates

2009-04-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Somali Pirates,

You have had a pretty good run lately of hijacking cargo ships and picking up hefty randsoms for their safe return. We applaud you in your endeavour. However, you recently hijacked a vessel that flew and American flag and had an all American crew. Now we understand that you may have become bored while hijacking other countries ships and always getting your randsom money right away. Unfortuentaly for you, your bold quest for a bigger bounty from hijacking an American ship was, for lack of a better phrase, a huge mistake.

You see, we Americans have all seen Die Hard and Under Siege. We know how to get stuff like this handled in the swiftest way possible. We crawl through air vents and yell phrases like "yippie-ky-ay" as we send dead terrorists down elevator shafts with clever and amusing phrases written on their shirt. We can withstand a barrage of bullets while beating down the 20 people shooting them with nothing more than a tire iron. And we always get the girl at the end.

After 9/11, you should realize that hostages are no longer going to sit idly by while you attempt to extort their employers. You are no doubt understanding this well now as several of your comrades are floating in the open ocen and another in custody after being defeated by an unarmed crew. Neither Cockpuncher nor Jack Bauer were needed.

So please, do yourself a favor and stick to messing with ships that are crewed by more wussy countries, like France. You don't mess with America. We're all a bunch of crazy bastards over here and we like nothing more than kicking other people's asses. And lets face it, you guys are not exactly in a position of sympathy in the eyes of the world.

Regards,

America

I don't think you've got the balls.
Cockpuncher

Opening Day

2009-04-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Opening Day 2009. The first and last day of the season where all 30 teams are even in the standings, fresh with their 0-0 records. Tomorrow, 15 local newspapers across the country will declare their team "contenders" after their first win while the 15 others will declare the season over and start wondering about what moves need to be made for next season. Unfortunately, I feel the Astros will fall into the latter of those two categories this season.

This preseason was nothing short of a disaster for the stros. They finished with an abysmal 12-16-4 record with the final loss coming to their own AA team. One stretch of the preseason left the Astros winless for more than 2 weeks. Headlines such as Wandy shines in 9-5 loss were common place. It does appear that Roy Oswalt will be the only pitcher worthy of being a starting pitcher. The rest, as one of my friends put it, would have a hard time making the starting roster for a nursing home softball team.

It seems like less and less of a stretch that the Astros will finish in the bottom half of not only their division, but all of baseball. They will have company with the usual bunch of stragglers like the Royals and the Pirates, all of whom have not had a winning season in decades. My prediction of 61-101 does not see as far fetched as it did when I originally (sarcastically) made it in the first place. But hey, that is what happens when you fill out a lineup card with 2 career .200 hitters and 4 pitchers who have either spent most of their career on the DL or failed to win even 10 games this past season.

Hopefully, I am wrong. And if I am I will own up to it. If I am wrong, it will mean that Berkman and Lee and Oswalt had spectacular years, all worthy of MVP and Cy Young considerations. It will also mean that Michael Bourne and Geoff Blum forget that they couldnt hit the broad side of a barn. Matsui and Hampton will have to stay off the DL. Wandy will have learned how to win on the road and the rest of our pitchers will have learned to pitch period.

So I suppose that if all of the above were to transpire then, yes, they might have a shot at making the playoffs. Im not going to hold my breath.

I've come to the conclusion that the two most important things in life are good friends and a good bullpen.
~Bob Lemon

Strange internet

2009-04-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

Folks, I have found it: the pinnacle of human communication. This website allows you to instantly talk to a complete stranger on the internet. Thats ALL it does. You go there, click Start a Chat and you are then instantly connected to a conversational partner. You are free to leave the chat at any time and talk about what ever you want.

Now, we all know the internets are serious business. With that in mind here is just a sample of the conversations I had while fiddling with it yesterday:

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hi
Stranger: hello
You: are you a chat bot?
Stranger: nope im a real person!!
You: hmm, i see
Stranger: yep
You: are you that alien from the movie sphere?
Stranger: i dunno what sphere is
You: hmm, that's what the alien would have said.....
Stranger: i swear im not an alien!!
You have disconnected.

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hi.
Stranger: Hi
You: How many different kinds of fish can you name?
Stranger: Not many, why?
You: It's the yardstick by which I measure all my conversational partners
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

The conversations will vary from conversational partner to conversational partner (I was even ascii rick-rolled) with the majority of them being completely idiotic. It also appears that most of the people who use this service are from Europe, more specifically Poland. I am not sure what to make of this yet, but I am fairly certain it will only end in tears. Let me know what you think!

And no, you cant has a April Fools Day joke, not yours.

...and found

2009-03-26T08:49:00.001-07:00

We are now more than half way through the current season of LOST. That being the case, I have decided to make a few predictions about where I believe certain characters are heading. Keep in mind that I am a huge fan of the show and have seen all the episodes multiple times which should give some credence to the predictions I am about to make. Enjoy.

- Kate is the Smoke Monster
Kate has always been very mysterious. Popping in and out of peoples lives and constantly changing her mind about who she wants to hang out with, very similarly to Smokey.

- Hurley is Ben in the future
When Ben was exiled from the Island, he felt like a huge part of his life had been ripped from him. Now that he is back, the Island will still want nothing to do with him causing him to sit in pajamas all day and eat ice cream causing him to get fat, move to Los Angeles, work at a chicken stand and then win the lottery.

- Locke is Amelia Earhart
Amelia Earhart was LOST while trying to circumnavigate the world in a plane. Locke was LOST while attempting to fly home after being unable to go on a walkabout. Think about it..

- Rose is one of the Dharma Vans
Rose makes things happen. Similar to the way a van enables a person to get from one place to another.

- Old Walt is Young Walt.
I dont think I really like older Walt. Also, WAAAALLLLLLTTTTTTT!!!!!!

- Sawyer is the Frozen Donkey Wheel
Much the same way the Frozen Donkey Wheel changes the timeline people are in, Sawyer helps fill in the slow gaps when the show is beating us over the head that Richard Alpert still isnt aging.

- Jack is Jacob
Duh.

- Richard Alpert is the orange that John Locke was chewing on in the pilot
This one is more of a hunch than anything else. I think it has something to do with his eyeliner.

- Vincent is the Island
Vincent is always appearing in places that hold crazy important significance to the show. Anytime we hear the Smoke Monster, aka. Kate, theres Vincent. Anytime people wander off into the jungle, never to be seen again, theres Vincent.

- Aaron is Claire
Try to wrap your head around that one!

- Juliet is Juliet and always will be Juliet
Im not even sure she is supposed to be on the island at this point.

- Bernard is the jar of ranch dressing Hurley was eating
Another one of those self explanatory ones. Hurley likes giant jars of ranch dressing. He also like Bernard.

- Libby is the Hurley Bird
Who else would be hanging out in the Jungle yelling Hurleys name other than the crazy lady who was in love with him who was killed who also happened to be at the same mental institution as him.

- Desmond is Michael Keaton
Michael Keaton was originally scheduled to appear as the role of Jack in the pilot. He was scripted to die in that first episode. Plus, Desmond would make a great Batman.

- Jin is Sun and Sun is the 4 toed statue
I wont spoil how I came up with this one just yet, mainly because I have no idea how it would actually work.

- Charlie is the sky turning purple
Charlie was in a rock band. Prince, who also was a rock star, had a song called purple rain. Coincidence? Not on LOST, my friend.

I am, of course, not entirely sure how accurate these predictions will turn out to be. Somewhere in the 80-90% range is what I am assuming. Feel free to let me know your own predictions of where some of these characters are going. Although, after last nights episode, who knows where ANY of the characters will eventually end up.

Resident Evil 5

2009-03-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have been told by quite a few people that Resident Evil 5 is pretty epic. I am generally pretty skeptical when I hear thing like that but enough clamor has been raised that I decided to get the game and give it a try. I really enjoyed playing Fable II, the last game I played that everyone was going ape shit for, at least until I encountered a game ending bug that prevented me from playing it any more. So, bugs aside, hopefully I will enjoy this one as well.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that Zombies, in general, scare the ever living piss out of me. I am certain that playing Left 4 Dead has taken several years off my life. Luckily for me, if this game is on par with the level of scaryness in the movie, I think I will be alright. And since I am a pretty big fan of the movies, it is a bit baffling as to why I have never played any of the games in this series seeing how the movie was based on the game.

In more sort-of-related news, I tried and failed to fix the Xbox 360 red ring of death issue for one of my friends. Im not going to get into the details, but it did involve drilling several holes into the metal inner case. The warranty was already void so I suppose there was no harm in giving it a shot. I really wanted to try the alleged Towel Trick, which involves wrapping the 360 up in towels and letting it run for 10 minutes until it gets so hot that the solder melts itself back into position, but my friend wanted none of that. The thing is now so FUBAR that the fans no longer spin and the DVD drive will not even open. I wonder if would still be possible to send it in to Microsoft and hope they neglect to check if the warranty sticker has been broken and just hope they send a brand new one..

Either way, not my problem, but it was fun taking the whole thing apart.

Ruck of the Irish

2009-03-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Today is apparently St. Patricks Day. A holiday that is celebrated by drinking obscene amounts of alcohol. A holiday so great that you don't even have to buy cards or gifts. The only rule you have to abide by is wearing an arbitrary color and everyone will be cool with you. Failure to do so will result in one of your more bubbly co-workers pinching you while ridiculing you at the same time.

And just like any holiday, you will have a few Nattering Naysayer McFunlesses who will go out of their way to let you know they dont give a damn about it. You will hear phrases such as Why celebrate St. Patricks day when I dont even drink?. Unfortunately, it makes you come across as an stereotyping hack along the lines of Why celebrate St. Patricks day when I dont even beat my wife?. How about you just stay the hell out of the conversation then, dick!

No doubt several newspapers will conjure up stock information and shove the same stupid "47 things you didn't know about St. Patrick's Day" and "Police on high alert for drunk drivers this St. Patrick's Day" stories they regurgitate year after year.

I personally will be going to the place we Play Trivia at. No doubt green colored drinks will be consumed as well as some sort of rumored stew. In case you have been wondering why I havent written much about trivia lately, the reason is simply that we have sucked it up so badly that is not even worth mentioning. Oh well, stay safe tonight you guys. And remember to punch those anti-holiday people right in the baby maker if they give you any crap.

It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money!
-Irish Toast

NASA we've got a problem

2009-03-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

NASA has been having quite a few problems recently. And Im not even talking about the multi-million dollar Global Warming Fear Monger satellite that failed to achieve orbit a couple weeks ago. No this post will be dedicated to the Space Shuttle, more specifically, things that can be done to ensure that missions get launched on time and in a safe manner.

Now if you follow any of NASA related stuff at all, you will know that they have been trying to get the Space Shuttle Discovery off the ground since early February. Plagued by fuel control valve problems, the mission had been delayed infinitely. Once all of that had been settled, everything was good to go for a night time launch that was scheduled to occur last night around 8 CST. But, of course, another problem involving the main hydrogen gas line was discovered and the mission was scrubbed again.

Now I want to make it perfectly clear that I am no rocket scientist (although I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night), but it just sort of seems that most if not all of the issues that end up delaying missions are rather silly. In my humble and sarcastic opinion, I believe that many of these issues could be fixed with stuff that you find on late night infomercials. Ill give you a couple of examples to prove my point:

Real Life Examples

1) The leaky hydrogen gas pipe could be easily repaired by Mighty Putty . According to the commercial: Fill surfaces holes and cracks, instantly seal leaks in pipes and faucets, repair ceramics, furniture, tools and more. Im fairly certain that by and more they are talking about multi-billion dollar space equipment.

2) A while back, a shuttle launch had to be delayed because of dents in the main fuel tank caused by hail. They spent weeks and who knows how many millions of dollars carefully filling in the holes and sending it down when all they needed was Fix It!. Just apply to damaged area, rub in with the power buffer and wipe away. Safe to use on any color. Not to mention the FREE BONUS: FREE FIX IT PRO SCRATCH REPAIR APPLICATOR. See what I am talking about here?

More Hypothetical Examples

1) Lets say an astronauts spacesuit gets ripped while in the void of space. Due to his hefty schedule, he has no time to sew it back up. Not to fear, he has a canister of Mighty Mendit! Whether it's a denim, leather or lace you can use Mighty Mendit any time, any place. Surely we could add Even Space! to that lovely tagline.

2) Hypothetical number two dives down into something we can all appreciate: food. Lets pretend that NASA is going to delay a launch because there is no time to make a good meal. Not a problem anymore, not unless you have the Big City Slider Station! Big City Slider Station is the mini burger sensation that's sweeping the nation. You just scoop, press, and cook on ANY stove...and in just minutes you'll have 5 mouth-watering sliders! With a couple of these, you could easily feed and entire fleet of astronauts and get them on their merry way on up to outer space.

I am guessing by now that you see my point. These products could easily save NASA not only time by getting missions of as scheduled but also millions of dollars in savings since these products generally only cost maybe like 20 bucks each. Not only that, they will usually throw in a bunch of free stuff just for calling in the next 10 minutes!

I really might be onto something here. Perhaps they should have made me the new head of NASA..

Lotta bout living and a little bout love

2009-03-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

So last night, I went to the Rodeo. Now, for all you non-southerners, the Rodeo is an event where everyone in the city forgets that they are lving in the 21st century, dresses up like they are in the old west and watches a bunch of folks who really are living in the past wrestle with a bunch of wild animals. Truly a unique event that everyone should eventually make time to attend once in their lives.

The events are pretty much what you might expect: Bull riding, Barrel Racing, Calf Wrestling and Wagon Racing. One of my favorite events has always been the Calf Scramble where a bunch of middle school aged kids run around after calves in the hopes of tieing one up so that it may raise it and eventually make some serious cash off it.

This year had a new event, however, that instantly becamse my new favorite: Sheep Riding. This event features kids, who were almost certainly promised candy, who are placed on top of a sheep and then let go of. The goal is to stay on the sheep as long as possible, a la bull riding. And when I say kids, I am talking about 4 year olds here. These poor kids had the look of sheer terror in their eyes prior to being let go of and watching them fall straight on their asses was nothing short of the most brilliant entertainment I had ever seen. For all of you saying "that's so horrible!!", pipe down, all the kids got trophys, ok?

The festivites were capped off by a performance by Alan Jackson and then we went outside to go check out the carnival. While pretty standard by carnival standards, it did feature what appeared to be a ski lift type ride. I wanted to ride the thing that trows you up against a wall while spinning violently but no one else felt like throwing up. So we ate our fried oreos and went home.

And if you think I am making up the stuff about the Sheep Riding, be my guest to look it up on YouTube for some pretty epic lolz.

New Orleans 3: Tokyo Drift

2009-03-04T09:01:00.001-08:00

So this past weekend, I took yet another trip down to New Orleans in the hope that there would be no hurricanes to evacuate from nor any catastrophic car crashes that lead to concussions. For the purposes of history, I will henceforth refer to this trip as "New Orleans 3: Toyko Drift".

Instead of working all day Friday like suckers and leaving late at night, we decided to take the entire day off and get out to an early start. We left houston around 10:00am and made a straight shot to Lafayette, LA. No stopping in the death trap that is Orange, TX this time around. The main reason for stopping in Lafayette was to hit up the Krystal Burger. In fact, it would be safe to say that the main reason for this entire trip was food related as we had free buffet coupons for the casino in New Orleans.

After leaving Lafayette, we headed straight for New Orleans and made it there around 5:00 in the afternoon. The smell of vomit and urine from the weekend before (Mardi Gras) was still quite pungent in the night air. We hotel'd everyone (even the mayor) and then proceeded to what would turn out to be the main attraction for the trip: the casino. Most all of us had either free slot play or table match play coupons to burn through. Being a Friday, the table stakes were already at a $10 minimum with most being $15. Undeterred, we pretended to be high rollers by getting a hundie stack of nickels and playing at the $15 craps table.

Now if you know anything about craps, you will know that most people play the pass line and take odds respectively. Realizing that strategy had never worked out for me before, I proceeded to play the "wrong way" by playing the Don't Pass line. Needless to say, all of us that played ended up substantially ahead by the end of the session. Christine did exceptionally well, yet again, despite the fact that she continually said she had no idea what she was betting or even how she was winning monies.

After cleaning up at the craps table, we went out to Mother's for some Po'Boys. Quite frankly, they were delicious. In fact, since we actually did some planning ahead this time around, all the food we had was super good and super filling. Ironically, the only place that seemed a bit sub par was the casino buffet that we got for free.

I could talk a lot more about what all we did in the casino since we spent a disporportional amount of time there. But in the interest of you, the reader, I will move on to our Bourbon street experience. We started out early Saturday morning by missing the Cemetart Tour we were going to go on by 10 minutes due to extreme lolligagging. In light of that, we decided to go to Pat O'Briens to get one of their Hurricane drinks and be entertained by their piano bar. Since I had been there before, I advised everyone to nurse the drink as drinking it too quickly can really mess you up in a hurry. We had a good time there and then went back to the hotel to take a little nap before once again hitting the casino before finally making it back to Bourbon Street later that night.

It should also be mentioned that on the way back to the hotel, prior to our nap, we went to one of the Tropical Isle bars to try some of their ofther drinks (besides a hand grenade). The one I got was called the "Shark Attak" and the picture above is what it looks like. It is not so much what was in the drink that made it good but rather the way it was served to me. I don't want to ruin the surprise for you on that one, you will just have to try it for yourself.

Anyway, so late Saturday night we went back to bourbon street. We saw a sign on one of the bars that said "2 for 1 drinks". So we went in there and naturally ordered doubles of our favorite beverages not knowing that we were really getting double doubles since the drinks were already doubles. That really started the night off on the right track. We then went back to the Tropical Isle from earlier and got a couple Hand Grenades each before being completely done.

We got back at the hotel around 4 in the morning, ate some more Krystal Burgers, and went to sleep with checkout being just 6 hours away. Needless to say, we missed checkout and finally left the hotel around 12:30 for an uneventful ride home. I was so thankful that I finally got a trip to New Orleans with out any kind of catastrophy. Taking back more money than I took there didn't hurt too much either.

Sorry for the long post, but this trip was deserving of it.

American Dream

2009-02-25T09:22:00.000-08:00

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me. About you. The way our American hearts beat down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don't know.

Ah yes, the American Dream. The idea that one can better themselves through preserverence and hard work. The idea that someone with nothing at all can achieve greatness. The kind of stuff that really warms the hell out of the cockles of your heart and makes great "Lifetime Movie of the Week" moments. With that in mind, I have decided to give getting back into shape a try.

Now, sure, I've made this pledge to get in better shape every year around New Years like most people do. And, like most people, I have generally given up within a few hours of making said pledge. This year was different. So far I have managed to not only eat healthier but also keep a mild schedule of excercise in my like as well. It hast not been easy, as you can imagine, but hopefully I will be able to not only sched a few pounds, but be healthier as well.

Initially, my main motivation for this endeavour was that many people I have talked mentioned how much better and more alert they felt after exercising. I have not quite experienced the same results so far. I generally feel awful after doing any kind of exercise. The kind of awful that only a truly out of shape person should feel I guess. Punishment for all the sitting on my ass that I have been so prone to do. Hopefully, once my body gets used to the activites that working out entails, I will begin to reap the benefits of the program.

I would like to eventually get into the kind of shape that I was in while in high school when I played baseball. I could literally lift an elefant into the ait while riding a unicycle back then. Notice how I used the word "literally" there, thats' because it really happened. I'm sure you are at this point wondering why you havent seen this on youtube or something. Well, we didn't have all the fancy intertubes that you kids have now back then. Well, we did, but no camera or anything. So there, HA! Good luck proving it never happened.

I sort of went off on another tangent there, so ya. Honestly, I am only posting because I was listening to Dennis Leary on the way into work and wanted to post a few of the lyrics from the song "asshole". So I hope you enjoyed it. ENJOY IT BITCHES!

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a damned thing anybody can do about it.
-Dennis Leary

Hot Shots

2009-02-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

Shots. Yes, shots. Shots are a beast that can bring the toughest man down to his knees dry heaving and begging for what he just drank to get the hell out of his system. There are also the cute designer shots that hardly have any kick in them at all save for a splash of grapefruit vodka or any other equally "girly" (sorry ladies) liquor. Many times just the word "shot" will give the queasiest of you out there a jolt to the back of your throat which is generally more than enough motivation for you to give a response of "some other time pal". Luckily many of the people I go out and drink with do not share this blind hostility and are open to try new drinks from time to time.

Now if you have ever gone out with me to a bar, chances are I have forced you to take my favorite shot of all time: The Three Wise Men. This shot contains equal parts of Goldschlger, Rumpleminz and Jagermeister. Now before you irrationally cry foul at the simple idea of all those ingreients in a cup, let me assure you that their combination is nothing short of epic. If you are a fan of Beg Red chewing gum, you will like this drink. So if you are ever hanging out with me and have never had one of these before, lemme know so I can introduce you to greatness. And if you end up not liking it, well, I might just have to keep getting them for you.

In the spirit of shots, I would like to make a shout out to one of the more recent ones I have tried: The Lindsey Lohan. All the drink consists of is a normal Red Headed Slut with a slash of coke. Pretty lolz, huh? So give that one a try as well next time you are at your local watering hole.

Stay thirsty my friends. And don't hate on shots!

Don't rape my shows

2009-02-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

And now, onto the entertainment. Many of you know that Futurama is perhaps my favorite television show of all time. The ammount of lolz I have credited to that show surely numbers in the hundreds of millions. I am able to watch any of the classic episodes and still get a kick out of them. Sadly, poor programmings schedules forced this epic show to be cancelled before its time. A true tragedy indeed.

So you can imagine my utter joy nearly 3 years later when I heard the show was going to be coming back in a straight-to-dvd movie form. I waited patiently with much anticipation. This was going to be the dawn of new greatness for a series that few had the opportunity to savor. But alas, when the time came, I was met with disappointment. I watched all 89 minutes in shocking horror. I realized near the end that I had not laughed once during the entire flick. Something had gone horribly wrong. The creators of the show had pulled a George Lucas and invented their own Jar Jar Binks, so to say.

So I was thinking, "Ok, no biggie, this was their first ep back, they were probably just nervous or something, the future movies will surely be vintage Futurama". So I waited a bit longer for the second film to come out. And sadly, once again to my horror, it was another 90 minute piece of unfunny, uninspired garbage. I made a promise to myself that night to not watch any of the future movies made if only to preserve my image of the way the show used to be. The 22 minute episode of "Everyone Loves Hypnotoad" was the pinnacle of the two films I watched.

Last night, I was vindicated in my decision to stop watching the newly released films when a friend of mine, who I had warned about the awfulness of the new movies, informed me that indeed the new film was terrible. Charles Barkley might say it was "turrible, turrible, crazy knuckleheaded turrible." I would like to now ask, nay plea with the producers of these new movies to please stop making them. Stop ruining my show the way George Lucas ruined Star Wars. I feel like I need smokey the bear or something to say something to the effect of "Only you can prevent the destruction of your franchise".

You know it really is a shame they no longer use Smokey the Bear. I felt he was a effective way to inform people about the dangers of forest fires. Good guy, that bear was.

On a related note, a group of people are about to release a documentary of George Lucas' ruining of the Star Wars franchise. For more information about The People vs. George Lucas click here. My favorite line of the trailer goes as follows:

George Lucas: "Star Wars is my story. Just like my house is my house. So if I wanna paint my house green, even if everyone else thinks it should be red, guess what, I'm going to paint it Jar Jar."

Check out the trailer here.

This isn't a business plan, it's an escape plan!
-A guy from the 80's

More like the Lastros

2009-02-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

I have been trying not to think about this topic for a good time because I know how much it will depress me. But now since most other sporting events I care about are over, it was inevitible that we would have to start talking about the 2009 MLB season, mainly how god awful terrible the Astros will be this year.

I was taking a look at the 2009 predictions over at the Baseball Prospectus where they currently have the Astros winning 66 games this year, only 2 ahead of the Pittsburg Pirates. That struck me as funny since in previous years when the Astros barely missed the playoffs by a few games people would counter with the "at least we're not as bad as the pirates" argument. And, to some extent, they had a point. While the team did miss the playoffs, they were at least still watchable. I have a feeling it will be nearly impossible to watch an entire Astros game this season without ripping ones eyes out in disgust.

In my opinion, the only bright spots on the team this year will be Roy Oswalt, Carlos Lee and Lance Berkman. I might throw Hunter Pence in that list later depending on how his spring training numbers look. After that, the Astros have no one. Period. Starting catcher J.R. Towles, starting thrid baseman Geoff Blum and starting Center fielder Michael Bourn will combine to hit .300 when you add their batting averages together. Shortstop Miguel Tejada should and probably will be suspended for lying to steroid investigators. Second baseman Matsui will be injured every other weak and hit .250 when he's healthy. And Mike Hampton will be out for the season after throwing a couple warm up tosses before his first start.

I think the 66 wins the Baseball Prospectus is giving the Astros this year is generous. I feel it will be closer to 60 or 62 making it out first 100 loss season this decade. What is even worse is the fact that they have no star players in the pipeline that could be called up to play at the major league level. This season truely is going to be a dud.

But, of course, I hope I am wrong. Hopefully a magic wizard or something comes along and casts a magic rainbow over the team which enables them to actually, you know, play baseball. And if not, at least they will lower ticket and concession prices to reflect the team's poor performance the way they raised them when the team was doing well, right? Right? *sigh*.

With those who don't give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can't think of anything to say to them.
~Art Hill

Pizza Hut delivered this blog

2009-02-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

I was watching tv this weekend when I saw yet another Pizza Hut commercial where they supposedly dupe a restaurant full of people by informing them that THEY, in fact, made they food they are currently eating. I have a couple hangups with this, mainly the fact that the folks who are being duped are having intense discussions about how good the food is prior to the jig being revealed.

I don't know about you, but when I am at a swanky restaurant with friends we are generally talking about a local sports team or maybe why we are so awful at trivia. We are most certainly not talking about how well the lasagna holds together. My only guess as to why everyone is talking about their food is simply this: Pizza Hut found a bunch of homeless people, dressed them up, and gave them a free meal to be in the commercial.

Secondly, once Pizza Hut reveals that they are the people who prepared the food, everyone gets all excited and claps and pretends to be embarassed. Of course you are going to be embarassed! People have been filming you eat and listening to your private conversations for later use on national television. What if I had been talking about how I was nailing this hottie at work and laughing about how my wife would never find out? I would be pissed!

Not only that, if a restaurant I was at told me that they didn't even make the food I was eating, I would almost certainly never go there again. If I wanted Pizza Hut, I would have ordered it. But no, I decided to give your craphole place a try and you then proceed to give me someone else's food? Not cool at all.

I realize that this is just a commercial and I am taking it too literally, but still. Please don't tape my converations or dupe me into eating at places I didn't intend to go to.

I didn't realize this was like The Pentagon Papers.
-Dave Nelson

Amanduhhhh

2009-02-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

I was watching the film Can't Hardly Wait the other day, which is a great flick if you have never seen it. In the film, the topic of fate is discussed and I began to think about whether or not I believed in it. One of the lesser characters in the movie, the Angel Stripper, says "There is such a thing as fate, but it only takes you so far. Then it's up to you to make it happen." I guess that is a reasoning I could allow myself to subscribe to.

The more I think about it, folks who belive in full on fate ie. "everything happens for a reason", must be rather bored. Believing that nothing they do will affect the way they live their lives. For me, it would suck to know that everything I do was what I was supposed to do. That I was supposed to write this blog, today, at this time and on this topic. This would also have huge implications for future me as it means that bar stool of mine will probably never get assembled.

In a way though, I also kind of hope that their is some guiding force behind the actions that we take. However, I still want to be spontanious and give fate the finger every now and then. Just to keep it on it's toes about where it is leading my life. Perhaps fate is your conscience whispering in your ear "hey mike, it might be a good idea to put the beer down before attempting to ghost ride your car."

In the end, I have to belive fate is real. That can be the only explanation as to why this post was so woefully snoozeariffic. I didn't even feel like posting an update here today. The fate of this blog may very well be in question. But then again, if it's predetermined, there is nothing I can really do about it anyway.

That is a Fragrance of Love scented candle, bitch. Damn!
-Kenny Fisher

Mightier than the sword

2009-02-02T10:29:00.000-08:00

No, I am not talking about Pens. We're talking about shoes. Mainly the fact that several would be protestors are turing to them to get their message across. This has happend twice recently. First some crazy guy threw a shoe at then current President Bush while at a press conference in Iraq. And today when some other crazy guy threw a shoe at Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao at a press conference in the UK.

I guess I am just wondering why this seems to be the new way of expressing outrage at a certain individual. I suppose it is a bit less extreme than lighting yourself on fire. But for some reason, I think that the people who decide to go this route of protest think that it is some sort of ultimate shame to have a shoe thrown at you.

What they seem to not grasp, however, is that we and most other parts of the civilized world don't really give a damn about shame anymore. I mean look at Lindsey Lohan for crying out loud. The poor girl wouldn't know shame if the entire world laughed at her at the same time while she cried and cried about not being able to get a first class seat on an airline. You think throwing a shoe at her is going to make her feel embarassed?

I digress, my point is that protesters need to liven it up a bit. Throwing a shoe at an important person might get a clip on the "and before we go tonight" segment of CNN. However, throwing Lindsey Lohan at someone, would be in tabloids, talk shows, coffee shops, water cooler chat, internet blogs and parody commercials. You know, the stuff people really watch. Everyone would be thinking "haha that guy is going to have to take a lot of showers to get all that Lindsey Lohan off him."

Protestors have gone soft and it is time to liven it up a bit for our amusement. I'm ready to see some truly humorous and unique forms of protest. Throwing washed up celebrites at important peole is one of several things I want to see before I die.

I am not really sure how to wrap up this post, so I will just just post a picture of a silly koala bear.

My late night commercial

2009-01-30T09:06:00.000-08:00

Everybody once in a while will see one of those advertisments on late night tv and think to themselves, "hey, that's a pretty cool thing." Most of the time, that is as far as it goes because most people are generally sagacious and realize that the product must be junk since it is not sold in stores. So you can imagine my surprise when I found out recently that people are buying one particular item in droves, the snuggie.

Most of the garbage that is "as seen on tv" are mostly niche items for people who like crazy, unique junk to fill the empty gaps in their lives. Things such as the chia pet, that grabber arm for lazy asses, and, of course, robot insurance. All of those things are items that, for the most part, can not be purchased any where else. I am going to save my thoughts on the shamWOW for another post, but you get my drift.

The snuggie does not seem to fit into that category, because it is basically a robe that you put on backwards. I know I am really blowing some of your minds right now... Some of you who purchased the product might be saying to your monitor right now "lolz but mike this is more than a robe, I can hold mah fone and cuddle with mah children!". The thing is a glorified robe/blanket and yet, 4 million people have purchased it. The product isn't even made in Germany! It is truely shocking that in this economy people are buying something for $19.99 plus $7 shipping that can be purchased in the Beyond section of Bed Bath and Beyond for 5 bucks.

Please, please, please, if you take away nothing from this post, just remember that the snuggie is a ROBE. Not even a full robe! You are paying money for half a robe with no pockets!

I, for one, am going to hold out and wait for the Snuggie/ShamWOW hybrid. I can just picture the commercial now. Vince will come out and makes us feel silly for spending 200 bucks a month for robes AND towels. Billy Mays will start yelling at us. And finally, Ron Popeil will throw in a free knife set if we offer to tell just three of our friends about the product.

Can we please turn on the LHC already? I'm not sure if humanity can take waiting till 2012.

Economics: A Commentary

2009-01-26T08:28:00.000-08:00

I am a person who pretends to know a great bit about a large number of topics. The economy just so happens to be one I actually know a little bit about. In that spirit, I would like to offer a few explanations why the economy appears to be in the crap-hole situation that it is.

I will be using GE as an example. If I was on CNBC, I suppose I would have to disclose that I am a GE stockholder. Be that as it may, I am only using it as an example because I have a more intimate knowledge of it than I do of any others.

The company's stock has taken quite a nose dive over the past 6 months. From a high $38, the price has slid nearly 70% to around $12 where it currently resides. Much of this can be attributed to the global slowdown of the economy, which as we know as caused many large companies to go under recently.

There is something a bit strange about how GE has fallen so much more than the indexes that track it. Take the Q4 earnings report which was just released last Friday. The company reported earnings of $3.7 billion dollars on revenue of $46.2 billion for Q4 2008, meeting analysts expectations. The news sent GE's stock prices down 10% for the day, probably because the headlines of all the articles published about it were to the effect of "GE profit down 46%".

Now, granted, profit for Q4 2008 was 46% less than Q4 2007. But is that really the headline that should have been published? In a time where large companies are struggling to turn ANY profit at all, the headline for earning $3.7 billion in profit over three months is that profits are down? I suppose $15 billion a year in profit just isn't what it used to be anymore.

But yes, we all know that the media thrives on "ZOMG EVERYBODY PANIC, EARNINGS DOWN 46%" headlines because, quite frankly, that is what sells. No body gives a damn when people say things like, "Hey, things are pretty ok".

People on the internet, namely the Google Finance forums, will point out that the reason the stock continues to be in the crapper is because it is basically a "glorified financial stock". The logic being that since GE generates nearly 50% of its profit from it's financial arm and the fact that most of the banks out there right now are having a really hard time that the company will soon be bankrupt. Yes, I said BANKRUPT. A company with nearly $200 BILLION dollars in revenue last year will soon be out of money completely, according to the folks on the internet. Go ahead and check out the comments if you don't believe me.

The fact still remains that while GE's financial arm did see a considerably smaller profit than it did in previous quarters, it still managed to make a profit of $1 billion dollars. Again, chump change, I know.

I guess the point I was trying to get at throughout this entire post is that spreading of fear is one of the biggest reasons many big ticket stocks are in the crapper. I am a strong believer that if the article headlines were spun in a more positive light, there might not be as much panic as there is right now. I am not saying it is not time to panic. I understand that the market is very complex and everyone has a reason for doing everything. It just seems to me that people are more inclined to tell you the sky is falling in order to get you to drive down a stock price in order for them to pick up bargains.

I know I am no economist and you should take everything I say with a grain of sand. But it just seems that people are paying more attention to headlines and crap that gets said on internet forums instead of actually looking at what is being reported.

The "more" rule

2009-01-22T08:45:00.000-08:00

We have all been there before. Whether it be at Subway, Quiznos, Chipolte, or any other fast food place that has stations. There comes a point during the transaction where you feel you have been screwed by the size of the portion given at one of the particular stations and wish to ask for more of it. And as well all know, you generally only get one "more" per transaction without the maker of the food saying "well that's going to cost extra then."

So there is a huge decision one has to make every time he or she steps into one of these restaurants. Using your "more" option too soon, on say the rice, might result in you being unable to ask for more chicken when she inevitably shorts you on that. I suppose it is all a matter of priorities. But you have to realize that you forfeit your right to more of a station once that station has been passed. In a way it is like a complicated form of deal or no deal that you play every single time you make an order.

I guess my point is that you should never ask for more of an inferior topping, like rice. I was burned by this last night and therefore was shorted on chicken. You need to know what the most important topping for yourself is before getting in line. As an American, it is your right and duty to ALWAYS you use your "more" option at least once per transaction. I sure as hell know I do.

Still LOST

2009-01-21T10:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight is the Season 5 premiere of the television show LOST. I understand that for some people, it is a bit hard to get excited about a show that basically requires you to hang on every single word spoken in every episode. But for those of us that have, this season and next season will (in theory) answer all of the questions that have been building over the last 4 years. If you are a die hard fan, there is no way you can't be excited about that!

Of course there are the over arching huge questions like what the island really is and wtf is going on with the smoke monster. But there are also some questions some of you may have forgotten over the 4 years of constant additions of more and more mystery with few real answers ever revealed.

Some of the more important things I especially want answered are the whispers, what Richard Malkin saw in Claire's future that prompted him to tell her to fly to Los Angeles, the 4 toed statue, and who the others really are. Based of some of the spoilers I have read, (ya, I read spoilers, so sue me) some of these questions will be answered this season it appears.

In all, I anticipate this to be one of the better seasons of LOST. Getting back to the earth shattering kind of revelations like who was in the hatch at the beginning of season 2. I am fully prepared to be blown off my ass tonight. And if you haven't seen all 4 previous season, ABC is going to be kind enough to give you suckers a cop out "get you up to speed" episode at 7pm CST tonight before the 2 hour season premiere begins. While it won't tell you everything about the show, it will most likely enable you to watch this season without too many "wtf just happened" moments. However, keep in mind that those moments are probably the most integral part of the show...

Hope you all enjoy tonight's premiere!

From the President to the President

2009-01-20T13:01:00.000-08:00

I am not sure why I never picked up on the fact the the outgoing President customarily leaves a note in the oval office desk for the incoming President. Surely this has been publicized before. Perhaps I had never realized the comedic gold that could come from such a note. The following is what I imagine the note might entail from now former President Bush:

Dearest Obama,

Welcome to the White House! By now you have realized that the drawer this note was residing in tends to stick a little. Me and Laura left a half empty box of Pizza Hut in the fridge, you are welcome to it. I have left a bit of our luggage in the Blue Room since Continental would only let us check 2 bags for free. We will pick those up later if we decide to vacation in D.C.

A couple things to keep in mind as you venture around the place. First, watch out for Pierre the groundskeeper. I am 99% sure he stole my good shovel. Secondly, the Green Room appears to be haunted by the ghost of Chester A. Arthur. He is good for a nice chat every once in a while. Feel free to play with any and all nerf toys I have strewn about the house that I have forgot to pack. They are yours now my friend.

Please also be advised that you may want to ask the Secret Service to reinstall solitaire on the Presidential computer. I had to have it removed for I found it too distracting. Also keep in mind that many of the doors in the oval office look like walls, but fear not, you will be able to get out.

And now, I must leave for I was supposed to be on stage with you at your inauguration nearly 15 minutes ago. Good luck with this tough job. And don't forget to set the alarm on Air Force One when you park it in a bad country.

Regards,

President Bush

P.S. By the time you read this, I will be known as Former President Bush, so keep that in mind when reading my signature above.

Dropping some science

2009-01-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, I went hiking at Brazos Bend State Park and walked a whopping 7 miles! That alone is worthy of a single blog post. But as an added bonus, I will explain some rather interesting science that I dropped on my friends while on our trip.

Now, everyone knows that the sun is hot. We also know that standing in the sun (or even under a completely shaded area, apparently) will generally result in a nasty sunburn. What you may not know, is that this phenomenon will only occur in the summer time. That's right, you cannot get a sun burn in the winter. I will now attempt to demonstrate visually why this is true. Please examine exhibit A: (note: images not to scale or any other kind of geographical reality.)

Notice how during the summer months, the axis of the earth is such that the norther hemisphere receives a direct hit from the light of the sun. Keep in mind that while it is summer in the northern hemisphere it is winder in the southern. As you can plainly see, the rays of light from the sun only barely glance over the southern hemisphere and the people living there will therefore not get sun burned. I welcome any scientist to come along and challenge my theory.

The mythbusters are also welcome to attempt to prove me wrong. I have all the evidence in my favor! Even after nearly 3 hours of walking (and assurances by a few of my friends that I would indeed be sunburned) I woke up this morning to a non-sunburned face. As the folks over at xkcd say: "Science: it works, bitches!".

"I seriously doubt that, Sir, but this is America and I would die for your right to make outrageous claims." - Bill McNeal

Email signatures

2009-01-15T07:59:00.000-08:00

Ok people, seriously. It is time to put a stop to ridiculously long email signatures. I realize that you are a precious little snowflake who rests on the rainbow farts that unicorns make but SERIOUSLY! Your signature is not a resume and therefore does not need every intricate detail about your job title nor several addresses and phones numbers you can be reached at. Also, nobody cares about your company logo or several disclaimers about what to do if you have received his or her email in error.

Here is an appropriate email which includes a signature:

-------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Mike,

Yes, no problem. I can be there at that time and we can negotiate terms of the ransom for the release of your daughter.

Regards,

Armed Gunman

Armed Gunman | Hostage Taker
a_gunman@somefakeemail.com
(123) 456-7890
-------------------------------------------------------------

As you can see, the person sending the email has a simple, yet eloquent signature that explains who he is, what he does, and how to reach him. You know this guy means business. Note how no address was given nor any kind of discernible company logo. If the person who he sent this email to gave a damn about the logo of the Armed Gunman's company or street address, he could simply email or call him for said information.

Here is an email that contains an inappropriate signature:

-------------------------------------------------------------

Yo Jana,

You were looking mighty fine today at the office cotillion, wanna dance?

Regards,

Tom

Tom F. Clown | Mail Room Clerk
f_clowns@mailroomguys.com
114456 West Main Street
Faketon, WI
Suite 8800
Room 6
Behind the desk
If you hit the Burger King you've gone too far.
[100x100 logo of company I work for]
[Cell Number]
[Work Number] ext 999.
[Home Number]
[Emergency Contact Information]
[License Plate Number]
[Make and Model of car]

This email is privileged and confidential. If you have received this email in error, please discard is immediately and then use bleach on your brain. Failure to do so will place you in violation of FCC statute 100.6.a.7 in accordance with federal sentencing guidelines of no less than 3 but not to exceed 6 years of me, Tom F. Clown, harassing you. You have been warned.

-------------------------------------------------------------

As you can see, Tom will most likely not be getting a response from Jana. The actual content of his email was less than 10% of the entire email message. Tom will subsequently die alone.

I understand that if you are not in the business world you might think I am exaggerating a bit. Sadly, I am not. So please, in the name of all that is good and sane, keep your email signatures short and reasonable. I'm not saying get rid of them, just don't make me read the same novel over and over again when you respond with "Ok, sounds good to me." in your email. Thanks.

A different idea

2009-01-09T13:43:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a co-worker today and he informed me that we should stop stocking the refrigerator at work with bottled water because it is destroying the planet. I asked him why and he responded by saying that since we don't recycle the bottles, they end up in landfills where they will remain forever.

Now don't get me wrong, I am pro-planet. Hell, I live here so I kind of have to be. And I'm not even against recycling! If the opportunity presents itself, I gladly toss all my recyclable stuff into the bin. Nay, the problem I had with his point is that landfills aren't as bad as people make them out to be!

First of all, once a landfill is full, cool stuff such as parks and other recreational stuff get built on top of them. In a way, we are giving back to nature! Secondly, I strongly oppose the idea that an item remaining in once place for the rest of time is a bad idea. I mean, hello people! Where do you think that plastic in my bottle came from anyway? I'll take things that come from the earth for $100 Alex. In a way, we are just returning it from whence it came. Putting it back in its home, if you will.

If you can believe it, there is even a third added benefit to having landfills! Those of us lucky enough to survive the zombie apocalypse after the LHC is turned on will have a veritable treasure trove of goodies to sustain us. And really, who doesn't want to rummage through garbage when they are the last person on earth?

My Sitcom

2009-01-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, I recently decided to attempt to write a popular sitcom. I figured it was easy since most of the dribble that's on tv today has to have been written by a kangaroo with a mental disorder. I also figured that it would surely be a way to riches in a hurry, or a "get rich quick scheme" as the kids call it these days. And don't call me Shirley.

I seem to have hit a bit of a problem in my quest for television glory. You see, first and foremost, I am not a writer. You probably assumed that quite a while ago if you have read any part of this blog. The hard part I am having seems to be what my show will be about. I am certain I will be able to write episode after episode once I have the idea but I just don't know where to start.

I have had a few ideas so far, but they are all terrible. Stupid ones such as a mix between 24 and LOST or a mix of How I Met Your Mother and LOST. So I need a better idea and it probably should not be a mix of anything with LOST. Or maybe it should? Who knows.

You can rest assured that once I get this thing done it will be hugely popular. I mean, how could it not be? They could turn this blog alone into a show and it would be better than 94.2% of what's currently on. Anyway, if you have a particularly good idea, let me know and I'll cut you in somehow. Like I'll give you a thank you card with a $20 Chillis gift card or something. In fact, it could be any gift card you want, that's how grateful of a person I am.

Boobies! of 2009

2009-01-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2009! I apologize for the esoteric headline. Oh look, I just rhymed. Anyway, 2009 is here and we are all looking for the same rainbows and unicorns we look for every new year. I can't believe I just rhymed again. Lets try this again...

Everyone always seems to make some sort of goal to accomplish when a near year comes around. Invariably these goals are set way too high and, in the end, forgotten about by February. In that spirit, I have decided to come up with a few goals for myself:

1. Make a billion dollars.
2. Go to Australia and box a kangaroo. (Go big or go home, right?)
3. Write a successful sitcom.
4. Use the word esoteric excessively.
5. I forgot what 5 was.
6. Remember what 5 was.
7. Use commas correctly.

As you can see, I have a pretty ambitious list of things to do this year, especially number 6. If I am able to knock even a couple of these off I will consider 2009 a success. Having 7 goals is a pretty good way to ensure that you do at least a couple of them.

So good luck on your goals for 2009. If you have any others you think I should add to my list, please direct them to the wall on your left.

Final Post of the Year

2008-12-31T10:27:00.000-08:00

(ya I can't draw fireworks, you'll get over it.)

That's right, today is New Years Eve 2008. Urban Dictionary defines the event thusly: "The one night of the year when getting drunk and making a fool of yourself is not optional, but in fact mandatory." So with that in mind it's time to bust out the lamp shades and drink champagne to your hearts content and at the end of the night sing a song that hardly anyone knows the lyrics to. Something like old lang sign or something. You know what I am talking about.

I personally am going to an 80's themed party at the place where we play trivia. At 30 bucks for all you can drink you can rest assured I am going to get my monies worth. I'm sure the event will be full of girls wearing pony tails on the side of their head and guys with hairdos that even Vanilla Ice would be proud of.

And with that, we bid you, 2008, adieu. We hardly knew ye. I'm not sure why I'm typing like a french pirate, but it might have something to do with the fact that a bee just flew into my apartment and nearly killed me. See you folks next year! Be safe tonight and if you end up going to jail, don't call me.

2008: A Year in Review

2008-12-29T07:36:00.000-08:00

Wow, another year gone by. 2008 was a year of soaring profits and significant one time losses. So much has happened and I will attempt to document and summarize it in a comprehensive and thorough manner. If you are asking "why the manatee picture?", I must advise you that asking of questions carries with it a fee of eleventy billion dollars.

Now, onto the film.

2008 was a year in which I traveled more than ever before. After doing some complicated math, I found that I had traveled some 13,500 miles this year which is just over half way around the world. Each place I visited was a unique experience and I nearly died on one occasion. Good times.

The majority of those miles were accumulated on the trip I took to England in September. Having never been off the continent prior to the trip, this was sort of a big deal. I also took two trips down to New Orleans. We had to evacuate from the first trip due to Hurricane Gustav and I got hit by a drunk driver on the second trip. One day I hope to have a less eventful and more normal trip down there. And lastly I went to Las Vegas and had a helluva time, you can read more about that trip here.

Aside from traveling, I was busy surviving two hurricanes. Luckily I was able to evade Gustav while in New Orleans. Hurricane Ike hit very hard and there were significant casualties in my refrigerator. Frozen hamburger patties and other assorted frozen dinners: You will never be forgotten.

I found out a few new things about myself in 2008. Mainly the fact that I am pretty good at trivia. I also discovered that I am generally unsportsmanlike when it comes to other teams who are better than ours who we naturally assume are cheating. The goal of finishing first has not yet happened, possibly due to alcohol consumption. $2.50 you-call-its + trivia != success.

Meeting new people is always great and in 2008 I did plenty of that. Going to Vegas with Andrew, Jonathan and Christine was especially memorable. Watching Rachel get wasted after 2 beers is also fun. I also, unfortunately, drifted away from one of my closest friends this year which is never something you want to happen, but that's life.

I purchased an Xbox 360 this year which I never actually intended to do. Lets just say there was a Sunday after GTA:IV came out and I was bored and impulse bought it. It has been reasonably entertaining, although I'm still waiting for a patch to come out for Fable II so I can, you know, finish the game.

I met a person this year who actually bought a ShamWOW. Not surprisingly, she was a waitress at a bar. Apparently, the thing really is a piece of crap. I also spent 0 dollars this year on paper towels. You get that camera guy?

Perhaps most importantly, this year I started this blog. Not only am I making monies by putting up ads on this thing, I also enjoy updating it. I hope you have enjoyed reading my blog, hopefully you have found it to be an enormous source of information and humor. If not, well, I probably hate your blog as well.

And so this blog flames onwards. My 2009 blog: Limitless potential, boundless horizons, the unstoppable juggernaut of the internet universe.

"When I was frozen giant carrots ruled the Earth. But now they don't. It takes some getting used to."

I haz a Robot

2008-12-26T15:29:00.000-08:00

I got an iRobot Roomba 400 for Christmas this year. The idea is that I would use this device to actually clean my apartment for me since I usually have such a hard time doing so due to pure laziness. So I was super excited to test thing thing out.

After charging the thing for a couple hours while I watched the Law and Order marathon on TNT, I took the roomba over to my place to see what it was capable of. I pressed the button to make it start and, low and behold, the thing started cleaning my floor. I was able to sit back and drink a beer while thing thing took care of the place for me. It ran for nearly 45 minutes before I got tired of its noise and turned it off. I was pleasantly surprised that it had picked up as much debris as it had, especially since I had vacuumed for real only about a month ago.

My only real complaints about it is the noise it makes, which can get a bit annoying. I would also recommend to someone getting one of these things to pick up all loose wires from the floor as it can get stuck on them.

All in all, I am very impressed. The roomba must have covered every inch of my apartment 3 or 4 times before he got tired. Apparently there is even a way to modify the software, if you are so inclined, to make it do more specific cleaning.

I will be storing my rooma with the battery out, however. I don't want it strangling me in the middle of the night while I sleep while it then proceeds to assume my identity. If you have seen Terminator, you know what I am talking about. The rise of the roombas will not occur on my watch.

Happy Festivus

2008-12-23T08:08:00.001-08:00

Happy Festivus everyone! Today is the day where each person tells everyone else all the ways they have disappointed him or her over the past year. There are also feats of strength and a pole involved.

I am really only posting about this holiday to enable it to continue to upset the people who cant ever get a joke and for the most part hate all forms of humor. So please, get out there and spread the word and let the world know how it has let you down this year. And if anyone gives you any lip about how it's just "some stupid Seinfeld thing", be sure to give them a good punch right in the baby maker!

Please air all grievances in the comments section below.

Another disappointing season

2008-12-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday ended the possibility of the Texans ending the season with a winning record. Their loss to the Oakland Raiders, of all teams, also ended the 4 game winning streak that was the only bright point on this miserable season. And while a win next week against the Bears would once again give them an 8-8 season, serious decisions need to be made in the offseason if they want to be a playoff contender next year.

I think one of the main things that needs to be changed next year is the "stick to the game plan at all costs" mentality. It was more than obvious yesterday that nearly every play was going to be a running play. Even when it was apparent that this strategy would not work with Steve Slaton being stuffed play after play, they continued to not call any passing plays. I don't care how covered Andre Johnson is, you give the ball to your play makers.

The quarterback situation will also need to be addressed. I'm not sure how comfortable I am having Schaub as a starter anymore. I am even less impressed with Rosenfelds now that he has turned into an interception machine after his helicopter antics in the Indianapolis game. I haven't really looked to see who would be out there for us to pick up but I do know that the Rosenfelds + Schaub option simply isn't living up to how it was billed to us.

I suppose the greatest surprise this season was the effectiveness of Steve Slaton. Having been without a real every-down running back for the past few years, Slation has really filled a large void in the team. Hopefully the Texans lock him up to some sort of long term deal.

Oh well, so much for my prediction of a 10-6 year with possible playoff implications. The chances were there this season to achieve that goal but were squandered the way bad teams squander good chances. The fact remains that the Texans are still a mediocre football team. The loss yesterday cemented that reality. Heres hoping the team can build on the few successes they had this year and come out and actually contend next year. If freaking Miami can do it, so can we.

How to save the auto industry

2008-12-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

I have a simple, yet eloquent, way of saving the auto industry. For years, the big 3 have given select models of their vehicles special names which they hope will cater to a particular crowd. A couple examples are the Ford Explore Eddie Bauer edition and the Nissan Texas Titan. You see, car manufactures believe we the public are so inept that we will make drastically important decisions that impact our financial well being solely on the premise on how cool a name sounds. This business model has worked well for several years.

The problem today is that people simply no longer swoon for a car with just any old name on it. I mean, come on, who is Eddie Bauer anyway? No body has any clue and therefore will be less likely to make an impulse buy of said vehicle. No, what the auto makers need to do is understand what is really hip these days. I am, of course, talking about Hannah Montana.

Imagine this scenario:

Family of four walks into an auto dealer ship. The salesman immediately recognizes this opportunity to push an overly expensive luxury sedan on the family which we will call the Ford Thunder Cougar Falcon Bird - Hannah Montana Edition. The father wants something a bit more economical like the Nissan Snoozemobile 19. Now the dad knows what he wants to get, and besides the Ford Thunder Cougar Falcon Bird is way out of his price range and gets horrible gas mileage. But what do you think his two daughters are going to have to say on the matter? Correct! They are going to scream and plea and bitch and moan until the dad simply cannot take it anymore and decides his life will be much happier without the constant reminder of how he ruined Christmas and so he will purchase the Ford Thunder Cougar Falcon Bird with the Hannah Montana upgrade package.

I realize that my hypotheses requires more scientific data. But you have to admit, I'm on to something here.

This blog brought to you by Hannah Montana.

Lucky to be Alive

2008-12-16T10:01:00.001-08:00

As you can see above, I had quite a unique Friday. We were on our way to New Orleans when we decided to make a stop in Orange, TX at a gas station to get some snacks for the remainder of the trip. We then proceeded to get back on the road. While waiting at the stop light, a Ford F150 being driven by a drunken idiot, slammed into us at nearly 60 mph.

I was knocked unconscious and do not remember the actual impact. I had been sitting in the passenger side back seat just seconds prior to impact when my friend who was driving asked me to get his stick of beef out of the bag that was behind him. Had I not been leaning over the driver side of the car I most probably who not be making this post at this time.

Aside from a knee and head injury, I was, for the most part, ok. In fact, all of us in the car escaped with relatively few injuries considering the carnage of the wreck. We are truly very lucky. I want to thank all of my friends and family who have been so great. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I was truly lucky to have walked away from that in as good of shape as I did. Special thanks to Christine who drove up and picked us up from the hospital and refused to let the crash ruin our trip to New Orleans. And also special thanks to Andrew for asking me to grab his beef stick for him.

This was the drunk drivers SECOND dwi. Hopefully he goes to jail for a long time.

Off Night

2008-12-10T10:08:00.000-08:00

So if you know me at all, you know that I generally play trivia on Tuesdays with a few chaps of mine. Now don't get me wrong, we are never generally the strongest team (mainly because we don't cheat). We usually finish around the middle of the pack and we have even placed second before. But last night we hit a new low. The bottom of the barrel kind of low. The kind of defeat that only the strongest can survive. I attribute this failure to many unique circumstances.

1. New waitress: The place last night was packed more than usual. Due to this, our normal waitress, Stephanie, had to work one side of the bar while this other chick worked our side. Now Stephanie knows us all quite well, ie. our names, what we like to drink, and the fact that we won't walk out on a tab which means we never have to put down plastic up front. I like to refer to this phenomenon as "walking around the metal detectors." So when we were asked what names to put tabs under and got "confused cat" looks when we ordered some of our drinks, it definitely put us off our game.

2. Pregamming: You should never, ever pregame before an event that requires you to think clearly. While it is fun to kill a few beers with friends before an event, trivia night might just be an exception. Or not. Who knows?

3. Missing team members: While I am generally the brains of the operation, there are some categories which I simply have no clue about. This is where the other people on the team usually step up and deliver. Two of of the people who play trivia with us decided to go to the Rockets game last night. This caused friction as large role gaps were present throughout the night.

These three unique events joined forces ala Captain Planet style to form a perfect storm which delivered what was our worst trivia performance ever. Well, that and an entire Meryll Streep category. I mean, come on, Meryll Streep herself couldn't have even gotten some of the questions correct.

Country Roads

2008-12-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

Went on a mini-road trip to Austin this past weekend. I more or less took the scenic route since I was in no hurry to get where I was going. Getting out on the road again reminded me of how much I love driving. To think that I have driven some 130,000 miles in my life and yet have barely scratched the surface of the 5.7 million miles of paved roads that the United States has.

I think the main reason I enjoy road trips is seeing the diversity of landscape. Living in a huge urban environment, like Houston, you can often forget that there is so much else to see out there. On my trip to Los Angeles, I drove through dense cities, deserts, mountain forests, abandoned towns and miles and miles without even seeing another car. Singing my own renditions of Country Roads and On The Road again are also always a hit. For my money, there is simply no better way to see the country.

One of these days I hope to drive to Alaska and back. The epic trip of nearly 9,000 miles round trip would surely be the trip of all trips. I hope to find someone, someday who is crazy enough to attempt this journey with me. I'll bring tons of snacks if you're interested! A Bear Survival Kit will also be provided!

* Programming note: Be on the lookout for a "2008: A Year In Review", coming to a blog post near you in early 2009.

A/S/L?

2008-12-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not trying to cyb0r with you. Today is "Cyber Monday", a term the media has coined as the day that people do tons of holiday related shopping online a la black friday style. I have a few issues with this whole idea mainly due to the fact the advertisers have shoved yet another meaningless word into my already robust vocabulary.

I just feel that there are enough BUY MORE SHIT RIGHT NOW days. We, as Americans, do not need to be told to get out and shop. We are going to do it, we promise! There is no need to create another day specifically to remind people to get out and buy more crap they don't really need. I mean, what am I going to do with another $24 egg beater or a new dinette set?

I sort of lost my train of thought. I got side tracked while wikipediaing the origins of this "holiday." I started at Black Friday and finished up at the war of 1812 before realizing that I was supposed to be blogging. My point was this, it's a dumb name for a stupid day.

T-Day 2008

2008-11-26T09:22:00.000-08:00

Seeing as tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I figured I should write up a little how I celebrate the day. We all know Thanksgiving is the day that Christopher Columbus was thanked by the native Americans for the skanky European women be brought over on his voyage to the new world. The feast they prepared for him and his men was second to none, which was why he told George Washington to make it a national holiday.

But enough with the history, there are a few ways I celebrate thanksgiving that make it unique. First, we always fry the turkey. If you have never had fried turkey then, quite frankly, you are not American. You have to be careful when using this cooking method as it can lead to serious injuries. Here are just a few tips to remember:

- Always wear closed toe shoes. Failure to do this can, and will, lead to serious burns on your toesies. I have experienced this first hand and let me tell you a happy Thanksgiving does it not make.

- Try to avoid sticking your head in the boiling oil whilst frying. This can be very tempting due to the insanely delicious aroma it emits. I have illustrated the consequences of this action below:

As you can see, there is clearly some inherent danger involved when frying a turkey. However, the risk is well worth the reward. Add some mashed potatoes, green been casserole with bacon with some stuffing and red wine and baby you got yourself a Thanksgiving going. So try to stay safe out there tomorrow. Be sure to get super fatty! And have a happy Thanksgiving!

Options

2008-11-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

Today is Pay Day. The happy time of the month where dollars are deposited into my account and I am free to waste them on whatever I see fit. It is at this point I must decide what to spend my monies on after paying rent, bills, etc. There are usually 3 options: booze, stock market and fancy food.

Now under the category of booze, i usually include entertainment as well since I am generally boozing whilst being entertained. I find that bar food is generally 95% fried and therefore unhealthy. The chicken basket seems to be a common theme amongst many bars, most likely due to it's ease of procurement and delicious presentation on top of french fries. I sort of went off on a tangent, didn't I....? Oh well.

Spending money in the stock market can be extremely exhilarating and suicidally frustrating at the same time. This median is what most people call "normal life" and it is encouraged. I do not recommend dumping money into individual stocks unless you can stay mentally in the swing of things when it hits the fan, much like it is now. I guess the point of this section is to tell you to stay away from stocks...because they will turn you into me. And nobody wants that.

Now the real bread and butter of where I like to spend my monies is on food. Fine food especially. I recently went on a lobster binge. Broiling and grilling and baking it. Add some broccoli with some potato salad? Man you got yourself a stew going. But I digress. I am always into trying new foods. When I was in London I had a mussel and squid pasta. Super tasty!

I really have no idea what I was trying to get at today with this post. But I'm sure if you look hard enough, you will find a deep message hidden in there. And if you figure out what that message is, please let me know. I am way too lazy to figure it out myself.

Fable 2: A Review

2008-11-13T08:29:00.001-08:00

At the behest of my brother, I decided to pick up a copy of Fable 2 this past weekend. Having really heard nothing about it before and my brother's usual taste in games, I was skeptical of finding anything of value in this thing. Boy was I wrong. So here is my halfway through the game review.

Gameplay:
I was a bit surprised by the ease of playability of this game right out of the box. Unlike games such as Mass Effect, it assumed you had no idea how any of the controls worked and had a guiding voice to help you along the way in the early parts of the game. The use of lock-on aiming as well as free aim shooting removes unneeded frustration from those of us who are used to the point and click FPS games on the PC, one thing Mass Effect significantly lacked. I found the controls to be easily understandable within minutes. I realize this section may have turned into a Mass Effect bashing, but to be fair I was really disappointed in that game which seemed to be hyped up a lot more than Fable II.

Graphics:
Simply amazing. If you have the means to play this game in 1080p you will not be disappointed. This is virtually no static background scenery at all. The dynamic world constantly changes around you. Almost all buildings are able to be entered either peacefully or otherwise. I am really not sure how else I can put how awesome the graphics are for this game.

Story:
The story line is relatively simple, in a good way. Basically if you enjoyed how Zelda: Ocarina of Time unfolded for the Nintendo 64, you will enjoy this game. There are many side quests for you to go on along the way. And, from what I'm told, the game doesn't end when the story line does enabling you to continue to explore the world.

Other:
This game is unique (for me at least) in the sense that every action you take has either a positive or negative effect on not only you, but the people you interact with. Kill a store owner and you will become more evil and the town will suffer. Bring a bunch of warrants for criminals back to the sheriff and you will get a discount at local stores while the city prospers. Another thing to keep in mind is that this game is rated M for mature, and for good reason. It allows you to not only marry someone, it allows you to marry ANYONE, if you get my drift. Multiple partners of both genders. You can also have either protected or unprotected intercourse with them. With that in mind, this is definitely a game that should be played by adults only.

Although I have not yet completed the game, I can safely say it is one of the better titles for the Xbox 360, again, unlike Mass Effect. A must have for a person who enjoys the RPG model of gaming will surely not be disappointed.

Giant Universe

2008-11-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

You probably already know that the universe is a big place. Simply look up at night you are are able to see hundreds of thousands of stars gracing the sky. It is also easy to forget that most of the specs of light visible to us here on earth with the naked eye are stars from our own galaxy which is one of several galaxies that inhabit our tiny region of space.

The picture above was taken from the Chanda X-Ray Observatory. The image is a picture of the universe as it existed when it was just 2 billion years old, or nearly 11 billions years ago. This is one of the deepest, and therefore oldest, images of the universe ever imaged.

Lets now try to put this image in some sort of perspective. The stars you see at night are mostly part of our galaxy, the Milky Way. The Milky Way consists of some 200 billion stars and is roughly 100,000 light years in diameter. Our nearest, large galaxy is the Andromeda Galaxy which is about 2.5 million light years away from ours. It contains about 1 trillion stars and is also about 100,000 light years in diameter. Ok so now look at the picture above again and realize that each spec of light you see is an entire galaxy, the light of which has traveled 11 billion years to reach us.

If that doesn't blow you off your ass I'm not sure what will. For more information about this image, click here. Click the image for the super large version.

Sorry for the nerdy post. I will be back to shenanigans in the future.