Still LOST

Tonight is the Season 5 premiere of the television show LOST. I understand that for some people, it is a bit hard to get excited about a show that basically requires you to hang on every single word spoken in every episode. But for those of us that have, this season and next season will (in theory) answer all of the questions that have been building over the last 4 years. If you are a die hard fan, there is no way you can't be excited about that!

Of course there are the over arching huge questions like what the island really is and wtf is going on with the smoke monster. But there are also some questions some of you may have forgotten over the 4 years of constant additions of more and more mystery with few real answers ever revealed.

Some of the more important things I especially want answered are the whispers, what Richard Malkin saw in Claire's future that prompted him to tell her to fly to Los Angeles, the 4 toed statue, and who the others really are. Based of some of the spoilers I have read, (ya, I read spoilers, so sue me) some of these questions will be answered this season it appears.

In all, I anticipate this to be one of the better seasons of LOST. Getting back to the earth shattering kind of revelations like who was in the hatch at the beginning of season 2. I am fully prepared to be blown off my ass tonight. And if you haven't seen all 4 previous season, ABC is going to be kind enough to give you suckers a cop out "get you up to speed" episode at 7pm CST tonight before the 2 hour season premiere begins. While it won't tell you everything about the show, it will most likely enable you to watch this season without too many "wtf just happened" moments. However, keep in mind that those moments are probably the most integral part of the show...

Hope you all enjoy tonight's premiere!

From the President to the President

I am not sure why I never picked up on the fact the the outgoing President customarily leaves a note in the oval office desk for the incoming President. Surely this has been publicized before. Perhaps I had never realized the comedic gold that could come from such a note. The following is what I imagine the note might entail from now former President Bush:

Dearest Obama,

Welcome to the White House! By now you have realized that the drawer this note was residing in tends to stick a little. Me and Laura left a half empty box of Pizza Hut in the fridge, you are welcome to it. I have left a bit of our luggage in the Blue Room since Continental would only let us check 2 bags for free. We will pick those up later if we decide to vacation in D.C.

A couple things to keep in mind as you venture around the place. First, watch out for Pierre the groundskeeper. I am 99% sure he stole my good shovel. Secondly, the Green Room appears to be haunted by the ghost of Chester A. Arthur. He is good for a nice chat every once in a while. Feel free to play with any and all nerf toys I have strewn about the house that I have forgot to pack. They are yours now my friend.

Please also be advised that you may want to ask the Secret Service to reinstall solitaire on the Presidential computer. I had to have it removed for I found it too distracting. Also keep in mind that many of the doors in the oval office look like walls, but fear not, you will be able to get out.

And now, I must leave for I was supposed to be on stage with you at your inauguration nearly 15 minutes ago. Good luck with this tough job. And don't forget to set the alarm on Air Force One when you park it in a bad country.

Regards,

President Bush

P.S. By the time you read this, I will be known as Former President Bush, so keep that in mind when reading my signature above.

Dropping some science

So yesterday, I went hiking at Brazos Bend State Park and walked a whopping 7 miles! That alone is worthy of a single blog post. But as an added bonus, I will explain some rather interesting science that I dropped on my friends while on our trip.

Now, everyone knows that the sun is hot. We also know that standing in the sun (or even under a completely shaded area, apparently) will generally result in a nasty sunburn. What you may not know, is that this phenomenon will only occur in the summer time. That's right, you cannot get a sun burn in the winter. I will now attempt to demonstrate visually why this is true. Please examine exhibit A: (note: images not to scale or any other kind of geographical reality.)



Notice how during the summer months, the axis of the earth is such that the norther hemisphere receives a direct hit from the light of the sun. Keep in mind that while it is summer in the northern hemisphere it is winder in the southern. As you can plainly see, the rays of light from the sun only barely glance over the southern hemisphere and the people living there will therefore not get sun burned. I welcome any scientist to come along and challenge my theory.

The mythbusters are also welcome to attempt to prove me wrong. I have all the evidence in my favor! Even after nearly 3 hours of walking (and assurances by a few of my friends that I would indeed be sunburned) I woke up this morning to a non-sunburned face. As the folks over at xkcd say: "Science: it works, bitches!".

"I seriously doubt that, Sir, but this is America and I would die for your right to make outrageous claims." - Bill McNeal

Email signatures

Ok people, seriously. It is time to put a stop to ridiculously long email signatures. I realize that you are a precious little snowflake who rests on the rainbow farts that unicorns make but SERIOUSLY! Your signature is not a resume and therefore does not need every intricate detail about your job title nor several addresses and phones numbers you can be reached at. Also, nobody cares about your company logo or several disclaimers about what to do if you have received his or her email in error.

Here is an appropriate email which includes a signature:

-------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Mike,

Yes, no problem. I can be there at that time and we can negotiate terms of the ransom for the release of your daughter.

Regards,

Armed Gunman


Armed Gunman | Hostage Taker
a_gunman@somefakeemail.com
(123) 456-7890
-------------------------------------------------------------

As you can see, the person sending the email has a simple, yet eloquent signature that explains who he is, what he does, and how to reach him. You know this guy means business. Note how no address was given nor any kind of discernible company logo. If the person who he sent this email to gave a damn about the logo of the Armed Gunman's company or street address, he could simply email or call him for said information.

Here is an email that contains an inappropriate signature:

-------------------------------------------------------------

Yo Jana,

You were looking mighty fine today at the office cotillion, wanna dance?

Regards,

Tom

Tom F. Clown | Mail Room Clerk
f_clowns@mailroomguys.com
114456 West Main Street
Faketon, WI
Suite 8800
Room 6
Behind the desk
If you hit the Burger King you've gone too far.
[100x100 logo of company I work for]
[Cell Number]
[Work Number] ext 999.
[Home Number]
[Emergency Contact Information]
[License Plate Number]
[Make and Model of car]

This email is privileged and confidential. If you have received this email in error, please discard is immediately and then use bleach on your brain. Failure to do so will place you in violation of FCC statute 100.6.a.7 in accordance with federal sentencing guidelines of no less than 3 but not to exceed 6 years of me, Tom F. Clown, harassing you. You have been warned.

-------------------------------------------------------------

As you can see, Tom will most likely not be getting a response from Jana. The actual content of his email was less than 10% of the entire email message. Tom will subsequently die alone.

I understand that if you are not in the business world you might think I am exaggerating a bit. Sadly, I am not. So please, in the name of all that is good and sane, keep your email signatures short and reasonable. I'm not saying get rid of them, just don't make me read the same novel over and over again when you respond with "Ok, sounds good to me." in your email. Thanks.

A different idea

I was talking with a co-worker today and he informed me that we should stop stocking the refrigerator at work with bottled water because it is destroying the planet. I asked him why and he responded by saying that since we don't recycle the bottles, they end up in landfills where they will remain forever.

Now don't get me wrong, I am pro-planet. Hell, I live here so I kind of have to be. And I'm not even against recycling! If the opportunity presents itself, I gladly toss all my recyclable stuff into the bin. Nay, the problem I had with his point is that landfills aren't as bad as people make them out to be!

First of all, once a landfill is full, cool stuff such as parks and other recreational stuff get built on top of them. In a way, we are giving back to nature! Secondly, I strongly oppose the idea that an item remaining in once place for the rest of time is a bad idea. I mean, hello people! Where do you think that plastic in my bottle came from anyway? I'll take things that come from the earth for $100 Alex. In a way, we are just returning it from whence it came. Putting it back in its home, if you will.

If you can believe it, there is even a third added benefit to having landfills! Those of us lucky enough to survive the zombie apocalypse after the LHC is turned on will have a veritable treasure trove of goodies to sustain us. And really, who doesn't want to rummage through garbage when they are the last person on earth?

My Sitcom

As some of you may know, I recently decided to attempt to write a popular sitcom. I figured it was easy since most of the dribble that's on tv today has to have been written by a kangaroo with a mental disorder. I also figured that it would surely be a way to riches in a hurry, or a "get rich quick scheme" as the kids call it these days. And don't call me Shirley.

I seem to have hit a bit of a problem in my quest for television glory. You see, first and foremost, I am not a writer. You probably assumed that quite a while ago if you have read any part of this blog. The hard part I am having seems to be what my show will be about. I am certain I will be able to write episode after episode once I have the idea but I just don't know where to start.

I have had a few ideas so far, but they are all terrible. Stupid ones such as a mix between 24 and LOST or a mix of How I Met Your Mother and LOST. So I need a better idea and it probably should not be a mix of anything with LOST. Or maybe it should? Who knows.

You can rest assured that once I get this thing done it will be hugely popular. I mean, how could it not be? They could turn this blog alone into a show and it would be better than 94.2% of what's currently on. Anyway, if you have a particularly good idea, let me know and I'll cut you in somehow. Like I'll give you a thank you card with a $20 Chillis gift card or something. In fact, it could be any gift card you want, that's how grateful of a person I am.

Boobies! of 2009

Welcome to 2009! I apologize for the esoteric headline. Oh look, I just rhymed. Anyway, 2009 is here and we are all looking for the same rainbows and unicorns we look for every new year. I can't believe I just rhymed again. Lets try this again...

Everyone always seems to make some sort of goal to accomplish when a near year comes around. Invariably these goals are set way too high and, in the end, forgotten about by February. In that spirit, I have decided to come up with a few goals for myself:

1. Make a billion dollars.
2. Go to Australia and box a kangaroo. (Go big or go home, right?)
3. Write a successful sitcom.
4. Use the word esoteric excessively.
5. I forgot what 5 was.
6. Remember what 5 was.
7. Use commas correctly.

As you can see, I have a pretty ambitious list of things to do this year, especially number 6. If I am able to knock even a couple of these off I will consider 2009 a success. Having 7 goals is a pretty good way to ensure that you do at least a couple of them.

So good luck on your goals for 2009. If you have any others you think I should add to my list, please direct them to the wall on your left.