A Thanksgiving Poem

Twas the night before Thanksgiving
And just like the mail
There were drivers in the fast lane
Going slow as a snail.

With little regard
for their fellow man.
These people were oblivious
As if they were sitting on the can.

Talking on the phone
They forget how to drive
“Why go the speed limit
When I can go 35?”

As their exit approaches
They cross all four lanes
Not even a signal
Or a thought in their brains

I swerve to avoid them
Driving on only 2 tires
I shout at the top of my lungs
“May you die in a very large fire”.

Have a Fun and Safe Thanksgiving Everyone!

The Ottoman Empire

A couple of weeks ago I bought a ceiling fan to put in my living room. It was reasonably priced and I picked up a wireless switch for it as well. My living room is poorly ventilated for some reason and I figure that a ceiling fan will solve that. Having never put up a fan before, I was nervous about electrocuting myself and/or burning the entire building down. I was, in fact, so nervous that I have yet to put the darn thing up.

There is a plus side, however, to leaving the fan in the box. You see, I am currently employing the box as an ottoman. It just so happens to be the ideal height to be ridiculously comfortable. So yes, this whole post was written to inform you that I am currently using a ceiling fan box, with the fan inside, as furniture. Perhaps I should get it upholstered?

Jellyfish apocalypse

I’ve talked about the great zombie apocalypse quite a few times on this blog. For years I had figured that this would be the most logical way for the human race to go out. Recently, however, I have been hearing more and more reports about giant creatures of the sea near Japan that really having me rethinking my theory. I am talking, of course, about giant jelly fish. More specifically, the Nomura Jellyfish. One of these things recently sunk a 10 ton Japanese fishing trawler. If this news doesn’t have you shaking in your nuclear fallout shelter, then you might want to reassess your situation.

With these new terrifying reports in mind, I hope to be able to become as prepared for the jellyfish apocalypse as I made you for the inevitable zombie apocalypse that will be spawned by the LHC getting turned on.

Lucky for you if you have already read my zombie survival guide as it contains many of the same ideas as my jellyfish survival guide. To be perfectly honest, when thinking about terror from the sea, I had always pictured giant squid or some other kind of outer space potato man bringing mankind to its knees. Dolphins have also historically been near the top of the terror scale due to their devious clicking and shit eating grin. Perhaps we only overlooked jellyfish due to their habitual tendency to wash up on shore to die while posing moderate danger to unsuspecting humans who might accidentally walk on top of them with bare feet.

Your best bet in surviving a jellyfish apocalypse is to just stay the hell out of the ocean. My sources inform me that Jellyfish are a salt water species so swimming in lakes should be ok for now. Failing that, your best bet would be to get one bad ass spear or trident. Prepare for quite a battle, however, as these things are about 5 to 6 times the size of your average pathetic human. Once they grab a hold of you with their tentacles there is no letting go because they are made of jelly and jelly is strong.

Should jellyfish develop opposable thumbs and the ability to walk on dry land, humanity is, for lack of a better phrase, completely boned. (Get it? Because jellyfish have no bones! It’s a pun!) They will soon assimilate us into their society and make us their condiments to use on their crackers made of jelly. Our only hope at this point would be for a giant volcano made out of salt to erupt and rain down upon the unsuspecting jellyfish, rendering them completely dried out and possibly delicious.

Save for the volcano, jellyfish will inherit the earth. Our last line of defense would be for us to turn on the LHC and have the zombies declare and all out war on the jellyfish. In all honesty I haven’t run enough test simulations to see how this option would fare for humanity. All I know is that at least I have a sword which should give me a fighting chance against these things. Together with my crowbar, I have a pretty decent plan for surviving whatever zombie/jellyfish combination of apocali that mother nature throws at me.

Texas Renaissance Festival

So this past weekend I made a trip out to the Texas Renaissance Festival, or TRF for you cool people. This was my first ever trip to the TRF and I must admit that it was not entirely what I expected it to be. To be fair, however, my preconceptions of the event were founded entirely on that episode of King of the Hill which had Will Ferrell do a voice over as the Black Knight. To be perfectly blunt, I sort of expected it to be more “Medieval’y” and a little less “People wearing raccoon tails’y”.

I am not quite sure I understand the idea of wearing a tail on your otherwise normal attire. But, for some reason, this seemed to be one of the things that many of the people were doing. There were even a multitude of shops dedicated to tails. Needless to say, I did not participate in this. I’m not judging, I just don’t get it.

The food was pretty fantastic. Per the King of the Hill episode I mentioned earlier, I was anxious to purchase a turkey leg. In fact, due to the drive being about 2 hours, the food and beer dispensary was the first shop that we hit up. The turkey leg, sausage on a stick, cheesecake on a stick and funnel cake were absolutely delish. I am a big fan of food on a stick. It just makes life so much easier. It is one of the universe’s true tragedies that science has not come up with a way to put funnel cake on a stick. Let’s just say that if the cake had been on a stick, I would not have ended up with powdered sugar all over my right arm...

Anyway, one of the main reasons I wanted to go to the TRF was to hopefully acquire a sword with which to defend myself against zombies when the ammo runs out Mila Jovich style. I had wanted a sword ever since I was in England and saw how bad ass they were. I quickly realized that many of the more bad ass swords were entirely out of my price range. One sword in particular was so expensive because it was supposedly forged in the fires of Mount Doom by evil Lord Sauron himself. I decided that should the sword ended up being called on by its master that I would most likely be the one called upon to make the arduous journey to Mordor and return the thing from whence it came. And since the fall tv season is in full swing, I just can’t afford to make that kind of commitment right now.

So instead of dropping 2 grand for a really cool, unique, possibly cursed blade at Ye Olde Sworde Shoppe, I went with the more economical cheap knock off which has all the bad assness of the real thing, but doesn’t require me to make an epic journey with a wizard.

Moving along, I was intrigued by the jousting event. Having never seen a “real” one before, I was a bit disappointed by how fake it all seemed. Once again, my only knowledge of jousting comes from television and movies. I thought that the general purpose of the joust was to remove one’s opponent from his steed and then deliver the final blow to him with your sword. Yes, I realize that these people are actors and are not actually trying to kill each other but the cheesiness of the whole thing left a lot to be desired in my most humble opinion.

We walked around through all the shops and looked at a lot of over priced hats and then headed out. We hit up a chicken express on the way home and then perilously sat in Heather’s car as she freaked out to Tech getting blown out by A&M. It was terrifying to say the least. All in all it was a bizarre day. No where else can a full grown adult throw caution to the wind a let their ass hang out proudly in public. Oh, and there were storm troopers for some reason...

Halloween Champagne Campaign 2k9

The Champagne Campaign has finally arrived. After nearly a year, the goal of raising $200 through Google Adsense has been realized. With these proceeds, Christine and I will be purchasing 2 cases of top shelf Korbel Champagne for one bad-ass Halloween party.

You’re probably saying to yourself right now: “Damn, that DOES sound pretty bad ass.” And you would be right to do so. You might also be wondering if 2 cases of champagne is really needed. If that is the case, you can just go ahead right now and consider yourself uninvited, just like that dumb Alanis Morissette song.

If you have not received an e-vite by the end of the week and feel that this is in error, please feel free to let me know about your intention to attend and I will go through a rigorous process to determine your eligibility. Eligibility inquiries will be processed in the order they are received. Ability to drink trash can punch without throwing up all over everyone is a huge and pretty much the only requirement. In all seriousness, if I know you and you feel like this is the sort of shin dig you might want to be a part of, drop me a line (who says that anymore?) and I will let you know the details.

There will also be a costume contest with the winner walking away with a bottle of Champagne just for them. The pictures from this thing are bound to be the kind that prevent you from getting a job, so keep that in mind as well.

This event is a long time coming. Thanks again to all of you out there who read through my drivel week after week. I may have shamelessly phoned in a few posts over the past year, but your determination to keep reading nevertheless was truly inspiring to me. So kudos to you, the reader, for making this whole thing possible. Come out and enjoy the fruits of your labor this Halloween!

And now for the legal mumbo jumbo: No purchase necessary, unless you intend to attend. Friends and Family of the hosts are eligible to attend, and probably will. Must be 21 years of age and a legal US resident. Odds of winning are mathematically insignificant.

SEE YOU GUYS THERE!

Mike for manager

Well it is mid-October and the Major League Baseball playoffs are already in full swing. Congrats to the Yankees, Angels, Phillies and Dodgers for making it to the League Championship Series. Of course, as predicted, the Astros had a decidedly terrible season this year. Falling just short of the 100 games I predicted them to lose, the Astros finished off the season strong by getting swept by the Mets in the final 3 games of the season giving them a 74-88 record on the year.

Once the Astros were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, they proceeded to fire the manager Cecil Cooper because, as we all know, the manager is responsible for players hitting .200 and the bullpen giving up 5 run leads. Not the Astros ever had a 5 run lead, but that is beyond the point. In my most humble opinion, however, Cecil Cooper was not a very good manager. In no conceivable way should Kazuo Matsui have started as many games as he did. At the very least he should not have stayed in the 2 spot in the lineup as he was an almost guaranteed out every time.

Cooper also failed to get on to players like Carlos Lee when he would lazily waltz down the line when he "knew" he would be thrown out. Coopers starting pitching rotation also made me wonder what he could have possibly been thinking. Granted, the Astros were not very deep at the starting pitching position this year but come on, running Chris Sampson out there for 2 and 1/3 innings and basically starting the game in a 6 run hole is no way to manage a ball club. I would have honestly liked to have seen the Astros bring up more of their minor leaguers earlier in the season when it became apparent that they were in no way going to contend for anything.

So anyway, like I said, the Astros fired Cecil Cooper. Will it have any noticeable effect on the way the team plays? My hunch is that without the right replacement, the answer very well may be no. The team recently published their short list of managerial candidates. All of the usual suspects are there i.e.: other recently fired managers, players who have recently retired, Pete Rose, etc... One peculiarity was the fact that Phil Gardner was on the list. For those forgetful people out there, Phil Gardner was the guy who led the Astros to their first ever playoff series win in 2004 and subsequently led them to their first World Series appearance in 2005. I would like to throw in there at this point that I was actually in attendance for that first World Series game here in Houston. But I digress; the point is that none of these people should be given the role of manager. What then, Mike? Who will lead our beloved Astros to victory?

The answer is simple: me. Yes, me. I know I am blowing your mind right now but the fact is that I, quite frankly, would make a better manager than all of those people. Yes, even if they were combined to form some sort of autonomous super mutant manager. First, I would start with the chainsaw. I would take a similar approach that Ari Gold took when he bought his rivals company. I would literally walk up and down Minute Maid Park with a paintball gun and shoot anyone who would not be associated with the team anymore. This includes the entire bullpen and most of the starting lineup.

When I was done, the only people left on the team would be Michael Bourne, Lance Berkman, and Hunter Pence. I thought about keeping Oswalt but after 2 very sub par years, I think he may be past his prime. But that is it! I would then build an entire team around them from scratch. I figure that by trading the other big name players on our roster that we would be able to get a ass ton of minor leaguers full of promise. Sure, this next year would be what they call a "rebuilding year". Thats not to say that they would be incapable of making the playoffs. I mean, just look at the Rockies this year and the Marlins the past couple year. They've shown some real promise from guys who have only been in the league for a couple months.

There would also be penalties for not hustling. Don't want to run a ground ball out on your way to first? Bam, one game suspension. Let a ball drop in front of you because you dont feel like diving? You guessed it, one game suspension. All I am saying is that I would require my players to play the game like they actually give a damn what the outcome is.

Anyway, if anyone at the Astros' front desk is reading this, please consider me for the managerial position. Im sure you will find that my salary demands are quite reasonable. I would also like one of those large parking spaces with my name on it, none of that "compact cars only" crap. I won't be able to guarantee a return to the playoffs immediately, but I sure as hell will make sure the games are more entertaining to watch than consistent 3-0 losses. Thanks.

My Vegas travel guide

One week ago today, I returned from Las Vegas. Much like my trip last year, this trip was filled with its memorable moments. We spent a great deal more time gambling and less time sight seeing this go around compared to last year. With that in mind, I am not going to give a full recap of the trip. Instead, I will share with you a few of the lessons I learned while in Vegas. Hopefully these will come in handy to you should you ever visit sin city.

I just realized that this post is going to resemble a do's and don't list a la the Travel Channel. Just bear with me. Lol, bears.

DO visit the Minus 5 ice bar in Mandalay Bay. This place was really one of the highlights of the trip. For 35 bucks, they loan you a parka and stick you in this freezer where everything is made out of ice. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. The tables, chairs, shelves and bar were all made out of ice. Oh, also the cups. The 35 bucks gets you 2 drinks served up to you in tumbler glasses made of ice. When I asked what they do with the cups afterwards, the lady told me with a straight face that they put them in a giant frozen dishwasher. I'm pretty sure she was just joking though...

DON'T get a 100 ounce Long Island Iced Tea at Minus 5. This was probably the worst decision I made on the trip. Failure to heed this warning may result in you being unable to remember leaving Minus 5. It may then also result in you getting kicked out of the Luxor Casino for throwing up all over the casino floor while at the Pai Gow table. I, of course, did not experience that first hand, I just heard it from some random person.

DO throw the remainder of your money on the field at the craps table when you are dwindling on funds. The odds are good that a 2 or 12 will hit and triple your money back up to even. I actually witnessed this twice this trip and it is a guaranteed way to make your money back. Seriously, craps is a hell of a game. Unbelievably fun to play when there is a hot shooter and still only mildly depressing when you run into a cold one.

DON'T play 300 dollars on a single hand of blackjack. This is another one of those "I heard it from some random person" lessons. Just trust me on this one.

DO play the fortune bonus at the Pai Gow table. If you are like me and enjoy Pai Gow poker, quite frankly the only way to win money is to play the fortune bonus. Sure, you might get lucky and win a couple hands to go up a little, but the only sure fire way to win big is to hit the 7 card straight flush with no joker. It pays 30,000 to 1 so on a 5 dollar bet you are talking about $150k. While I was not lucky enough to hit that, I was able to hit 4 of a kind which paid a nice 25 to 1 which netted me a cool $125. Had I been playing the fortune last time in New Orleans, I would have won $750 on my royal flush. I'm never letting an opportunity like that go by again.
DO hit up the champagne brunch at Mandalay Bay. Last year we hit up Planet Hollywoods champagne brunch and were pretty blown away by it. I do have to say, however, that the one at Mandalay Bay edges it out barely in terms of quality and variety of food. You really cant go wrong with unlimited pre-cracked snow crab legs while sipping on mimosas can you?

DON'T go with your gut when it comes to sports betting. I'm convinced that the only way to win at sports betting is to take the same approach that George Costanza took during that episode of Seinfeld: Always do the opposite of what you think is right. Going against your intuition will mean you will take Oakland at +7 over the Chargers and the Bills at +10.5 over the Patriots. I will try this approach next time and let you know how it works out.

Speaking of next time, it appears that I will be headed back to Vegas on or around the 6th of June next year. In the meantime I am pretty burnt out on taking vacations. Traveling all over the place over 5 times this year has taken its toll. And while I wont rule out a quickie trip down to Lake Charles or something, I can safely say that I wont be making any more big trips for a while.

All in all it was a great vacation. Contrary to all of our beliefs, we actually played beer pong in the hotel room and had bacon and eggs in the morning. I would recommend staying at the Jockey Club. We got a great deal and the place even had a little mini-mart in the lobby that was reasonable priced. There was also no silverware was stolen from any restaurants this trip nor were there any bloody noses. I'm already looking forward to the next trip out there....