Historical tweets

You probably read recently about an effort that is underway to archive and categorize the entirety of the twitterverse in the freaking Library of Congress. That’s right, the place where some of the most important documents in this country’s history reside will now also contain your melodrama about the time you couldn’t decide on what pair of pants to wear out of the house on laundry day. For a little bit of perspective on what this all will mean to future alien civilizations, I’ve gone back in time, along with twitter, and compiled some of the more interesting tweets from the past. Enjoy.

February 22, 1732: @GWashMeATon writes: Woke up this morning and the cherry tree was gone….I must have been SO wasted! BEST. NIGHT. EVAR.

July 12, 1750: @TheRealFranklin writes: Either I am really baked or I just invented electricity. LOL either way, I’m flying a kite in a lightning storm!

July 12, 1750: @ThomasEdisonGramp writes: Suck it, @TheRealFranklin!

July 4, 1776: @JeffersonROX: LOL, shit is getting real around here. Just signed a declaration of independance and told @KingGeorge to EABOD!!!!!1!

July 5, 1776: @NewUSCitizen writes: RT: @FreedomRULEZ We are now our own country! Bring on the reality TV and bacon double cheeseburgers!!!!!!!!

July 5, 1776: @WetBlanket writes: TV hasn’t been invented yet @NewUSCitizen, HURRRRR.

July 6, 1776: @JonHandontheCawk writes: Check out mah blog about our new country yall: http://newcountry.mayflowerblogs.com. It's teh BEES KNEES!

April 10 1782: @MalfunctioningEddy writes: I’m going crazy and slashing prices on my entire inventory of wagons. Hit the Oregon Trail in style by coming out to see us today!

August 31, 1803: @LewisAndClark writes: Spirits are high as we begin our expedition. Here’s hoping I brought enough pairs of pants LOL.

So there you have it, Tweets from the past. I do realize that I missed some tweets from some rather important historical events. But in my defense, I was out getting hammered with Jefferson and Franklin for the better part of my trip back in time. Boy did the food suck back then….no burritos or pizza rolls or anything.

I was a little leery at first of the idea to archive all that is Twitter. However, after my journey to the past, I can see now why this will not only be a great way to see what life was like back in the day to future generations, it will also help us to remember all the lolz we had in our own time. We will also be forced to look back and wonder why Justin Bieber was the top trending topic for a full 2 years…..

Ok, maybe it isn’t such a good idea after all.

A salute to power tools

Since the dawn of time, mankind has faced one major problem: Stripped screw heads. Our story begins in the days of yore when a young gentleman name Mr. Torx decided that he wanted to invent a classification of screw that would enable propitiators of hardware to dissuade their customers from tampering with their manufactured devices. One of the benefits of this new Torx screw was that repeated tightening and un-tightening or simply using the wrong sized tool would render the screw useless therefore locking the device up forever.

Undeterred, civilization did what it has always done in the face of an insurmountable challenge: build something that could destroy anything. Realizing that a newly purchased device made impossible the idea of tinkering around inside by use of several Torx screws, a young lad by the name of Mr. Dremel came along and invented the Dremel Tool. This was the equivalent of entering the Imperial Age in Age of Empires 2 or when those monkeys learned how to beat other monkeys with bones in the film 2001: A Space Odyssey. No longer would man be held hostage by the grip of repressive technology.

It was in this spirit that I, yesterday, exercised my ability to defeat the Torx screw. After repeated attempts at brute force, the screw I was attempting to remove was smoothly hollowed out. I was nearly ready to admit defeat. Being at my last resort, I unleashed the destroyer of worlds. The only device capable of removing the head of a screw in a matter of seconds. Indeed within mere minutes I had grinded the head of the screw down to nothing. Spraks flew in every direction and the noise was defaning. Yes, I wore eye protection. I was also drinking a beer, so I consider that to be a push on safety. You never want to be TOO safe, after all.

At this very moment I am writing my senator requesting an official holiday to celebrate the life of one Mr. Bill Dremel. Too long has his great work gone unappreciated on large scale. Thank you, Mr. Dremel. Thank you for the greatest gift of all, the ability to remove whatever gets in our way at any cost.

At the very least, give the guy a "real men of genius" Bud Light commercial or something...