My Vegas travel guide

One week ago today, I returned from Las Vegas. Much like my trip last year, this trip was filled with its memorable moments. We spent a great deal more time gambling and less time sight seeing this go around compared to last year. With that in mind, I am not going to give a full recap of the trip. Instead, I will share with you a few of the lessons I learned while in Vegas. Hopefully these will come in handy to you should you ever visit sin city.

I just realized that this post is going to resemble a do's and don't list a la the Travel Channel. Just bear with me. Lol, bears.

DO visit the Minus 5 ice bar in Mandalay Bay. This place was really one of the highlights of the trip. For 35 bucks, they loan you a parka and stick you in this freezer where everything is made out of ice. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. The tables, chairs, shelves and bar were all made out of ice. Oh, also the cups. The 35 bucks gets you 2 drinks served up to you in tumbler glasses made of ice. When I asked what they do with the cups afterwards, the lady told me with a straight face that they put them in a giant frozen dishwasher. I'm pretty sure she was just joking though...

DON'T get a 100 ounce Long Island Iced Tea at Minus 5. This was probably the worst decision I made on the trip. Failure to heed this warning may result in you being unable to remember leaving Minus 5. It may then also result in you getting kicked out of the Luxor Casino for throwing up all over the casino floor while at the Pai Gow table. I, of course, did not experience that first hand, I just heard it from some random person.

DO throw the remainder of your money on the field at the craps table when you are dwindling on funds. The odds are good that a 2 or 12 will hit and triple your money back up to even. I actually witnessed this twice this trip and it is a guaranteed way to make your money back. Seriously, craps is a hell of a game. Unbelievably fun to play when there is a hot shooter and still only mildly depressing when you run into a cold one.

DON'T play 300 dollars on a single hand of blackjack. This is another one of those "I heard it from some random person" lessons. Just trust me on this one.

DO play the fortune bonus at the Pai Gow table. If you are like me and enjoy Pai Gow poker, quite frankly the only way to win money is to play the fortune bonus. Sure, you might get lucky and win a couple hands to go up a little, but the only sure fire way to win big is to hit the 7 card straight flush with no joker. It pays 30,000 to 1 so on a 5 dollar bet you are talking about $150k. While I was not lucky enough to hit that, I was able to hit 4 of a kind which paid a nice 25 to 1 which netted me a cool $125. Had I been playing the fortune last time in New Orleans, I would have won $750 on my royal flush. I'm never letting an opportunity like that go by again.
DO hit up the champagne brunch at Mandalay Bay. Last year we hit up Planet Hollywoods champagne brunch and were pretty blown away by it. I do have to say, however, that the one at Mandalay Bay edges it out barely in terms of quality and variety of food. You really cant go wrong with unlimited pre-cracked snow crab legs while sipping on mimosas can you?

DON'T go with your gut when it comes to sports betting. I'm convinced that the only way to win at sports betting is to take the same approach that George Costanza took during that episode of Seinfeld: Always do the opposite of what you think is right. Going against your intuition will mean you will take Oakland at +7 over the Chargers and the Bills at +10.5 over the Patriots. I will try this approach next time and let you know how it works out.

Speaking of next time, it appears that I will be headed back to Vegas on or around the 6th of June next year. In the meantime I am pretty burnt out on taking vacations. Traveling all over the place over 5 times this year has taken its toll. And while I wont rule out a quickie trip down to Lake Charles or something, I can safely say that I wont be making any more big trips for a while.

All in all it was a great vacation. Contrary to all of our beliefs, we actually played beer pong in the hotel room and had bacon and eggs in the morning. I would recommend staying at the Jockey Club. We got a great deal and the place even had a little mini-mart in the lobby that was reasonable priced. There was also no silverware was stolen from any restaurants this trip nor were there any bloody noses. I'm already looking forward to the next trip out there....

Finally football

Ok, wow, super late on posting anything lately mainly due to my trip to Vegas this past weekend. While I do plan on giving that a good write up perhaps later next week, it will not be the focal point of this post. Were here today to talk mainly about football, more specifically how the Texans season is already over, how the Bills and Raiders decided to not be the Bills and Raiders on opening night and why Adrian Peterson is not human.

First off, the Texans. For some reason or another, the Texans managed to secure the spot of pre-season "sleeper" status. How this managed to happen I have no idea. Watching both the FOX and CBS pregame shows unanimously pick the Texans to not only win the game but also be playoff contenders pretty much sealed the deal for their season. Matt Schuab took a play out of David Carrs book and proceeded to throw for a measly 18 for 33 with 160 yards. Steve Slaton built on his solid rookie year by carrying the ball 9 times for an incredible 17 yards.

I really had high hopes for the Texans this year. I really did. I guess I just got sucked up in the hype that they would be a playoff contender this year. However, after this past Sunday's performance, finishing at .500 would be nothing short of a miracle. I will still watch them and hope that they do well, but it wouldnt surprise me if they finished 5-11, 6-10 at best. Perhaps I already knew deep down this would happen since I decided that betting the Texans at -7 was probably going to be a bad idea.

On the complete opposite side of the spectrum we have the Buffalo Bills and the Oakland Raiders. Perennial losers, these teams managed to cost me 100 bucks with their sudden lack of horrible play. At +10.5 and +7 respectively, these games were two of my locks that I had picked before even heading out to Vegas. The bills were playing the freaking Patriots! I figured Tom Brady would come back from being out last year and throw for 9 TDs and 4 thousand yards. G'luck. Brady looked very rusty and the Bills were going down the field every possession with ease. Oakland pretty much did the same against the Chargers. Both teams played well above their expectations and still lost, just not by the correct amount of points I needed for a win.

All was not lost however as the Cowboys and the Vikings both covered. Not too much to say about the Cowboys, they played well against an ok Tampa Bay team and got the win easily. The Vikings are another story altogether. Adrian Peterson is going to single handedly win the Super Bowl for them. Book it, done. He was annihilating the Browns defense like he had the Madden settings on super rookie mode. They would have scored another 8 or 9 times if Favre hadnt attempted to throw the ball so damn much. The Vikings are legit and Adrian Peterson will be your 2010 MVP.

I, quite frankly, watched a lot of football this weekend and is a lot more that I am not going to cover here like the Patriots and Broncos final drives. Those have been written about to death over on ESPN and the like. I will go ahead and give a shout out to the Houston Cougars. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was telling me that I needed to take more medication if I thought that the Cougs would beat Oklahoma State, let alone cover the 16 point spread. Not only did they win, they won handily by 10 points. Great way to start the season and now they are ranked 21 in the nation. Beating Texas Tech next week would really start to raise some eye brows nationally if they haven't already been raised.

And with the start of the NFL season, I officially bid farewell to the Astros who I will no longer be following. Here's to the next 3 months of nearly non interrupted football awesomeness. From the looks of it, it's going to be a great season.

The Hunt for Red Accord

When we were children, we were promised many things. Flying cars. Teleporters. Jetpacks. Man walking on the moon. We were told that these things we all but a certainty. Of course, we now realize that all of the aforementioned things were merely the pipe dreams of a baby boomer generation that had failed to accomplish very much at that point. Well I thought it was time for me to come up with a fantastical idea of my own that is truly awesome yet has no chance of ever being made.

Nowadays we have all this cool voice activated stuff in our cars. Voice activated dialing, music volume control and various other commands. I want to take it a step further and make all aspects of driving voice activated. Accelerating, braking, steering, wipers, blinkers and gear shifters would all be voice activated. This would enable people to do what they really want to do while driving, namely anything other than concentrating on driving.

I then want to take it a step further and add themes. In particular, I want to issue submarine themed commands to control my vehicle. Unfortunately, if you are not familiar with submarine movies, the following will almost certainly fly over your head.

For starters, I might want to start my car by saying something similar to: "make ready the vehicle, secure all hatches. Stow all luggage and soft drinks."

To begin driving to my destination I might utter: "Set your course to Whataburger, make your speed 35 knots, drive drive drive".

In the event I was cut off by an unruly driver I might wish to give the command of: "Sound the alarm, one honk only please."

If I were to find myself driving through a rainstorm, the following command would be given: "Set wipers to medium, engage the rear defrosts."

Should cars of the future be able to fire nuclear warheads I might issue the following order: "Set condition 1SQ for strategic missile launch. Spin up missiles 1-5 and 20-24. The use of nuclear weapons have been authorized. This is not a drill"

Should the car ever disobey or question a command, I would simply dismiss the AI by saying "you're relieved" and then proceed to take manual control over the car.

All orders would be read back in full by the in car AI, voiced by Sam Neil of course, and then followed by "aye aye sir." The headlights will also be capable of flashing morse code in the event of me ever wanting to defect. And, of course, should my car be fatally totaled in an accident, its last words to me would be something along the lines of: "I would like to have seen Montana." Of course, if I had in fact driven the car through Montana at some point, another Sam Neil quote would have to suffice here...

I do suppose other themes could be made for those out there who don't necessarily want to issue naval commands. However since they would in no way be as awesome, I have decided not to list them here. Hopefully my idea of the future will become more of a reality than the ones I was told as a kid.

Not much going on

Not too much to report on lately. I took my CHL class this Saturday. It was a bit of a drag going from 7:30am to 6:30pm but learned some valuable information nonetheless. In celebration of finally getting off my ass and taking the course, I treated myself to a brand new Glock 27 that I picked up at the Pasadena Gun Show Sunday afternoon. In case you dont already know, the Glock 27 is a .40 caliber subcompact semi automatic pistol which should be a perfect equilibrium between power and size in terms of concealment for personal protection.

In other news, the Accord is holding up well. After putting nearly 750 miles on it on the recent trip to New Orleans, I averaged about 29.5 mpg with 4 people. This is considerably more mileage than I could have ever dreamed of in the Exploder which would barely hit 20 mpg on a downhill slope. All in all Im still really happy with the purchase. Still feeling the hit to the bank account a little bit though...

My love, hate, love, really hate, love relationship with the xbox 360 continues. I have it in a condition right now where it will run most of the time with little to no screen tearing. By condition, I mean it is currently sitting on my coffee table without its case with a large room fan blowing on it constantly. Occasional screen tearing can be remedied by pressing down on the center of the motherboard which only strengthens my belief that warping of the board is one of the main reasons so many of the xbox 360s break in the first place. With the recent price drop, I am seriously considering just biting the proverbial bullet and picking up a new one. We will just have to see how much more I can take with the current model.

Next Saturday I will be making my return to Las Vegas. After last years awesomeness, I have no reason to doubt this trip will be any less satisfactory. This go around we decided to rent a condo on the strip in lieu of staying at one of the casino resorts. This was done for several reasons, the main one being we have more people this go around and will be able to fit everyone in one condo instead of having to worry about multiple hotel rooms. Champagne brunch is definitely on the agenda as well as sipping mimosas at the sports book on Sunday. The Sunday we are there is opening day for the NFL so expect me to lose several hundred dollars betting on guaranteed locks. (Still cannot believe I lost that Giants bet last year...)

So thats pretty much it. Long weekend coming up means smoking a pork shoulder this Sunday. Nothing, and I mean nothing, taste better than a pulled pork sandwich smothered in cole slaw on a kaiser roll bun. Add in some potato salad and some beans, garlic bread and baby you got yourself a BBQ going. Champagne Campaign is on the horizon as well as soon as Christine gets her hundred bucks. If I was a betting man, and I think it's clear that I am, I would say that the easy money would be on the event taking place some time in mid October. If consuming 40 bottles of cheap champagne is wrong, I dont want to be right.

More New Orleans fun

I had another awesome weekend in New Orleans. Now having been there 5 times in the past year or so, I have honestly never found myself to be bored of it. The place is like a mini Vegas that just so happens to be within reasonable driving distance.

Anyway, while I was there I witnessed quite a few things at the casino. For starters, I had a pretty ridiculous hot streak at craps while playing the Dont Pass line. Shooters were making their point and then sevening out almost immediately. Even my two dollar high-low bet was hitting pretty often netting me 29 dollars each time. The hard ways were more or less not hitting and I stopped playing them a couple hours in. I netted about $350 that first night.

Not content to let the good times stop, I started right back where I left off the following day. This time around, however, I encountered one of the coldest (for a dont pass player) tables I have ever been at. Shooters were hitting 7's and 11's on the come out role very consistently, never once crapping out on that second day. Even usually solid points like 4 and 10 were being hit over and over. I lost $200 and decided to pretty much call an end to gambling for the trip while still being up.

Several drinks later, I was persuaded to play some Pai-Gow since there were actually a few spots open at the table. While at the table, I proceeded to get a royal flush on one of my hands. Had I been betting the 5 dollar fortune bonus (sucker bet), I would have netted $750. A true tragedy indeed. I ended up only winning about 50 bucks at the table before I decided to call it quits. I actually ended up at the craps table 1 more time so see if my luck had changed. Sure enough, it hadnt and I ended up losing another hundred bucks to finish the trip up only about $120. Still good, but could and should have been better if I had just called it quits earlier. When in Rome, I guess.

Anyway, the coolest part of the trip was watching Jonathan turn 40 dollars into 700 dollars at the blackjack table in just a mere 5 or 6 hands. It was absolutely incredible. He walked up to the table just to "waste the 40 bucks" he had so we could leave and go get food. His first bet of 25 dollars won so he let it ride. Blackjack, 75 dollar win. Now betting 100 dollars a hand, he wins again and then once more. He now has about 300 bucks locked up and he is ready to call it quits. He throws out his remaining money less the 300 he is walking away with and gets dealt aces. Now, per basic blackjack strategy, he decided to split the aces. The dealer counts out the money he has bet and informs him it is $126.50. After putting out another $126.50 for the split, he proceeds to blackjack one of the aces and get a 19 on the other one. The dealer turned up 17 and he won both hands. After all the dust had settled, he walked away with some 700 dollars from the table all in about 5 minutes of playing time.

So ya, the casino was awesome as usual. During the course of the weekend I also met Doyle Brunson at a restaurant and got him to sign a 5 dollar bill for me. So awesome. I also had one of the nastiest vomits I have ever had in my entire life. The orange Mango Mango slushy with the shine in it is what did me in. My accord got 30 mpg during the trip which I was pretty happy with. All in all, a fantastic trip. Can't wait to go back!

Also, I finally made some of that internet money. AdSense deposited 100 bucks into my account this morning. Thanks to all of you who are making the Champagne Campaign a reality!

School traffic

Kids start going back to school next week. While this time of year generally sparks the turnover from young kids to old troll people serving you at fine fast food establishments, it also bring about change in another less obvious way. Traffic. Yes, for some unknown reason, kids going back to school creates traffic during the morning and drive home commute in a way that cannot currently by explained by science or phases of the moon.

Without a doubt you have surely encountered this phenomenon if you travel on any freeway in the Houston area. I only specifically say Houston because it is quite possible that this is merely a localized event characterized by the sort of people who live in these parts. If that is the case, perhaps an episode of "In Search Of with Leonard Nimoy" on the History Channel is in order. If he is able to persuade a massive audience about the possible existence of the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, I have no doubt he will turn up compelling evidence that will pose new questions about this traffic phenomena.

My own personal theory, however, will now be explained with very little to no scientific research on the topic. In a way, you could call this whole post purely speculative and highly misinformed.

My idea is that the whole thing is a conspiracy conjured up by the oil companies to keep gas prices high during the latter part of the so called "summer driving season". I realize that I am getting into some serious stuff right here and also the fact that they could flood the chamber with gas at any point. Nevertheless, those responsible must know that their plans are now out in the open. You see, what do gas companies love more than anything else in the world? Thats right, money. And how do they get that money? By shaking down school children in the parking lot for their lunch money, thats how.

Once the kids have no more money, they call home and request further funding for their daily sustenance. Parents currently on the freeway are forced to turn around and return to the school to give their kids more money. So you see, the parents who dropped their kids off early in the morning are returning to the school at the same time as the slacker parents who drop their kids of right before the bell rings leaving all parties involved getting back onto the freeway at the exact same time as one another.

I realize that I am probably blowing your minds right here. Leonard Nimoy would surely be proud of what I have uncovered. I know what you are all asking, "Mike, do you have proof?" The simple answer to that is no. The long, detailed answer would also probably lead you to conclude the same. Regardless, the message is now out here on the internets. No longer will you have to wonder why there is miserable traffic on the freeway from September to June. Of course, I suppose you could also just chalk it up to people taking a lot of vacation during the summer months. But sadly, that is not the kind of breaking news that the people are looking for.

Im off to Pei Wei for lunch.

My new car

Well I did it. Yesterday I purchased a 2009 Honda Accord. While the Volvo VT 880 would have provided an excellent opportunity to cruise the streets of Houston, I decided that the economics of it simply were not feasible.

Thanks to the "Cash for Clunkers" government program, I was able to get a pretty slick deal on the Accord. After looking at both the Toyota Camry and Nissan Altima, the Accord was the hands down winner possessing the pros of both cars with none of the cons. The Accord is very roomy and has quite a lot of giddy-up. In fact, the only real thing I dont like about the car in the driver seat. After more than 10 years of sitting on a 4 inch think piece of foam, it is going to take a while to get used to these new less comfortable seats. They just dont make em' like they used to amirite?

The best part of the transaction yesterday was the turning over of my clunker to the dealership and having to explain all the caveats and quirks. Somewhat ironically, the clicker that unlocks the doors to my Explorer died just yesterday leaving the car completely inaccessible save for the only working key latch on the car which happens to be the trunk. I also had to explain how to hold down the alarm override switch while turning the ignition in order to start the car. Those features will not be missed.

I was able to get the salesman into the "come on, guy, you're breaking my balls here" mode so I walked away feeling as if I had done the haggling to the best of my ability. I named my price and after several tense negotiations, I got it. The whole experience was quite exhilarating.and I did the whole thing on an empty stomach. There was quite a bit of the old "Well my manager ain't going to agree to that" and all that other nonsense. I was a bit disappointed that he never offered to"throw in the under coating for free" or anything else like that you usually see on tv.

When I got the car home, I learned that it had an Emergency Trunk Release. I proceeded to hop into the back of the trunk and test it out to see if it worked. It did. In hindsight, this should have been something I tested out at the dealership. Imagine how funny it would be to get in the trunk, test out the release and then in a dead pan manner ask the sales guy if there was any way for it to be disabled and that it would be a deal breaker if you could not. Hilarity surely would have ensued.

So now I have my new car. Hopefully I am able to drive it into the ground the same way as I did with my Exploder. Would I have purchased a car if it were not for the government rebate program? Probably not. I most likely would have continued to dump massive sums of money into my Exploder until it simply ceased to run anymore. I am feeling pretty good to go with the car. Here's to another 120,000 miles.