Profoundity

This last Sunday, season 2 of "Eastbound and Down" came to a close. And although I felt this season was no where near the level of awesome that was the first, it still had its funny moments. The episode on Sunday closed with a quote that I found rather profound and since I so rarely find things to be profound I figured I would share it with you here:

"Just like that the journey is over. Depression is finished and you're on your way back to the world of the living, smiling, regular people. The road has been paved with dickheads, back-stabbers, and pains in the fucking ass. But memories are made, allies were had, pole smokers were toppled and the truth was discovered. And like any journey, if you stay the course long enough, the road might just show you what you need. All you got to do is keep your eyes on the road and your foot on the fucking gas." -Kenny Powers

So there you have it. And since this will inevitably be the only post I put on this blog this month, I hope you will savor it and enjoy the profoundity of it!

Drew Brees owes me 825 dollars.

Ok we haven't had a sports blog in a good long while and since this weekend was probably the worst sports weekend ever for me personally, I figured it was time for one.

Let's start with the Texas Rangers. After winning the first two games of the ALDS in Tampa Bay, the Rangers somehow didn't get the memo that you actually have to win the 3rd in order to advance. So now the series is all tied up at 2 games each after Tampa came into Arlington this weekend and quite frankly put a beat down on the Rangers. I still think that they will advance to the ALCS to play the Yankees, but they need to get their shit together ASAP. Luckily, I think they will have Cliff Lee starting for them in game 5 which should give them the advantage. At least the Phillies already clinched since I am quasi rooting for them in the National League.

Moving right along to the Houston Texans. I have neglected to write about them this season because I wasn't really sure how the team was going perform this year and I didn't want to jinx them. After starting out 2-0 by beating the Colts at home and the Redskins on the road in their first ever overtime victory, there was some considerable hype that this might be “the year". I'm talking, of course, about making the playoffs. (Playoffs?). ESPN had the Texans ranked number 3 in their power rankings after week 2. Well I must admit that after watching yesterday's game against the Giants, I would be surprised if they managed to finish 8-8 this season. In fact, that is my most optimistic scenario since the Texans are your classic "Myspace Angle" team at 3-2. In all likelihood, they will finish at 7-9 or 6-10 just like we always expect them to. Until they can figure out how to show up week in and week out, I just don't see the team doing anything of value. Beating the Colts at home in the season opener doesn't mean jack if you aren't able to finish out the rest of the season.

And now for the triple whammy, the New Orleans Saints. I decided to play in a Survivor/Knock-Out style fantasy game this year. The idea is that you pay 15 bucks at the beginning of the season and then pick an NFL team to win each week. No point spread or anything, just win. If your team loses, you are out and if they win you continue on. Last man standing gets all the money. The only catch is that once you pick a team, you can no longer use them the rest of the season. I had planned out a perfect road map for the season and figured that the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints would be able to beat the miserable Arizona Cardinals who were starting an undrafted rookie quarterback. Boy was I wrong. Drew Brees took it upon himself to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by throwing 2 interceptions in the 4th quarter, both of which led to touchdowns for the Cardinals. It is in that respect that I figure Drew Brees owes me 825 dollars. The game was a lock for crying out loud!

Ah, felt good to get that all out of my system. I thought it was an omen that this Sunday was 10/10/10. I figured that all 3 teams I was rooting for would get "10's" for their performance. So much for superstition. By the way, there is a slight chance that I will be going to the Texans/Chiefs game this Sunday. Should that opportunity present itself, you can bet your ass that I will be wearing a bag over my head. Look for me on tv!

*EDIT*
I forgot that I was supposed to give Christine a shout out. So here it is, go check out her blog here!

The Sharktopus

This past week, I noticed that the word "Sharktopus” was a trending topic on Twitter. Intrigued, I looked up what all the fuss was about. You see, since I no longer have cable, I am occasionally behind the ball on new TV shows and made for TV movies. Sharktopus was one of those movies airing on the Sci Fi channel. After reading some of the reviews on the internet and watching the promo commercial, I decided that I had to see this thing.

So last night, I watched the Sharktopus movie. I'm using the word "movie” lightly here since there was really only about 30 minutes of actual plot related material. The other 60 or so minutes were the indiscriminate killings of the Sharktopus on the some sort of vacation resort in Mexico. Now, you may be asking yourself, what is the Sharktopus? Let me break it down for you one time. The Sharktopus is half man, half shark and half octopus. It was created by the DOD, apparently, to be a super stealthy killing machine or something. It was controlled by a control collar that conveniently gets destroyed in the opening scenes of the film, thus setting up the story.

You obviously cannot go into this movie expecting anything but entertainment value. I found myself laughing at the simple absurdity of most of the kill scenes. The Sharktopus can impale people with its tentacles, jump into the air to catch a bungee jumper and walk on fucking land. I bet you thought the Sharktopus would be confined to its watery home, but you'd be wrong. The Sharktopus can climb mountains to kill people in a cliff top restaurant. Also, the Sharktopus doesn't even consume his victims; he just kills them for what I can only assume is the pure joy of it.

I'm not going to go into any more of the plot details because I honestly believe you should watch this movie. It has everything a Sci Fi movie of the week should have: overzealous reporter, power drunk Shartopus creator, down to earth Shartopus creator's daughter, former Navy Seal hero, annoying radio DJ guy and girls in skimpy outfits. I applaud the Sci Fi channel for knowing no bounds when coming up with these films.

What's next, Sci Fi channel? Got any more ideas for the next half something half something killing machine? How about a half crocodile half hippopotamus: The Croctopotomus! It can even have the same plot and story! Think about it: "The Navy, wanting to have a bigger yet also stealthier presence in the Sub-Saharan jungle, creates a new breed of monster, The Crotopotomus. But, due to a malfunction, the Crotopotomus is released in downtown New York where it dwells in the run down subway lines waiting for its next victim.” And then at the end you could have it climbing the Empire State building or something for no adequately explored reason. And when the monster is finally killed at the end by the Army or another Croctopotomus or something, the creator will weep and shout to the heavens: "Who's the real 7 billion dollar monster now? Not I…..not…I.” Credits roll.

All rights reserved. Just be sure to send me my movie check when it gets made.

More fun in New Orleans

Back to work after a long 4 day weekend in New Orleans. My body is still pretty mad at me for the long hours and questionable eating schedule. And while the other trips to New Orleans in the past all had their memorable moments, this one might just have been the most jam packed.

We actually got around to leaving on schedule this time around 12:30 on Friday and, due to the lack of any kind of traffic, had a quick 5 hour drive to New Orleans from Houston. We checked into the hotel and immediately hit the casino. Now, since we have all been super degenerate at the casino in the past, they rewarded us with several free buffets along with some free monies with which to play with.

After eating entirely too much at the buffet, I proceeded to have the worst luck I have ever encountered at a casino. I was hitting nothing. Nothing at all. Playing high roller Pai Gow was probably my biggest downfall. I lost a quick four hundy and decided to just take it easy for a while. Everyone at this point was losing pretty badly so we headed down to Bourbon Street to drown our sorrows.

It was here on Bourbon Street that I learned yet another life lesson. That lesson being: always have a girl in your group when you are on Bourbon Street. Apparently, not following this simple rule results in random prostitutes coming up to you and giving you the "hey baby, you wanna party?" line. First of all, hookers, its time to come up with a new pick up line. Second, you are super fat and ugly. This was my first run in with hookers and I have to admit that I was not very impressed. I guess in my head they all looked like Julia Roberts in that god awful movie with Richard Gere. Oh well, live and learn, I guess.

Anyway, on Saturday I did a bunch of touristy stuff in the hopes of not wasting any more monies at the casino. The plan worked well and I finally got around to seeing this Jackson Square that everyone has been harping on me to see since my first trip to New Orleans. The artists were pretty impressive and I then realized that had I only brought my Country Legends guitar I could have unloaded it here for sure for a fat profit. When in Rome, I guess. I also got out to see the Mississippi River and some street performers doing break dances and hitting up people with the hard sell to buy their $20 dvd.

Finally, back in the casino, I got off to a good start with a gratis Champagne Brunch. Looking to play just a little more, I broke my one and only casino rule by hitting up the ATM for an extra hundred dollars. And while I did break my set limit, it would prove to be instrumental in me playing the hottest round of craps I have ever played in my life. I was hitting the sucker bets left and right. Hit snake eyes back-to-back at 30-1 each on a 5 dollar bet for a quick 300 bucks. I was keeping an active hard eight working and had to have hit it at least 7 or 8 times. Dont Pass was killing it for me while everyone else at the table was losing their ass on the Pass Line. In fact, the only bet that seemed to not be working for me was the field, which I usually can feel out pretty well.

All in all I won $555 in my quick hour at the craps table. Being back above water was invigorating. We had a quick 5 hour trip back to Houston on Monday and got back to the grind today. Certainly a fun trip, cant wait to go back!

Best quote of the trip: "I need the 'trouble with gambling?' phone number as my ATM pin number." One of us.

Impulse buy

Ok so heres the story of how I came to be in possession of a Country Music Legends autographed guitar.

It all started the Friday night before. We were all playing cards at a bar and proceeded to drink entirely too much alcohol. Being unable to drive back to Sugar Land, I crashed on Christine and Jonathans couch. I woke up Saturday morning in a daze. As I collected myself I had a bit of a dude, wheres my car moment. My keys were gone.

I came to find out that one of my other friends felt too cool or something to sleep on a random couch and proceed to drive my car home. So I am now car-less. Interestingly enough, I get a phone call from Taylor saying that he knows I dont have a car and would be willing to not only take me to Sugar Land but also to a free BBQ fundraising lunch being hosted by the Masons. In the back of my head I was certain this was going to be one of those cult meetings where they give you a weird hair cut and force you to drink kool-aid, but hey, cant pass up free BBQ.

So we get there and the food is delicious. They didnt have any kool-aid or any kind of punch or anything leaving me slightly disappointed. So I walked around a bit a looked at the various things that were in the so-called silent auction. Silent auctions never made much sense to me because it always seemed to have the loudest people crowded in a confined little space. Not seeing anything that particularly interested me, I prepared myself for the so-called live auction which involves people being as silent as possible lest they be confused with a person who actually wants to make a bid. I guess this is just one of those drive on parkways, park on driveways kind of things.

Anyway, it was at this point that Taylor and I saw the guitar. Let me just go ahead now and describe this thing to you. It is an S101 D41425BK acoustic guitar signed by Willie Nelson, Loretta Lynn, Kenny Rogers, Charlie Daniels, George Straight and BB King. Being the impulsive business man that I am, I immediately started scheming about how we could flip this thing. Surely we would be able to get it for way less than it is actually worth. So anyway, long story short, after convincing Taylor for like 20 minutes to go halfsies with me, we purchased it.

Now since I hope to eventually post a followup on this issue, I am not going to publish how much we paid for the guitar. The plan is as follows:

Step 1: Acquire Country Music Legends autographed guitar.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.

Last night I finally got around to taking some pictures of the thing and it is now up for sale on craigslist. I will be sure to let you guys know when I unload the thing and have a massive coke party or something.

So thats it, thats the story of how I came to be in possession of a Country Music Legns autographed guitar. The stars must have been perfectly aligned that day. Had I not gotten sloshed the night before, this most likely never would have happened and I would be living a life where I don't own a piece of Country Music Legends history. Alcohol truly is the cause and solution to all of life's problems.

On a related note, the stars were also aligned for another guy on the same day. This guy went to a live auction that his mom was catering and ended up buying a fighter jet. I tip my hat to you, good sir.

Thats all for now. Hopefully the follow up will be sooner than later. I would love to get this thing sold before my trip to New Orleans (yes, again) next Friday.