Pants are dumb

This blog post is about pants. I hate pants. I hate wearing them. I hate washing them. I hate folding them. Pants are the bane of my existence. It really does suck that pants are required attire in a professional environment. When I get home from work do I get a glass of water first? NO, I take my pants off. I understand that pants were a necessary item ten thousand years ago when mankind was scavenging for nuts and berries. They protected ones knees from scrapes and hid ones scent from attacking raptors. Just kidding, there is no hiding from an attacking raptor.

Pants are also dumb because of that phrase "We all put our pants on one leg at a time". What does that even mean? Who the hell cares how you put your pants on? The phrase should be "We all take our pants off both legs at a time because pants are dumb and no one likes wearing them".

Girls are lucky because they have the option of not wearing pants. They get to prance around in all manner of frictionless clothing like skirts and dresses. Plus, when a cool breeze comes through the door, it cools down their hoo-hah on a terribly hot day, which I can only imagine is pleasant. Pants block this breeze and instead only trap heat which means you are going to sweat all day.

Pants also suck while driving. They bunch up around the ass and knees and it means you constantly have to readjust your clothing while in traffic. I don’t think it is legal to drive while pantsless but it should be. If I am ever emperor of Earth, one of my first acts will be to allow vehicles to be driven while not wearing pants. Also, pants will be banned from my kingdom.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that there needs to be some innovation in the world of clothing. Pants had their day in the sun and it is time for them to be cast aside. Literally. Into a fire.

*Shout out to Christine for the inspiration for this post!