SNOW DAY!

Stop the presses, it is snowing in Houston! I'm so glad Global Warming™ decided to take today off.

None of it appears to be sticking to anything right now. But hopefully as the temperature drops we will see more of that. It is supposed to get into the mid-20's tonight which is pretty unheard of here in Houston. And believe me, if you thought traffic was bad when it rained, imagine those same people who are talking on the phone, doing their nails and eating nachos at the same time while driving...but also gawking at the snow. It is the perfect storm, so to speak, of traffic.

If I am able to take any good pictures I will put them up here. My cell phone camera is unable to capture the flakes with any kind of decent resolution. Hopefully enough of it sticks on the ground to have a good ol' fashioned drunken snowball fight!

Try to be safe out there, folks!

A Thanksgiving Poem

Twas the night before Thanksgiving
And just like the mail
There were drivers in the fast lane
Going slow as a snail.

With little regard
for their fellow man.
These people were oblivious
As if they were sitting on the can.

Talking on the phone
They forget how to drive
“Why go the speed limit
When I can go 35?”

As their exit approaches
They cross all four lanes
Not even a signal
Or a thought in their brains

I swerve to avoid them
Driving on only 2 tires
I shout at the top of my lungs
“May you die in a very large fire”.

Have a Fun and Safe Thanksgiving Everyone!

The Ottoman Empire

A couple of weeks ago I bought a ceiling fan to put in my living room. It was reasonably priced and I picked up a wireless switch for it as well. My living room is poorly ventilated for some reason and I figure that a ceiling fan will solve that. Having never put up a fan before, I was nervous about electrocuting myself and/or burning the entire building down. I was, in fact, so nervous that I have yet to put the darn thing up.

There is a plus side, however, to leaving the fan in the box. You see, I am currently employing the box as an ottoman. It just so happens to be the ideal height to be ridiculously comfortable. So yes, this whole post was written to inform you that I am currently using a ceiling fan box, with the fan inside, as furniture. Perhaps I should get it upholstered?

Jellyfish apocalypse

I’ve talked about the great zombie apocalypse quite a few times on this blog. For years I had figured that this would be the most logical way for the human race to go out. Recently, however, I have been hearing more and more reports about giant creatures of the sea near Japan that really having me rethinking my theory. I am talking, of course, about giant jelly fish. More specifically, the Nomura Jellyfish. One of these things recently sunk a 10 ton Japanese fishing trawler. If this news doesn’t have you shaking in your nuclear fallout shelter, then you might want to reassess your situation.

With these new terrifying reports in mind, I hope to be able to become as prepared for the jellyfish apocalypse as I made you for the inevitable zombie apocalypse that will be spawned by the LHC getting turned on.

Lucky for you if you have already read my zombie survival guide as it contains many of the same ideas as my jellyfish survival guide. To be perfectly honest, when thinking about terror from the sea, I had always pictured giant squid or some other kind of outer space potato man bringing mankind to its knees. Dolphins have also historically been near the top of the terror scale due to their devious clicking and shit eating grin. Perhaps we only overlooked jellyfish due to their habitual tendency to wash up on shore to die while posing moderate danger to unsuspecting humans who might accidentally walk on top of them with bare feet.

Your best bet in surviving a jellyfish apocalypse is to just stay the hell out of the ocean. My sources inform me that Jellyfish are a salt water species so swimming in lakes should be ok for now. Failing that, your best bet would be to get one bad ass spear or trident. Prepare for quite a battle, however, as these things are about 5 to 6 times the size of your average pathetic human. Once they grab a hold of you with their tentacles there is no letting go because they are made of jelly and jelly is strong.

Should jellyfish develop opposable thumbs and the ability to walk on dry land, humanity is, for lack of a better phrase, completely boned. (Get it? Because jellyfish have no bones! It’s a pun!) They will soon assimilate us into their society and make us their condiments to use on their crackers made of jelly. Our only hope at this point would be for a giant volcano made out of salt to erupt and rain down upon the unsuspecting jellyfish, rendering them completely dried out and possibly delicious.

Save for the volcano, jellyfish will inherit the earth. Our last line of defense would be for us to turn on the LHC and have the zombies declare and all out war on the jellyfish. In all honesty I haven’t run enough test simulations to see how this option would fare for humanity. All I know is that at least I have a sword which should give me a fighting chance against these things. Together with my crowbar, I have a pretty decent plan for surviving whatever zombie/jellyfish combination of apocali that mother nature throws at me.

Texas Renaissance Festival

So this past weekend I made a trip out to the Texas Renaissance Festival, or TRF for you cool people. This was my first ever trip to the TRF and I must admit that it was not entirely what I expected it to be. To be fair, however, my preconceptions of the event were founded entirely on that episode of King of the Hill which had Will Ferrell do a voice over as the Black Knight. To be perfectly blunt, I sort of expected it to be more “Medieval’y” and a little less “People wearing raccoon tails’y”.

I am not quite sure I understand the idea of wearing a tail on your otherwise normal attire. But, for some reason, this seemed to be one of the things that many of the people were doing. There were even a multitude of shops dedicated to tails. Needless to say, I did not participate in this. I’m not judging, I just don’t get it.

The food was pretty fantastic. Per the King of the Hill episode I mentioned earlier, I was anxious to purchase a turkey leg. In fact, due to the drive being about 2 hours, the food and beer dispensary was the first shop that we hit up. The turkey leg, sausage on a stick, cheesecake on a stick and funnel cake were absolutely delish. I am a big fan of food on a stick. It just makes life so much easier. It is one of the universe’s true tragedies that science has not come up with a way to put funnel cake on a stick. Let’s just say that if the cake had been on a stick, I would not have ended up with powdered sugar all over my right arm...

Anyway, one of the main reasons I wanted to go to the TRF was to hopefully acquire a sword with which to defend myself against zombies when the ammo runs out Mila Jovich style. I had wanted a sword ever since I was in England and saw how bad ass they were. I quickly realized that many of the more bad ass swords were entirely out of my price range. One sword in particular was so expensive because it was supposedly forged in the fires of Mount Doom by evil Lord Sauron himself. I decided that should the sword ended up being called on by its master that I would most likely be the one called upon to make the arduous journey to Mordor and return the thing from whence it came. And since the fall tv season is in full swing, I just can’t afford to make that kind of commitment right now.

So instead of dropping 2 grand for a really cool, unique, possibly cursed blade at Ye Olde Sworde Shoppe, I went with the more economical cheap knock off which has all the bad assness of the real thing, but doesn’t require me to make an epic journey with a wizard.

Moving along, I was intrigued by the jousting event. Having never seen a “real” one before, I was a bit disappointed by how fake it all seemed. Once again, my only knowledge of jousting comes from television and movies. I thought that the general purpose of the joust was to remove one’s opponent from his steed and then deliver the final blow to him with your sword. Yes, I realize that these people are actors and are not actually trying to kill each other but the cheesiness of the whole thing left a lot to be desired in my most humble opinion.

We walked around through all the shops and looked at a lot of over priced hats and then headed out. We hit up a chicken express on the way home and then perilously sat in Heather’s car as she freaked out to Tech getting blown out by A&M. It was terrifying to say the least. All in all it was a bizarre day. No where else can a full grown adult throw caution to the wind a let their ass hang out proudly in public. Oh, and there were storm troopers for some reason...

Halloween Champagne Campaign 2k9

The Champagne Campaign has finally arrived. After nearly a year, the goal of raising $200 through Google Adsense has been realized. With these proceeds, Christine and I will be purchasing 2 cases of top shelf Korbel Champagne for one bad-ass Halloween party.

You’re probably saying to yourself right now: “Damn, that DOES sound pretty bad ass.” And you would be right to do so. You might also be wondering if 2 cases of champagne is really needed. If that is the case, you can just go ahead right now and consider yourself uninvited, just like that dumb Alanis Morissette song.

If you have not received an e-vite by the end of the week and feel that this is in error, please feel free to let me know about your intention to attend and I will go through a rigorous process to determine your eligibility. Eligibility inquiries will be processed in the order they are received. Ability to drink trash can punch without throwing up all over everyone is a huge and pretty much the only requirement. In all seriousness, if I know you and you feel like this is the sort of shin dig you might want to be a part of, drop me a line (who says that anymore?) and I will let you know the details.

There will also be a costume contest with the winner walking away with a bottle of Champagne just for them. The pictures from this thing are bound to be the kind that prevent you from getting a job, so keep that in mind as well.

This event is a long time coming. Thanks again to all of you out there who read through my drivel week after week. I may have shamelessly phoned in a few posts over the past year, but your determination to keep reading nevertheless was truly inspiring to me. So kudos to you, the reader, for making this whole thing possible. Come out and enjoy the fruits of your labor this Halloween!

And now for the legal mumbo jumbo: No purchase necessary, unless you intend to attend. Friends and Family of the hosts are eligible to attend, and probably will. Must be 21 years of age and a legal US resident. Odds of winning are mathematically insignificant.

SEE YOU GUYS THERE!

Mike for manager

Well it is mid-October and the Major League Baseball playoffs are already in full swing. Congrats to the Yankees, Angels, Phillies and Dodgers for making it to the League Championship Series. Of course, as predicted, the Astros had a decidedly terrible season this year. Falling just short of the 100 games I predicted them to lose, the Astros finished off the season strong by getting swept by the Mets in the final 3 games of the season giving them a 74-88 record on the year.

Once the Astros were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, they proceeded to fire the manager Cecil Cooper because, as we all know, the manager is responsible for players hitting .200 and the bullpen giving up 5 run leads. Not the Astros ever had a 5 run lead, but that is beyond the point. In my most humble opinion, however, Cecil Cooper was not a very good manager. In no conceivable way should Kazuo Matsui have started as many games as he did. At the very least he should not have stayed in the 2 spot in the lineup as he was an almost guaranteed out every time.

Cooper also failed to get on to players like Carlos Lee when he would lazily waltz down the line when he "knew" he would be thrown out. Coopers starting pitching rotation also made me wonder what he could have possibly been thinking. Granted, the Astros were not very deep at the starting pitching position this year but come on, running Chris Sampson out there for 2 and 1/3 innings and basically starting the game in a 6 run hole is no way to manage a ball club. I would have honestly liked to have seen the Astros bring up more of their minor leaguers earlier in the season when it became apparent that they were in no way going to contend for anything.

So anyway, like I said, the Astros fired Cecil Cooper. Will it have any noticeable effect on the way the team plays? My hunch is that without the right replacement, the answer very well may be no. The team recently published their short list of managerial candidates. All of the usual suspects are there i.e.: other recently fired managers, players who have recently retired, Pete Rose, etc... One peculiarity was the fact that Phil Gardner was on the list. For those forgetful people out there, Phil Gardner was the guy who led the Astros to their first ever playoff series win in 2004 and subsequently led them to their first World Series appearance in 2005. I would like to throw in there at this point that I was actually in attendance for that first World Series game here in Houston. But I digress; the point is that none of these people should be given the role of manager. What then, Mike? Who will lead our beloved Astros to victory?

The answer is simple: me. Yes, me. I know I am blowing your mind right now but the fact is that I, quite frankly, would make a better manager than all of those people. Yes, even if they were combined to form some sort of autonomous super mutant manager. First, I would start with the chainsaw. I would take a similar approach that Ari Gold took when he bought his rivals company. I would literally walk up and down Minute Maid Park with a paintball gun and shoot anyone who would not be associated with the team anymore. This includes the entire bullpen and most of the starting lineup.

When I was done, the only people left on the team would be Michael Bourne, Lance Berkman, and Hunter Pence. I thought about keeping Oswalt but after 2 very sub par years, I think he may be past his prime. But that is it! I would then build an entire team around them from scratch. I figure that by trading the other big name players on our roster that we would be able to get a ass ton of minor leaguers full of promise. Sure, this next year would be what they call a "rebuilding year". Thats not to say that they would be incapable of making the playoffs. I mean, just look at the Rockies this year and the Marlins the past couple year. They've shown some real promise from guys who have only been in the league for a couple months.

There would also be penalties for not hustling. Don't want to run a ground ball out on your way to first? Bam, one game suspension. Let a ball drop in front of you because you dont feel like diving? You guessed it, one game suspension. All I am saying is that I would require my players to play the game like they actually give a damn what the outcome is.

Anyway, if anyone at the Astros' front desk is reading this, please consider me for the managerial position. Im sure you will find that my salary demands are quite reasonable. I would also like one of those large parking spaces with my name on it, none of that "compact cars only" crap. I won't be able to guarantee a return to the playoffs immediately, but I sure as hell will make sure the games are more entertaining to watch than consistent 3-0 losses. Thanks.

My Vegas travel guide

One week ago today, I returned from Las Vegas. Much like my trip last year, this trip was filled with its memorable moments. We spent a great deal more time gambling and less time sight seeing this go around compared to last year. With that in mind, I am not going to give a full recap of the trip. Instead, I will share with you a few of the lessons I learned while in Vegas. Hopefully these will come in handy to you should you ever visit sin city.

I just realized that this post is going to resemble a do's and don't list a la the Travel Channel. Just bear with me. Lol, bears.

DO visit the Minus 5 ice bar in Mandalay Bay. This place was really one of the highlights of the trip. For 35 bucks, they loan you a parka and stick you in this freezer where everything is made out of ice. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. The tables, chairs, shelves and bar were all made out of ice. Oh, also the cups. The 35 bucks gets you 2 drinks served up to you in tumbler glasses made of ice. When I asked what they do with the cups afterwards, the lady told me with a straight face that they put them in a giant frozen dishwasher. I'm pretty sure she was just joking though...

DON'T get a 100 ounce Long Island Iced Tea at Minus 5. This was probably the worst decision I made on the trip. Failure to heed this warning may result in you being unable to remember leaving Minus 5. It may then also result in you getting kicked out of the Luxor Casino for throwing up all over the casino floor while at the Pai Gow table. I, of course, did not experience that first hand, I just heard it from some random person.

DO throw the remainder of your money on the field at the craps table when you are dwindling on funds. The odds are good that a 2 or 12 will hit and triple your money back up to even. I actually witnessed this twice this trip and it is a guaranteed way to make your money back. Seriously, craps is a hell of a game. Unbelievably fun to play when there is a hot shooter and still only mildly depressing when you run into a cold one.

DON'T play 300 dollars on a single hand of blackjack. This is another one of those "I heard it from some random person" lessons. Just trust me on this one.

DO play the fortune bonus at the Pai Gow table. If you are like me and enjoy Pai Gow poker, quite frankly the only way to win money is to play the fortune bonus. Sure, you might get lucky and win a couple hands to go up a little, but the only sure fire way to win big is to hit the 7 card straight flush with no joker. It pays 30,000 to 1 so on a 5 dollar bet you are talking about $150k. While I was not lucky enough to hit that, I was able to hit 4 of a kind which paid a nice 25 to 1 which netted me a cool $125. Had I been playing the fortune last time in New Orleans, I would have won $750 on my royal flush. I'm never letting an opportunity like that go by again.
DO hit up the champagne brunch at Mandalay Bay. Last year we hit up Planet Hollywoods champagne brunch and were pretty blown away by it. I do have to say, however, that the one at Mandalay Bay edges it out barely in terms of quality and variety of food. You really cant go wrong with unlimited pre-cracked snow crab legs while sipping on mimosas can you?

DON'T go with your gut when it comes to sports betting. I'm convinced that the only way to win at sports betting is to take the same approach that George Costanza took during that episode of Seinfeld: Always do the opposite of what you think is right. Going against your intuition will mean you will take Oakland at +7 over the Chargers and the Bills at +10.5 over the Patriots. I will try this approach next time and let you know how it works out.

Speaking of next time, it appears that I will be headed back to Vegas on or around the 6th of June next year. In the meantime I am pretty burnt out on taking vacations. Traveling all over the place over 5 times this year has taken its toll. And while I wont rule out a quickie trip down to Lake Charles or something, I can safely say that I wont be making any more big trips for a while.

All in all it was a great vacation. Contrary to all of our beliefs, we actually played beer pong in the hotel room and had bacon and eggs in the morning. I would recommend staying at the Jockey Club. We got a great deal and the place even had a little mini-mart in the lobby that was reasonable priced. There was also no silverware was stolen from any restaurants this trip nor were there any bloody noses. I'm already looking forward to the next trip out there....

Finally football

Ok, wow, super late on posting anything lately mainly due to my trip to Vegas this past weekend. While I do plan on giving that a good write up perhaps later next week, it will not be the focal point of this post. Were here today to talk mainly about football, more specifically how the Texans season is already over, how the Bills and Raiders decided to not be the Bills and Raiders on opening night and why Adrian Peterson is not human.

First off, the Texans. For some reason or another, the Texans managed to secure the spot of pre-season "sleeper" status. How this managed to happen I have no idea. Watching both the FOX and CBS pregame shows unanimously pick the Texans to not only win the game but also be playoff contenders pretty much sealed the deal for their season. Matt Schuab took a play out of David Carrs book and proceeded to throw for a measly 18 for 33 with 160 yards. Steve Slaton built on his solid rookie year by carrying the ball 9 times for an incredible 17 yards.

I really had high hopes for the Texans this year. I really did. I guess I just got sucked up in the hype that they would be a playoff contender this year. However, after this past Sunday's performance, finishing at .500 would be nothing short of a miracle. I will still watch them and hope that they do well, but it wouldnt surprise me if they finished 5-11, 6-10 at best. Perhaps I already knew deep down this would happen since I decided that betting the Texans at -7 was probably going to be a bad idea.

On the complete opposite side of the spectrum we have the Buffalo Bills and the Oakland Raiders. Perennial losers, these teams managed to cost me 100 bucks with their sudden lack of horrible play. At +10.5 and +7 respectively, these games were two of my locks that I had picked before even heading out to Vegas. The bills were playing the freaking Patriots! I figured Tom Brady would come back from being out last year and throw for 9 TDs and 4 thousand yards. G'luck. Brady looked very rusty and the Bills were going down the field every possession with ease. Oakland pretty much did the same against the Chargers. Both teams played well above their expectations and still lost, just not by the correct amount of points I needed for a win.

All was not lost however as the Cowboys and the Vikings both covered. Not too much to say about the Cowboys, they played well against an ok Tampa Bay team and got the win easily. The Vikings are another story altogether. Adrian Peterson is going to single handedly win the Super Bowl for them. Book it, done. He was annihilating the Browns defense like he had the Madden settings on super rookie mode. They would have scored another 8 or 9 times if Favre hadnt attempted to throw the ball so damn much. The Vikings are legit and Adrian Peterson will be your 2010 MVP.

I, quite frankly, watched a lot of football this weekend and is a lot more that I am not going to cover here like the Patriots and Broncos final drives. Those have been written about to death over on ESPN and the like. I will go ahead and give a shout out to the Houston Cougars. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was telling me that I needed to take more medication if I thought that the Cougs would beat Oklahoma State, let alone cover the 16 point spread. Not only did they win, they won handily by 10 points. Great way to start the season and now they are ranked 21 in the nation. Beating Texas Tech next week would really start to raise some eye brows nationally if they haven't already been raised.

And with the start of the NFL season, I officially bid farewell to the Astros who I will no longer be following. Here's to the next 3 months of nearly non interrupted football awesomeness. From the looks of it, it's going to be a great season.

The Hunt for Red Accord

When we were children, we were promised many things. Flying cars. Teleporters. Jetpacks. Man walking on the moon. We were told that these things we all but a certainty. Of course, we now realize that all of the aforementioned things were merely the pipe dreams of a baby boomer generation that had failed to accomplish very much at that point. Well I thought it was time for me to come up with a fantastical idea of my own that is truly awesome yet has no chance of ever being made.

Nowadays we have all this cool voice activated stuff in our cars. Voice activated dialing, music volume control and various other commands. I want to take it a step further and make all aspects of driving voice activated. Accelerating, braking, steering, wipers, blinkers and gear shifters would all be voice activated. This would enable people to do what they really want to do while driving, namely anything other than concentrating on driving.

I then want to take it a step further and add themes. In particular, I want to issue submarine themed commands to control my vehicle. Unfortunately, if you are not familiar with submarine movies, the following will almost certainly fly over your head.

For starters, I might want to start my car by saying something similar to: "make ready the vehicle, secure all hatches. Stow all luggage and soft drinks."

To begin driving to my destination I might utter: "Set your course to Whataburger, make your speed 35 knots, drive drive drive".

In the event I was cut off by an unruly driver I might wish to give the command of: "Sound the alarm, one honk only please."

If I were to find myself driving through a rainstorm, the following command would be given: "Set wipers to medium, engage the rear defrosts."

Should cars of the future be able to fire nuclear warheads I might issue the following order: "Set condition 1SQ for strategic missile launch. Spin up missiles 1-5 and 20-24. The use of nuclear weapons have been authorized. This is not a drill"

Should the car ever disobey or question a command, I would simply dismiss the AI by saying "you're relieved" and then proceed to take manual control over the car.

All orders would be read back in full by the in car AI, voiced by Sam Neil of course, and then followed by "aye aye sir." The headlights will also be capable of flashing morse code in the event of me ever wanting to defect. And, of course, should my car be fatally totaled in an accident, its last words to me would be something along the lines of: "I would like to have seen Montana." Of course, if I had in fact driven the car through Montana at some point, another Sam Neil quote would have to suffice here...

I do suppose other themes could be made for those out there who don't necessarily want to issue naval commands. However since they would in no way be as awesome, I have decided not to list them here. Hopefully my idea of the future will become more of a reality than the ones I was told as a kid.

Not much going on

Not too much to report on lately. I took my CHL class this Saturday. It was a bit of a drag going from 7:30am to 6:30pm but learned some valuable information nonetheless. In celebration of finally getting off my ass and taking the course, I treated myself to a brand new Glock 27 that I picked up at the Pasadena Gun Show Sunday afternoon. In case you dont already know, the Glock 27 is a .40 caliber subcompact semi automatic pistol which should be a perfect equilibrium between power and size in terms of concealment for personal protection.

In other news, the Accord is holding up well. After putting nearly 750 miles on it on the recent trip to New Orleans, I averaged about 29.5 mpg with 4 people. This is considerably more mileage than I could have ever dreamed of in the Exploder which would barely hit 20 mpg on a downhill slope. All in all Im still really happy with the purchase. Still feeling the hit to the bank account a little bit though...

My love, hate, love, really hate, love relationship with the xbox 360 continues. I have it in a condition right now where it will run most of the time with little to no screen tearing. By condition, I mean it is currently sitting on my coffee table without its case with a large room fan blowing on it constantly. Occasional screen tearing can be remedied by pressing down on the center of the motherboard which only strengthens my belief that warping of the board is one of the main reasons so many of the xbox 360s break in the first place. With the recent price drop, I am seriously considering just biting the proverbial bullet and picking up a new one. We will just have to see how much more I can take with the current model.

Next Saturday I will be making my return to Las Vegas. After last years awesomeness, I have no reason to doubt this trip will be any less satisfactory. This go around we decided to rent a condo on the strip in lieu of staying at one of the casino resorts. This was done for several reasons, the main one being we have more people this go around and will be able to fit everyone in one condo instead of having to worry about multiple hotel rooms. Champagne brunch is definitely on the agenda as well as sipping mimosas at the sports book on Sunday. The Sunday we are there is opening day for the NFL so expect me to lose several hundred dollars betting on guaranteed locks. (Still cannot believe I lost that Giants bet last year...)

So thats pretty much it. Long weekend coming up means smoking a pork shoulder this Sunday. Nothing, and I mean nothing, taste better than a pulled pork sandwich smothered in cole slaw on a kaiser roll bun. Add in some potato salad and some beans, garlic bread and baby you got yourself a BBQ going. Champagne Campaign is on the horizon as well as soon as Christine gets her hundred bucks. If I was a betting man, and I think it's clear that I am, I would say that the easy money would be on the event taking place some time in mid October. If consuming 40 bottles of cheap champagne is wrong, I dont want to be right.

More New Orleans fun

I had another awesome weekend in New Orleans. Now having been there 5 times in the past year or so, I have honestly never found myself to be bored of it. The place is like a mini Vegas that just so happens to be within reasonable driving distance.

Anyway, while I was there I witnessed quite a few things at the casino. For starters, I had a pretty ridiculous hot streak at craps while playing the Dont Pass line. Shooters were making their point and then sevening out almost immediately. Even my two dollar high-low bet was hitting pretty often netting me 29 dollars each time. The hard ways were more or less not hitting and I stopped playing them a couple hours in. I netted about $350 that first night.

Not content to let the good times stop, I started right back where I left off the following day. This time around, however, I encountered one of the coldest (for a dont pass player) tables I have ever been at. Shooters were hitting 7's and 11's on the come out role very consistently, never once crapping out on that second day. Even usually solid points like 4 and 10 were being hit over and over. I lost $200 and decided to pretty much call an end to gambling for the trip while still being up.

Several drinks later, I was persuaded to play some Pai-Gow since there were actually a few spots open at the table. While at the table, I proceeded to get a royal flush on one of my hands. Had I been betting the 5 dollar fortune bonus (sucker bet), I would have netted $750. A true tragedy indeed. I ended up only winning about 50 bucks at the table before I decided to call it quits. I actually ended up at the craps table 1 more time so see if my luck had changed. Sure enough, it hadnt and I ended up losing another hundred bucks to finish the trip up only about $120. Still good, but could and should have been better if I had just called it quits earlier. When in Rome, I guess.

Anyway, the coolest part of the trip was watching Jonathan turn 40 dollars into 700 dollars at the blackjack table in just a mere 5 or 6 hands. It was absolutely incredible. He walked up to the table just to "waste the 40 bucks" he had so we could leave and go get food. His first bet of 25 dollars won so he let it ride. Blackjack, 75 dollar win. Now betting 100 dollars a hand, he wins again and then once more. He now has about 300 bucks locked up and he is ready to call it quits. He throws out his remaining money less the 300 he is walking away with and gets dealt aces. Now, per basic blackjack strategy, he decided to split the aces. The dealer counts out the money he has bet and informs him it is $126.50. After putting out another $126.50 for the split, he proceeds to blackjack one of the aces and get a 19 on the other one. The dealer turned up 17 and he won both hands. After all the dust had settled, he walked away with some 700 dollars from the table all in about 5 minutes of playing time.

So ya, the casino was awesome as usual. During the course of the weekend I also met Doyle Brunson at a restaurant and got him to sign a 5 dollar bill for me. So awesome. I also had one of the nastiest vomits I have ever had in my entire life. The orange Mango Mango slushy with the shine in it is what did me in. My accord got 30 mpg during the trip which I was pretty happy with. All in all, a fantastic trip. Can't wait to go back!

Also, I finally made some of that internet money. AdSense deposited 100 bucks into my account this morning. Thanks to all of you who are making the Champagne Campaign a reality!

School traffic

Kids start going back to school next week. While this time of year generally sparks the turnover from young kids to old troll people serving you at fine fast food establishments, it also bring about change in another less obvious way. Traffic. Yes, for some unknown reason, kids going back to school creates traffic during the morning and drive home commute in a way that cannot currently by explained by science or phases of the moon.

Without a doubt you have surely encountered this phenomenon if you travel on any freeway in the Houston area. I only specifically say Houston because it is quite possible that this is merely a localized event characterized by the sort of people who live in these parts. If that is the case, perhaps an episode of "In Search Of with Leonard Nimoy" on the History Channel is in order. If he is able to persuade a massive audience about the possible existence of the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, I have no doubt he will turn up compelling evidence that will pose new questions about this traffic phenomena.

My own personal theory, however, will now be explained with very little to no scientific research on the topic. In a way, you could call this whole post purely speculative and highly misinformed.

My idea is that the whole thing is a conspiracy conjured up by the oil companies to keep gas prices high during the latter part of the so called "summer driving season". I realize that I am getting into some serious stuff right here and also the fact that they could flood the chamber with gas at any point. Nevertheless, those responsible must know that their plans are now out in the open. You see, what do gas companies love more than anything else in the world? Thats right, money. And how do they get that money? By shaking down school children in the parking lot for their lunch money, thats how.

Once the kids have no more money, they call home and request further funding for their daily sustenance. Parents currently on the freeway are forced to turn around and return to the school to give their kids more money. So you see, the parents who dropped their kids off early in the morning are returning to the school at the same time as the slacker parents who drop their kids of right before the bell rings leaving all parties involved getting back onto the freeway at the exact same time as one another.

I realize that I am probably blowing your minds right here. Leonard Nimoy would surely be proud of what I have uncovered. I know what you are all asking, "Mike, do you have proof?" The simple answer to that is no. The long, detailed answer would also probably lead you to conclude the same. Regardless, the message is now out here on the internets. No longer will you have to wonder why there is miserable traffic on the freeway from September to June. Of course, I suppose you could also just chalk it up to people taking a lot of vacation during the summer months. But sadly, that is not the kind of breaking news that the people are looking for.

Im off to Pei Wei for lunch.

My new car

Well I did it. Yesterday I purchased a 2009 Honda Accord. While the Volvo VT 880 would have provided an excellent opportunity to cruise the streets of Houston, I decided that the economics of it simply were not feasible.

Thanks to the "Cash for Clunkers" government program, I was able to get a pretty slick deal on the Accord. After looking at both the Toyota Camry and Nissan Altima, the Accord was the hands down winner possessing the pros of both cars with none of the cons. The Accord is very roomy and has quite a lot of giddy-up. In fact, the only real thing I dont like about the car in the driver seat. After more than 10 years of sitting on a 4 inch think piece of foam, it is going to take a while to get used to these new less comfortable seats. They just dont make em' like they used to amirite?

The best part of the transaction yesterday was the turning over of my clunker to the dealership and having to explain all the caveats and quirks. Somewhat ironically, the clicker that unlocks the doors to my Explorer died just yesterday leaving the car completely inaccessible save for the only working key latch on the car which happens to be the trunk. I also had to explain how to hold down the alarm override switch while turning the ignition in order to start the car. Those features will not be missed.

I was able to get the salesman into the "come on, guy, you're breaking my balls here" mode so I walked away feeling as if I had done the haggling to the best of my ability. I named my price and after several tense negotiations, I got it. The whole experience was quite exhilarating.and I did the whole thing on an empty stomach. There was quite a bit of the old "Well my manager ain't going to agree to that" and all that other nonsense. I was a bit disappointed that he never offered to"throw in the under coating for free" or anything else like that you usually see on tv.

When I got the car home, I learned that it had an Emergency Trunk Release. I proceeded to hop into the back of the trunk and test it out to see if it worked. It did. In hindsight, this should have been something I tested out at the dealership. Imagine how funny it would be to get in the trunk, test out the release and then in a dead pan manner ask the sales guy if there was any way for it to be disabled and that it would be a deal breaker if you could not. Hilarity surely would have ensued.

So now I have my new car. Hopefully I am able to drive it into the ground the same way as I did with my Exploder. Would I have purchased a car if it were not for the government rebate program? Probably not. I most likely would have continued to dump massive sums of money into my Exploder until it simply ceased to run anymore. I am feeling pretty good to go with the car. Here's to another 120,000 miles.

My semi goes 185

It appears that my beloved 1998 Ford Explorer Sport may be getting past its prime a bit. Several, if not all, of my friends continue to utter phrases like "get rid of that POS already" and "should your car be making that high pitch noise?" and "way to destroy the environment, asshole". Ok that last one not so much. Either way, I have decided to at least consider the idea of purchasing a new car.

Now when going to the dealership, I plan on employing the George Costanza approach to buying a car. "You never tell 'em you like the car. You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here. Youll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, youre on your back like a turnip. No matter what they say, you say, "Ill walk out of here right now!"" This method should work well due to the fact that I really have nothing wrong with my current vehicle. Sure it requires a little diligent maintenance every once in a while, but certainly nothing that would prevent me from using it on a day to day basis.

Nay, the main reason I am looking at this point in time is the "Cash for Clunkers" program that our government has so graciously provided. Under the plan, I could get up to $4500 dollars for trading my car in for a more fuel efficient car. This value is far more that I could realistically get under a normal trade in which would probably be in the area of only $1000 on a good day.

So with that in mind, I have lined up several candidate cars for which I will test drive in the coming days and weeks. Behold:

2010 Toyota Camry
This is the obvious winner right out of the gate. Solid fuel efficiency, great safety ratings and a general feeling of swankyness. The sun roof is a bit worrisome as it would be one extra entry point for zombies that I would have to fortify. Im not sure if the 2.4L 4 cylinder engine would have the power needed to plow through the hoard of zombies either. This car also features adequate cargo room to hold several days rations of food and or weapons. After all incentives plus the money from the Cash for Clunkers program, the price wouldnt be unbearable either. All in all, I would rate it as 2/5 on the zombie survival scale and 4/5 on the bang for the buck scale.

2010 Nissan Murano
This is an interesting car. While not possessing the same fuel efficiency standards of the camry, the Murano does put up some good numbers for a Mid-sized SUV. It is also considerably more pricey starting out at around $30k. However, you would be able to store many more supplies in the event of the zombie apocalypse. The engine is also more powerful which would come in hand should you run into any hordes of mindless zombies that need to be plowed through. If I decide that I cannot make the downsize from SUV to sedan, this will most likely be my pick. 3/5 on the zombie survival scale. 5/5 on the pain to my wallet scale.

Volvo VT 880
Our final candidate comes to us from our friends at Volvo. The VT800 is your standard top of the line Semi-truck. Equipped with a 16-liter, 600-hp Volvo D16 engine, I would have the extra muscle needed to move heavier loads or doubles over long distances and up steep grades. And with over 520 cubic feet of living space in your choice of beautifully coordinated interior design packages, you know youll be riding in style. Sure it may not get a high MPG score but with 300 gallons of fuel to use, who cares? This is the ultimate in zombie survival. It will also guarantee you being noticed by the shawtys as you roll by in your 40 inch spinnaz. The price is a bit steep at $120k. And Im pretty sure that this car will not qualify for the Cash for Clunkers program. Never the less, 5/5 on the zombie survival score. 5/5 on the awesomeness score.

Anyway, I now have to get out there and test drive all these things. Do a little haggling and come out with the best bang for the buck as well as zombie survival preparedness. Ill keep you updated.

Bloodsport review

So over the weekend, I had the opportunity to watch a movie that I had not seen in a long time. In fact, I only realized that I had indeed seen it before when the final scene of the movie began to transpire. The move I watched was Bloodsport: a Jean-Claude-Van-Damme film about fighting ninjas or something.

I only say or something because I really have no idea what the movie as about. From what I could tell, the plot was something to the effect of a secret under ground fight club similar to mortal combat. The kind of fight where 2 men would enter the ring and one man would leave. Then the other man would leave after being declared the winner. That part I understood just fine.

There was also some kind of knock-out-time record that meant something to some of the fighters.

No it was the random cut scenes between the fights that truly threw me off. For instance, after one of the aforementioned fights, the camera faded away to some random guy next to the ring, a person we have never been introduced to mind you, who then proceeds to pick up all the teeth that were knocked out from the previous fight. Oh, he also puts them in his mouth to see if they fit. Then the scene ends and we never see that guy again. Who were you after-fight-teeth-collecting guy, we hardly knew ye? If I had to put a number on it I would say that the movie only had about 30 minutes of actual plot related story telling.

There was also some reporter chick. They never really explained her either.

Ok so thats all well and good but I did actually learn something from this movie. That being that one can defeat an enemy even after magic dust is thrown in your eyes. In the final fight of the movie, Van-Dammes character is about to finish off his opponent when at the last second, magic dust temporarily blinds him. I say temporarily because after Van-Damme goes on to still beat the ever living piss out of the bad guy he is miraculously able to see again.

All in all, a decent flick if only for the horrible acting involved. It really is a shame that they dont make movies like this anymore. Also, why hasnt Jean-Claude been in anything recently? Surely he could get a gig mocking himself the way Steven Seagal has recently... Perhaps that would be too much of a Double Impact?

Best line of the movie was from Van-Damme's opponent in the final scene: "You break my record, I break you." I seriously would have been laughing my ass off had my opponent said that to me. Leave it to Stone Cold Van-Damme to keep the ice running through his veins.

Achievement unlocked

Thats right, I have achieved what Microsoft Support wanted to charge me 100 dollars for: Fixing my broken Xbox 360. This is more or less a follow-up to my salute to power tools post. For those of you interested, here is the story of what went down.

It all started about 3 weeks ago. I was playing the Point Lookout DLC pack for Fallout 3 when the hue on my screen changed to a bright green color. Immediately chalking it up to a glitch in the game, I powered down the 360 and turned it back on. Everything appeared kosher at first until the same green hue enveloped my entire Xbox dashboard. It was at this time that I began to realize that there might be something wrong internally. I turned it off for the night thinking it just had to cool down for a while or something.

The next morning before work I turned it on just to see if the problem was still there. Sure enough, it was. The strange part of the whole thing was that the Xbox was not Red Ringing. Everything appeared to be working normally save for the green hue on the screen. After fiddling with it later that night, the video output from the Xbox cut out completely. Still no Red Ring, however. I could tell that the Xbox was still working because I could still hear the audio in the background.

I started to look up on the internets if anyone else was experiencing a similar problem and discovered that very few people were. In fact, I was only able to find maybe 6 or 7 posts on random forums with folks who had the same problem that I did. Apparently Red Ringing is very popular, green hue/loss of video output not so much. It was at this time that I began looking in to sending it off to Microsoft for repair. After all, from what I have heard, they have to fix nearly 1 out of every 3 Xboxs that were manufactured.

After talking with a service rep, I was told that since my Xbox was not Red Ringing, it was not covered under the warranty that had been extended to those who had the Red Ring problem. Therefore, since my Xbox was out of warranty, I would have to cough up 100 bucks plus shipping to get it fixed not to mention take up to 6 weeks to get back to me. Ya thanks, but no thanks. Surely the internets had a better solution...

I scoured the intertubes for a couple days to determine what the best solution to my problem was. Eventually, I found a kit on ebay that looked pretty legit for only 6 dollars. The kit consisted of 8 screws, 16 nylon washers and 16 metal washers. The idea behind it is that these screws would replace the crappy x-clams that were holding the heat-sinks down on the motherboard. The instructions also called for "baking" which involved turning the Xbox on for about 2 and a half minutes without the fans on until it overheated. Supposedly this re-melts the solder under the chip and forces it back into position permanently.

So after doing all of this yesterday I was pretty hesitant to get my hopes up. In all honesty I fully intended on going to Super Target later in the day and purchasing a new Xbox if my plan failed to work. You could not have imagined my surprise when I flipped on that switch and saw the Xbox logo on the TV. Sheer jubilation ensued, I once again had a working Xbox. This goes to show you what a few power tools and kits on the internet can get you. I cannot possibly imagine how people got stuff done before the internet was invented.


Anyway, after dealing with the screws that led me to use the power tools I described in an earlier post, I decided to not put a single screw back in the stupid thing. My Xbox is now held together only by the outer plastic shell. Hopefully the fix I made was permanent and I never have to open it up again. If it does end up breaking again I will just probably go buy a new one. Either way, it was pretty fun to fix it myself. Now if only there were achievement points to be had for doing this....

A salute to power tools

Since the dawn of time, mankind has faced one major problem: Stripped screw heads. Our story begins in the days of yore when a young gentleman name Mr. Torx decided that he wanted to invent a classification of screw that would enable propitiators of hardware to dissuade their customers from tampering with their manufactured devices. One of the benefits of this new Torx screw was that repeated tightening and un-tightening or simply using the wrong sized tool would render the screw useless therefore locking the device up forever.

Undeterred, civilization did what it has always done in the face of an insurmountable challenge: build something that could destroy anything. Realizing that a newly purchased device made impossible the idea of tinkering around inside by use of several Torx screws, a young lad by the name of Mr. Dremel came along and invented the Dremel Tool. This was the equivalent of entering the Imperial Age in Age of Empires 2 or when those monkeys learned how to beat other monkeys with bones in the film 2001: A Space Odyssey. No longer would man be held hostage by the grip of repressive technology.

It was in this spirit that I, yesterday, exercised my ability to defeat the Torx screw. After repeated attempts at brute force, the screw I was attempting to remove was smoothly hollowed out. I was nearly ready to admit defeat. Being at my last resort, I unleashed the destroyer of worlds. The only device capable of removing the head of a screw in a matter of seconds. Indeed within mere minutes I had grinded the head of the screw down to nothing. Spraks flew in every direction and the noise was defaning. Yes, I wore eye protection. I was also drinking a beer, so I consider that to be a push on safety. You never want to be TOO safe, after all.

At this very moment I am writing my senator requesting an official holiday to celebrate the life of one Mr. Bill Dremel. Too long has his great work gone unappreciated on large scale. Thank you, Mr. Dremel. Thank you for the greatest gift of all, the ability to remove whatever gets in our way at any cost.

At the very least, give the guy a "real men of genius" Bud Light commercial or something...

Auto-tune my life

The time has finally come for me to join the 21st century and get one of these high tech smart phones that all the cool kids have. Hell, even the super lame emo kids have them. I've been stuck with POS phones for all my life. Not wanting to ride on the fanboy Apple train and being hindered by the fact that I use the Sprint network, there was never a phone out there that I yelled WANT at. The cool folks at Palm have solved that dilemma with the introduction of the Palm Pre.

Here is a nice little link to familiarize yourself with what I am getting.

With that in mind, many of you might now be asking "That's so awesome Mike, but what kinds of awesome things are you going to do with your new phone?" The answer is simple, auto-tuning. Yes, auto-tuning. The miracle software that makes Ashleeeee Simpson sound like shes not singing with cinder blocks in her throat. It also makes Kanye West eat fish sticks. My new goal in life is going to be to somehow add this to my phone so that I can converse with at all the shawtys in a sweet melodic tune.

I imagine that all my phone calls will go something like this in the future:

Hello, shawty, we can meet up at the mall (at the mall)
Browse around at the bookstore
Mentally ball until we fall

I am doing this for the sole reason of why anyone does anything: teh lolz. I actually got the idea for this by watching a video on YouTube, so I felt it was only fair to give them credit. Check out their video below. Ill let you guys know if this dream of mine ever comes to fruition.

Rib-pendence Day 2k9

Well we are now officially half way through 2009 already. Coincidentally, today is also Canada Day which is sort of like Independence Day here in the US. According to Wikipedia, Canada Day is a federal statutory holiday celebrating the anniversary of the 1 July 1867 enactment of the British North America Act, which united Canada as a single country of four provinces. Lovely. So bust out the Molson and Canadian Mist tonight while kicking back and think about how much Canada has influenced your life.

Now if Canada Day reminds us of one thing it is this: July 4th must be right around the corner. Leave it to those crafty Canadians to have their holiday serve as a reminder to us, otherwise oblivious Americans, that our national day of celebration is nigh. Independence day gives everyone in America a free pass to get drunk in public and blow stuff up with fireworks all while eating as much BBQ as humanly possible.

With that in mind, I present to you the event I will be partaking in on the 4th of July: Rib-pendence Day 2k9. In case you are having trouble grasping the idea behind the name, I will go ahead and break it down for you. You see, July 4th is Independence Day. And ribs are delicious. When you combine the two, you a day full of drinking, swimming, rib pong and independence. In effect, we will be going America all over everyone's asses. Feel free to join in on the fun.

With the year now half way over, it is important to look back and ponder where the hell the first half went. My guess, Canada. They're very crafty.

Have a safe and fun July 4th everyone!

Bad week for celebrities

It has been a tough week for celebrities. The anecdote that deaths happen in threes appears to have kick us in the butt once again. As I am writing this I am eating a spare egg roll, keep that in mind,

The losses of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson have once again showed how poorly the media handles stuff like this. Their deaths, while tragic, have been the focus of the 24 hour cable news networks for the entire week. The coverage generally follows this format:

Anchor: Ok were now joined by people who kinda sorta knew the deceased, welcome.

Guests1 and 2: Thank you Tom, great to be here.

Anchor: Ok so why dont you tell us all what you remember most about the deceased?

Guest 1 and 2: Blather on for 5 or 6 minutes about how awesome the deceased was while also reminding everyone how hard their struggle to be famous was at the outset.

Anchor: Lovely, thank you once again for being here. Ok we now go live to a breaking news story with Lynn Jacobs, Lynn?

Lynn: Thanks Tom, Im standing here live where I can now report that Megan Fox is bi-sexual. Sending it back to you Tom.

Anchor: Fascinating stuff. Next up, do bees think? A new study concludes that, no, they do not.


I actually had such a good time writing that up that I considered adding considerably more to it. Luckily for you, I had finished eating my egg roll and grew tired of typing. I hope the tune of that Sarah Mclaughlin song "I will remember you" was in the back of your head while you read this post. If not, well, it should have been. I suppose Green Days "Time of you Life" might have been sufficient as well. That is all.

Morbo wishes these storward nomads peace among the Dutch tulips.
-Morbo

The big time

Well, it has finally happened. I apparently, have made it to the big time. If you recall, earlier this week I wrote an article about how aliens will be pretty upset about not being able to see Game 5 of the NBA Finals due to the DTV transition. It now looks like my post was intriguing enough to be expanded upon by other, larger websites. Need proof? I direct your attention to the following Space.com post: Aliens Lose in Switch to Digital TV.

Now I know what it feels like to break a hard hitting news story like this to the masses. I suppose now I just have to sit back and wait for the journalism job offers to come rolling in. It's champagne and caviar from here on out folks!

Pissing off aliens

Well I guess it should have been obvious, but it appears that David Stern does indeed read my blog and had to go out of his way to ensure that my prediction would not come to be. So, like most of you last night, I watched game 5 of the NBA finals and realized pretty early on that it was going to be the Lakers walking away with the title. And if I believed that the NBA wasnt rigged, I would also have to applaud the Rockets for giving the Lakers the most amount of trouble in the playoffs this year.

There is a group, however, who will most likely never be able to watch game 5. Im talking, of course, about aliens. Let me go ahead and drop some science on you real quick. On Saturday, June 13th, all television stations in the US were mandated to switch over to an all digital format which effectively terminating the constant stream of analog broadcasting that had been emanating from Earth the past 70 or so years. Those 70 years of information will continue outward in the universe forever, available for any alien species to eavesdrop on.

Being overly conservative and assuming that we are the only intelligent species in our galaxy and also assuming that every galaxy has at least 1 species of our level of intelligence, I think it is safe to say that in no more than 3 million years there are going to be some pretty pissed off aliens. Think how pissed you would be if had to suffer through 2 months of basketball playoffs without ever knowing how they ended. In the aliens version of Wikipedia, Saturday, June 13th would be the day that human civilization bit the bullet.

In order to prepare for the eventuality of aliens coming to Earth in the future and demanding to watch the remainder of the 2009 NBA Finals, we can look to Futurama for advice. In the episode "When Aliens Attack", space aliens from Omicron Persei 8 are outraged when Earths broadcast of Single Female Lawyer is abruptly cut off due to a power failure. They proceed to fly to Earth and demand to know how the episode ends. However, since the episode aired on Earth over 1000 years ago, there is no copy available and the crew is forced to reshoot the final scenes at Planet Express. No doubt we will have to do something similar. And, somewhat ironically, we will have to stage a basketball game in very much the same way it is staged now.

I cant imagine how much ad money I would have if this blog were still being read 3 million years in the future.....

NBA finals prediction and more

Right, well we havent had any kind of sports talk in a while so I figured I would take a few minutes of your time to explain what has been on my mind. Enjoy.

Ok, so the NBA finals. Did anyone else even know there was a game on last night? I sure as hell didnt. From what I can remember, the first game was last Thursday night, then mysteriously, there was not a game until Sunday. In fact, the only reason I discovered it was on was by being at a bar that actually had the game on. Now, fair enough, it is no secret that I am no NBA fan, mostly due to the rigging of games, etc. However, did anyone think that there was a chance in hell that Orlando was not going to win the game last night? Of course not, and if you look even closer you will notice that they conveniently covered the spread of four points only by having a foul call in the closing seconds of the game when it was clearly already over. How very convenient indeed.

I know, I know, I am crazy. My prediction is this for the rest of the series:

Game 4: Orlando ties the series up 2-2 in a blowout.

Game 5: Los Angles narrowly avoids losing at home in 4th quarter nail biter.

Game 6: Back in Orlando with the Lakers up 3-2, the Magic win handily.

Game 7: Game 7 in Los Angles, because you cant have a Finals Playoff Extravaganza without it being in Los Angeles. This is the only wild card that is left. I actually have no idea who the NBA wants to win this game. But whoever it is, will. Guaranteed.

Either way, Im glad Hockey and Basketball are finally nearing their conclusion. Unfortunately, as I predicted earlier this year, the Astros stink out loud and pretty much have nothing to look forward to the rest of the year. Luckily, football (both NCAA and NFL) is just around the corner. Could this be the year that the Texans make the playoffs? Possibly. This city would go absolutely nuts if they did.

Only one thing for sure is certain, Houston sports need to step back up to the plate. We had a great run from 1995 until 2005 and from there it all went back to the craptastic 80s and early 90s. Can someone please make me the GM of one of these franchises already so I can get the ball rolling? Id surely appreciate it, thanks.

"Horse racing is animated roulette."
-Roger Kahn

Weekend at the beach

Well it was another exhausting weekend. Still pretty sleep deprived from the trip to New Orleans, I very reluctantly decided to go out for happy hour in midtown on Friday with promises from everyone involved that it would not turn into "one of those nights". And since "those nights" are pretty much the norm when hanging out with the folks that I do, I was skeptical to say the least. My fears were realized early on when the shots of patron started flowing only 15 minutes in. I made my friend, who shall remain nameless, promise me that we would leave no later than 10:00 since we had a big day at the beach planned for Saturday. Needless to say, that didnt happen and I finally got home around midnight.

I got up around 10 and started getting ready to go to the beach for the 23rd Annual AIA Sandcastle Competition. Learning my lesson from last year, I purchased some uber powerful SPF50 sun tan lotion to protect me from once again getting the worst sunburn of my life. This stuff was so powerful that Im pretty sure it gave the sun a mike burn. Anyway, after arriving in Galveston, I had to wait in line for nearly an hour to park. The crew that was working the lot were a bunch of yahoos, who wouldnt know a parking lot from a popsicle.

So I finally get out there with the sun blazing in all its glory. In case you are interested, here is how this thing works: each team has to build a sandcastle concoction of some type and then they are judged in several categories. One of the categories, apparently, is getting lots of people to come sign your sheet in a rudimentary election type thing. We used this to our advantage by soliciting bribes from the teams in exchange for our votes. In all, we probably got a few beers and several jello shots each for our efforts. I really got a sense of how awesome it must really be to be a politician.

Our teams theme was something to the effect of The Economy is in the Crapper. The idea was to have a conveyor belt of money bags being dropped into a toilet. The idea was brilliant, but the execution left a bit to be desired and we won no awards. Most of us were only there for the free beer and food anyway so we didnt particularly care. Some of the teams out there really did a spectacular job with their designs and I was genuinely amazed at some of them. If I can find a link to some of the pictures I will post them up here.

At some point during the day, people convinced me to go out into the ocean. Yes, the real ocean with all the sharks, jellyfish, undertow currents and vicious bacteria. I had to be gently coaxed out there but eventually just accepted the fact that I would probably be eaten alive.

At the end of the day, it was time to clean up our site. We had this kind of canopy that someone brought that needed to be taken down. Now there were 5 or 6 of us involved in this undertaking. All of us educated, relatively smart people and 2 of whom were engineers. I kid you not that it took the better part of half an hour to figure out how to fold the damn thing up. Defeated, I left for home before the task was completed. I later learned that it took a bit longer to discover a couple of latches that were holding the whole thing together. I am just going to chalk that one up to being in the sun too long.

All in all it was a blast and would really recommend everyone coming out next year. The SPF50 sunscreen was a life saver and I appear to only have been sunburned around my eyes where I didnt put lotion on because I assumed the hat I was wearing would be sufficient. Looking forward to next weekend where I have exactly nothing planned. Sitting on my ass will be a welcome change of pace.

Quote of the day on Saturday: "You'd be able to eat that watermelon a lot quicker if you took your shirt off." - One of my friends

More fun in New Orleans

Back to work after a long 4 day weekend in New Orleans. My body is still pretty mad at me for the long hours and questionable eating schedule. And while the other trips to New Orleans in the past all had their memorable moments, this one might just have been the most jam packed.

We actually got around to leaving on schedule this time around 12:30 on Friday and, due to the lack of any kind of traffic, had a quick 5 hour drive to New Orleans from Houston. We checked into the hotel and immediately hit the casino. Now, since we have all been super degenerate at the casino in the past, they rewarded us with several free buffets along with some free monies with which to play with.

After eating entirely too much at the buffet, I proceeded to have the worst luck I have ever encountered at a casino. I was hitting nothing. Nothing at all. Playing high roller Pai Gow was probably my biggest downfall. I lost a quick four hundy and decided to just take it easy for a while. Everyone at this point was losing pretty badly so we headed down to Bourbon Street to drown our sorrows.

It was here on Bourbon Street that I learned yet another life lesson. That lesson being: always have a girl in your group when you are on Bourbon Street. Apparently, not following this simple rule results in random prostitutes coming up to you and giving you the "hey baby, you wanna party?" line. First of all, hookers, its time to come up with a new pick up line. Second, you are super fat and ugly. This was my first run in with hookers and I have to admit that I was not very impressed. I guess in my head they all looked like Julia Roberts in that god awful movie with Richard Gere. Oh well, live and learn, I guess.

Anyway, on Saturday I did a bunch of touristy stuff in the hopes of not wasting any more monies at the casino. The plan worked well and I finally got around to seeing this Jackson Square that everyone has been harping on me to see since my first trip to New Orleans. The artists were pretty impressive and I then realized that had I only brought my Country Legends guitar I could have unloaded it here for sure for a fat profit. When in Rome, I guess. I also got out to see the Mississippi River and some street performers doing break dances and hitting up people with the hard sell to buy their $20 dvd.

Finally, back in the casino, I got off to a good start with a gratis Champagne Brunch. Looking to play just a little more, I broke my one and only casino rule by hitting up the ATM for an extra hundred dollars. And while I did break my set limit, it would prove to be instrumental in me playing the hottest round of craps I have ever played in my life. I was hitting the sucker bets left and right. Hit snake eyes back-to-back at 30-1 each on a 5 dollar bet for a quick 300 bucks. I was keeping an active hard eight working and had to have hit it at least 7 or 8 times. Dont Pass was killing it for me while everyone else at the table was losing their ass on the Pass Line. In fact, the only bet that seemed to not be working for me was the field, which I usually can feel out pretty well.

All in all I won $555 in my quick hour at the craps table. Being back above water was invigorating. We had a quick 5 hour trip back to Houston on Monday and got back to the grind today. Certainly a fun trip, cant wait to go back!

Best quote of the trip: "I need the 'trouble with gambling?' phone number as my ATM pin number." One of us.

Quick update

Wow, super lack of posting this month. It probably has something to do with the fact that this has been one of the busiest months Ive had at work in a while. Nonetheless, here are a few things going on that you should know about.

1. No, I have had no responses to the guitar on my craigtlist listing. I did lower the price to a cool $2,000 where it will remain until I either sell it on ebay or die. The plan is to put it up on Ebay some time next week after I get some time to fiddle with how I want the page to look. Bidding will start at $1000 with a $1500 reserve. Tell your friends!

2. I am going back to New Orleans tomorrow. This trip is being made out of the necessity to hit up a Harras at least once every 6 months to maintain players card points. I have been dying to get a vacation in for sometime and this will surely put my mind at rest. Nothing like winning a few Gs in the casino to get mind, body and soul recharged, amirite?

3. I finally cancelled the satellite dish the other day. I was asking myself everyday for the past couple months why I continue to pay for a service that I dont use. So now it will be internet only for my tv viewing pleasure.

Not much other than that on the upcoming schedule. That Sandcastle event that I got epic sunburned at last year is next weekend. More measures will be taken to ensure I dont end up feeling like crap for the following two weeks. I might even *gasp* use sunscreen for a change as my plan of just stay out of the sun and you will be ok did not work out at all last year. Anyway, until next time, Ill leave you with an inspirational story:

You know, when I was in school there was this kid, right, he wanted to play football more than anything - coach wouldn't let him because he wasn't big enough. But did he give up? No. No, it just made him try harder and harder, I mean the kid ate like a wild animal everyday, I mean he pumped iron all night long and after two months he got a hernia. Makes you think, huh? Oh yeah, there's one more thing, that kid's name was Richard Nixon. - Jimmy James, NewsRadio

Impulse buy

Ok so heres the story of how I came to be in possession of a Country Music Legends autographed guitar.

It all started the Friday night before. We were all playing cards at a bar and proceeded to drink entirely too much alcohol. Being unable to drive back to Sugar Land, I crashed on Christine and Jonathans couch. I woke up Saturday morning in a daze. As I collected myself I had a bit of a dude, wheres my car moment. My keys were gone.

I came to find out that one of my other friends felt too cool or something to sleep on a random couch and proceed to drive my car home. So I am now car-less. Interestingly enough, I get a phone call from Taylor saying that he knows I dont have a car and would be willing to not only take me to Sugar Land but also to a free BBQ fundraising lunch being hosted by the Masons. In the back of my head I was certain this was going to be one of those cult meetings where they give you a weird hair cut and force you to drink kool-aid, but hey, cant pass up free BBQ.

So we get there and the food is delicious. They didnt have any kool-aid or any kind of punch or anything leaving me slightly disappointed. So I walked around a bit a looked at the various things that were in the so-called silent auction. Silent auctions never made much sense to me because it always seemed to have the loudest people crowded in a confined little space. Not seeing anything that particularly interested me, I prepared myself for the so-called live auction which involves people being as silent as possible lest they be confused with a person who actually wants to make a bid. I guess this is just one of those drive on parkways, park on driveways kind of things.

Anyway, it was at this point that Taylor and I saw the guitar. Let me just go ahead now and describe this thing to you. It is an S101 D41425BK acoustic guitar signed by Willie Nelson, Loretta Lynn, Kenny Rogers, Charlie Daniels, George Straight and BB King. Being the impulsive business man that I am, I immediately started scheming about how we could flip this thing. Surely we would be able to get it for way less than it is actually worth. So anyway, long story short, after convincing Taylor for like 20 minutes to go halfsies with me, we purchased it.

Now since I hope to eventually post a followup on this issue, I am not going to publish how much we paid for the guitar. The plan is as follows:

Step 1: Acquire Country Music Legends autographed guitar.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.

Last night I finally got around to taking some pictures of the thing and it is now up for sale on craigslist. I will be sure to let you guys know when I unload the thing and have a massive coke party or something.

So thats it, thats the story of how I came to be in possession of a Country Music Legns autographed guitar. The stars must have been perfectly aligned that day. Had I not gotten sloshed the night before, this most likely never would have happened and I would be living a life where I don't own a piece of Country Music Legends history. Alcohol truly is the cause and solution to all of life's problems.

On a related note, the stars were also aligned for another guy on the same day. This guy went to a live auction that his mom was catering and ended up buying a fighter jet. I tip my hat to you, good sir.

Thats all for now. Hopefully the follow up will be sooner than later. I would love to get this thing sold before my trip to New Orleans (yes, again) next Friday.

Book it, done

I will be watching Game 5 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals between the Rockets and Lakers tonight after trivia. But before it comes on, let me give you a little "next week on an all new LOST" type of preview of what will surely transpire.

The series is tied 2 games a piece. Since this game will be played in Los Angeles, the Rockets will have a lead at halftime, maybe 10-12 points. The Lakers will struggle in the 3rd quarter but so will the Rockets. The fourth quarter will start with a slim Rockets lead of only 2-6 points. The Rockets will widen that lead to 10 points at the 8 minutes to go mark of the game.

Suddenly, the Rockets will begin to make mental mistakes and commit fouls only when Kobe has the ball. He will sink all his free throws. The refs will rediscover that the traveling rule still exists and call it several times against the Rockets in the closing minutes. Finally, a defensive 3 seconds in the paint technical foul, something they havent called all night, will be called on the Rockets sending Kobe to the line with 30 seconds to go which will leave the Rockets only up by 1.

Ron Artest will go for an offensive rebound but it will be violently stripped by Kobe and a foul will be called on Artest. Kobe goes to the line and sinks both shots to put the Lakers up by one with 10 seconds to go. Kobe punches Ron Artest in the face on the inbound play and makes an easy layup to secure the win. Ron Artest gets a technical for complaining about it to the refs and gets a 10 game suspension. Laker fans spend the next 2 days applauding the refs for their fair and balanced officiating.

Think Im crazy? Just watch the game tonight.

EVERYBODY PANIC

(Isn't swine flu kitty cute?)

So here we are, once again, being inundated with EVERYBODY PANIC! news coverage of this swine flu thing. And, as with every new catastrophic pandemic the dumbest portion of the population will generally be glued to their tv while sitting in a plastic bag with all the windows and doors duct taped shut waiting for the news to tell them its ok to come out again.

I tend to not watch the news while stuff like this is going on if only to keep my sanity. I saw a headline today which read something to the effect of First confirmed case of death due to swine flu in the US. Pretty scary stuff, right? Wrong. What the Scaretastic headline doesnt mention, and the article only casually mentions as well, is that the person that died was a citizen of Mexico and had come here to the US for treatment. And while that is tragic, not quite as dramatic as the headline would have you believe.

I would like to now casually point out that the normal flu that goes around every year kills, on average, 64,000 people according to the CDC. Where are all the panic headlines for that? Currently, this swine flu has caused the deaths of around 100 people, all in third world countries, namely Mexico, that have sub-par medical treatments available. The fact is that many of the people that have been infected here in the US are doing quite fine and the risk of death for them is substantially lower.

I know you are probably saying right now lolz, but mike if we dont panic the next one might be the real thing and we wont be prepared. I am not saying to not be prepared. And Im quite sure we are pretty well prepared already, hence the lack of US deaths related to swine flu thus far. I just wish the media would stop blowing things completely out of proportion simply because there is nothing else to talk about.

But, lets face it, scaremongering sells. The media has a feeding frenzy every time something like this happens because it knows that people will be terrified and watch their channel 24/7. Remember SARS a few years back? Of course you don't because it caused the zombie apocalypse that ended humanity.

The number one leading cause of death for humans has and will always be life.

There, end diatribe. Now for mine and your amusement: The Jack In The Box Mini Sirloin Burgers Commercial. Beware, the song will be in your head all day.

More like chimney sweeps

Aside from me attempting to write my own sitcom, I am not someone you would necessarily categorize as being in the biz. With that in mind, I will attempt to rationalize why the big 4 networks (ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC) constantly shake up their programming lineups by having some weeks with no episodes, some weeks with multiple episodes and some weeks with episodes that are cliff hangers followed by a week with no episode.

After doing a fair amount of research (read: none), I discovered that the majority of schedule based decisions are made based on the sweeps time of the year. You see, if I understand this correctly, during a certain time of the year, generally in May, the Nielsen Ratings group sends out their diaries to their focus groups. The networks understand that their shows had better be not only showing, but be of the highest caliber if they want to take home the coveted ratings crown which has significant meaning (read: none).

The idea is to have the best programming on during the sweeps period which will in turn garner the highest number of viewers which in turn means more hookers and blow for the executives. I am now going to explain the flaw in this logic:

Imagine this scenario: Joe 12pack comes home from a long day schlepping it down in the coal mines. He cracks open a beer and gets ready to watch How I Met Your Mother, which will be on tonight because tonight is Monday and the past 9 Mondays have all had new episodes. Imagine his surprise when instead of How I Met Your Mother, he finds himself watching And now the new hit sitcom guy gets hit with shovel in head for a million bucks! on only on CBS. Joe is now confused. Has his show been cancelled? Moved to a new timeslot? Cancelled?

Joes life is now spiraling toward oblivion. And whats worse is that Carlos Mencia is hosting this new show. Joe now assumes that 7:00 on Monday will now be filled with garbage and switches over to FOX to watch Sarah Conner Chronicles which, much to Future Joes disappointment, has already been cancelled. Summer Glau weeps for Joe. This means that Joe will not even attempt to watch the show during sweeps because he assumes there will never be another episode of it ever. No hookers or blow for executives.

My point is this: Do what 24 and occasionally LOST do. Have an uninterrupted run of episodes at the same time on the same day of the week. Sure, if that means starting the season later to accommodate the almighty sweeps, so be it. Everyone will be happy, especially the hookers and drug dealers. They really need to make me the head of a network already. I have TONS of ideas like this. However, most of them involve Steven Segal...