Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Pants are dumb

This blog post is about pants. I hate pants. I hate wearing them. I hate washing them. I hate folding them. Pants are the bane of my existence. It really does suck that pants are required attire in a professional environment. When I get home from work do I get a glass of water first? NO, I take my pants off. I understand that pants were a necessary item ten thousand years ago when mankind was scavenging for nuts and berries. They protected ones knees from scrapes and hid ones scent from attacking raptors. Just kidding, there is no hiding from an attacking raptor.

Pants are also dumb because of that phrase "We all put our pants on one leg at a time". What does that even mean? Who the hell cares how you put your pants on? The phrase should be "We all take our pants off both legs at a time because pants are dumb and no one likes wearing them".

Girls are lucky because they have the option of not wearing pants. They get to prance around in all manner of frictionless clothing like skirts and dresses. Plus, when a cool breeze comes through the door, it cools down their hoo-hah on a terribly hot day, which I can only imagine is pleasant. Pants block this breeze and instead only trap heat which means you are going to sweat all day.

Pants also suck while driving. They bunch up around the ass and knees and it means you constantly have to readjust your clothing while in traffic. I don’t think it is legal to drive while pantsless but it should be. If I am ever emperor of Earth, one of my first acts will be to allow vehicles to be driven while not wearing pants. Also, pants will be banned from my kingdom.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that there needs to be some innovation in the world of clothing. Pants had their day in the sun and it is time for them to be cast aside. Literally. Into a fire.

*Shout out to Christine for the inspiration for this post!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

MLB out to ruin baseball again

Hooray, time for a sports blog! I recently heard some rather disturbing news that Major League Baseball is considering a move to "realign" all teams in the sport. According to the report from "a top official", the 6 divisions would be done away with completely and only the 2 leagues with 16 teams each would remain. The top 8 teams with the best record from each league would then make the playoffs. On paper this makes a lot of sense. In most recent history for instance, the top team in the National League West would make the playoffs with a sub .500 record while a team in the National League East would miss out on the playoffs with a 90+ win season simply because they play in a better division. So this would essentially eliminate the wildcard and all the shenanigans that go along with it. Great.

Ok, where this plan is not so good is in the details. For the plan to executed, one National League team would have to jump to the American League side since there are currently 16 National League teams and only 14 American League teams. This is a relic of the last "realignment" that changed the amount of divisions from 2 to 3 and added the wild card with the Milwaukee Brewers jumping from the American League to the National League for some reason leaving the NL Central with 6 teams (only division with 6 teams) and the AL West with 4 teams (only division with 4 teams). So obviously the solution is to just move the Brewers back to the American League where they belong, right? Well, no. In MLB's infinite wisdom, they have allegedly proposed moving the Astros from the National League to the American League to incite some sort of rivalry between them and the Rangers.

This is dumb for a multitude of reasons. Bear in mind that the following opinions are those of an Astros fan and are thereby biased as such. First off, I believe that the Astros have been selected for realignment simply because they are absolutely miserable right now*. They are dead last in almost every stat in baseball and also have the worst record in all of baseball. So I think the MLB's thinking was along the lines of "who the hell cares what happens to the Astros". Well, for starters, I do. A lot of people do. This is not some pitiful franchise that has never accomplished anything like the, pardon my rudeness, Milwaulkee Brewers. The Brewers' only pennant was in 1982 when they were an American League team. It only makes sense to move a team that has a League Championship back to the league they won that championship in. It would be equally stupid to move the Astros, a team that has a National League Championship, into a league where that would essentially mean nothing. This is really the most no-brainer part of my argument.

My second point of contention is that the American League has the Designated Hitter. The DH is an abomination to baseball. Always has been, always will be. I enjoy watching the National League brand of the sport where all 9 players on the field have to take an at-bat. The strategy and "small-ball", boring as some may say, are really what make the sport great for me. I don't really have much else to add here other than to reiterate how much the DH sucks and is ruining baseball.

Lastly, it has been said that an Astros and Texas Rangers rivalry would be good for the region. I couldn't disagree more. While it is generally good fun when the Astros and Rangers play each other during the regular season, the proposed rivalry could never top the current rivalry the Astros currently have with the St. Louis Cardinals. In the glory days of the Astros in 2003-2005, the Cardinals played a large part in the Astros getting to their first NLCS and finally winning it the next year. Everyone is always going to remember the shot that Albert Pujols hit off of Brad Lidge with 2 outs in the top of the 9th inning of game 5 of the NLCS that would have sent the Astros to their first World Series in team history. All the history is already there. You simply can’t create rivals by switching teams around the league. They are made on the field of play.

Anyway, I guess the point of this post is for me to just vent a little about the current ideas being pondered by Major League Baseball. MLB, if nothing else, is great at coming up with ideas for solving problems that don’t really exist. If you don't believe me, just look at the dumb All-Star game. Their best bet is to just leave well-enough alone and stop tinkering with is otherwise a great sport.

*Don't even get me started on how pathetic the Astros are this season. I don't even want to talk about it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Summer Time!

Wow, June 1st already. The year is really flying by. Feels like it was just yesterday when I was stranded outside the Mezz at 4am on New Year's Eve. Now summer is here and, as usual, it is absolutely God awful hot outside. This year is a little unique in the fact that, here in Houston, we have had almost zero rain. April and May are generally the months where we get the giant storms of the century that knock power out and prevent me from playing xbox and blogging. Summer time also means the return of the dreaded hurricane season. I only say dreaded because you would absolutely not believe the hype it gets in the media around here when the season starts. Every year it is the same "how to be prepared for the apocalyptic storm that is surely going to kill everything and everyone that you have ever loved ever." Is it too much to ask the media to spin up the wheels on the fear machine only when there is a reasonable likelihood of being hit by one of these storms? Yes? *sigh*.

And, of course, there is the annual report out of Colorado State University (who, by the way, has never been hit by a hurricane) who predicts, every year, that the upcoming season will be the most horrifying and intense season that dwarfs even the most terrifying nightmares that mankind has ever had. This news, without fail, always drives up the prices of gas at the pump due to the speculation that some oil refineries might be knocked offline for a few days because of a storm. What a beautiful twisted system we have.

It is kind of funny that today, the first day of hurricane season, there happens to be a "disturbance" in the area of the Atlantic Ocean near Florida which means that news stations across the country have coverage similar to this:

Then, after a few months of little to no activity usually around August, the Colorado State people will inevitably revise their outlook downward for the current hurricane season and the news stations will be all like:

Must be nice to be able to make predictions year after year that end up having to be "revised" and still have people hanging on your every word because you were right "that one time."

At any rate, I generally enjoy Hurricane season for what it is. Sure, they can be devastating storms that cause tremendous amounts of loss of property and life, but at the same time I can't help but look at them in awe for what they are. So, with that in mind, here are a couple links to keep you apprised of the 2011 Hurricane Season. None of these links have scare coverage or anything like that, just raw information, which is great if you just want to know some information about a particular hurricane. So before you panic when a hurricane does form, crack open a beer first and check out some of these links before you start looting and pillaging your neighborhood. Enjoy!

National Hurricane Center: The National Weather Service page about both the Atlantic and Pacific active hurricanes.

TropicWX: A no frills weather map site with satellite, radar, infrared ocean temps, time-lapse animations and much more.

StormPulse: Great hurricane tracking site that shows the possible future path of a hurricane based on several different models.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Going for Gold

This past weekend, I participated in one of the defining moments of my life. I won a gold medal at the 2011 Bar Olympics in the Flip Cup event! Our team, Drinks on the House, simply dominated the event. So now that I am like Tara Lipinski famous I get to enjoy all the perks that come with winning such a prestigious award. No more paying for valet parking, no more convictions in murder cases and no more having to buy my own drinks at bars. Hell, I might even open up my own bar and call it the Gold Club or something where the waitresses will be miniature giraffes who have also won gold medals at some sort of animal Olympics. Also, only fellow Gold Medalists would be allowed in, so suck it Nancy Kerrigan. (Why do I have this much knowledge of early 1990’s era ice skaters?)

There were no silver medalists at these particular Olympics. You either won big or went home. Our team did have a pretty decent advantage over the competition which tended to be a bit older and less experienced in the area of college drinking games. Nevertheless, I will hang my medal proudly on my wall and recount my tale of glory to all who will listen! It was a single-elimination bracket style event with 9 teams. Our team defeated 3 other teams on our way to victory with no opponent progressing past their second player. We literally smoked all of them and they were all left crying in shame.

It wasn’t all fun and games however. Out team participated in several other events and brought much shame to ourselves and our families in nearly all of them. We lost miserably in the darts event due to the repeated failure to close out in a game of 301. The Golden Tee event was just an abysmal failure. Basketball? FAIL. Blackjack started off well and then turned into what Blackjack always inevitably turns into: FAIL. IN 9-Ball, we actually advanced to the second round and then lost in spectacular fashion. At any rate, I don’t care because all I wanted to do was win a medal! Did I mention that it was a Gold Medal? I did? Tyte.

So I guess next year we will have to defend our title. It should be an easy task as we won the thing while having an inebriation level of moderate to high. So as long as Jimmy Carter doesn't cancel next year's games, I figure we are a shoe-in for a repeat.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


This is going to be a short post today because I really don’t have much to comment on about this topic. That topic is, of course, The Royal Wedding. Unless you have been living under a rock in North Korea, you have probably heard a thing or two about the "Most Important Wedding of the Century." Apparently it is still a big deal for the figurehead of an antiquated form of tyrannical monarchy to marry a regular person of the unwashed masses. So much of a big deal, in fact, that 2 billion around the world are expected to watch the event live on television. News stations here in the US have been going on and on about this wedding for literally weeks. And I'm not just talking about the 24 hour news networks. Just this morning I was watching the local morning news about the horrifying tornadoes that have ravaged the southern part of the US only to be followed up by live coverage of the Royal Wedding rehearsal ceremonies in London. "Well there's not much to see right now Tom, but we're hoping to get a shot or 2 of the changing of the guard which we'll be bring to you live at the top of the hour."

My only questions is this...Why? Why does anybody outside of the Royal Family, let alone entire countries around the world, even care? I’m not trying to be rude or insensitive or anything like that. By all means, I wish the future couple only the best of luck in life and love. But why do so many other people care about this event? I asked a couple of women about this and they all gave me more or less the same response: "Every girl dreams of being a princess." Ok, I get that. I would love to be King. Who wouldn’t? But that is not what is happening here. This guy Prince William is a prince IN NAME ONLY. He wields no authority over any aspect of the people of England save for celebrity status slightly higher than that of the Kardashians. It literally makes no sense to me why everyone is treating this thing like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Oh well, I doubt I'll ever understand it. I just want this wedding to be done and over with so we can get back to real coverage that matters, like who Randy thinks will win American Idol and the buildup towards Oprah’s final episode.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Angry Words

This past Sunday I went out to the miserable Best Buy and picked myself up a Motorola Xoom. I had been wanting one for a while and with the release of the wifi-only version (no pricy data plan required) on Sunday, I figured what the hell and went out and got one. I'm not going to be reviewing the device here because there are literally a a brazillion people who have already done so. (Isn't it funny how the word "literally" now literally means "not literally?" Language evolution is fun.) Feel free to go watch a few YouTube videos if you have no idea what the device is. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Great, welcome back. Ok so as you know by now, the Xoom is an Android (made by teh Googles) powered device which means that I have now joined the ranks of people who have non-obsolete mobile based operating systems. I'm looking at you Palm Pre. Anyway, with the Xoom I am finally able to play with all the games and apps that the cool kids have had for quite a while now. Specifically the game "Angry Birds", which does indeed make me quite angry and "Words with Friends" (which is a scrabble type game for all you non-cool kids out there) which is incredibly infuriating due to the fact that my friends are all better at it than I am. Also, the word "lulz" is not accepted as valid submission for some reason...

Well, due to my love of Sci-Fi channel X + Y animal combination "horror" movies, I propose a similar new game: Angry Words. I thought about maybe going with Words with Birds but felt that people might think it was some kind app for teaching words to species of theropod descent (Birds). And let’s be fair, there would not be a large enough target market for that game, only targets. And if you don't get that joke then you aren't a fan of Futurama (The original, that is. Not that God-awful reincarnation that airs on Comedy Central.)

The idea behind Angry Words (which I am going to trademark) is that you would get a customizable amount of Angry birds to be fired at your opponents word when you feel they have cheated or otherwise got super lucky with a Z,Q,J combination. As we all know (us cool kids anyway), whenever someone drops a successful Z,J or Q on a triple letter or triple word combo, it makes you want to rage quit faster than Lindsay Lohan at a rehab facility. So you would get let's say 3 chances a game to bust out what is essentially a trump card for ridiculousness. The birds would still be fired from a slingshot and the number of birds could be agreed upon at the beginning of the game and there would be a bonus at the end of the game for any unused birds. This would make the game more of a skill game while at the same time discouraging cheating. Also, how fun would it be to know that your friend on the other side of the internet is enraged because you blew up their word that took nearly 4 hours of researching on the internet!

So what do you guys think? Pretty sweet idea, huh? Not as cool as the Sharktopus or the impending Piranhaconda that SyFy is about to release but pretty cool nevertheless in this author’s opinion. Admit it, you would want to play this game! Also, the Xoom is awesome and I recommend it to all you nerdy people out there!

Shoutout: Congrats Christine on your 200th post!
Bonus Shoutout: This one goes out to Michelle for requesting a shoutout in order for her to read this post!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Dumb terrorists

Wow, super FAIL at updating this thing more often. Oh well, today we are going to talk about terrorism. I was reading this article the other day and it got me to thinking "wow, this is the best they got now?" Don't get me wrong, I’m not complaining that Al Queda has been reduced to sending the Gomer Pyle of terrorists to attack us, but seriously, these are the people responsible for me having my rectal temperature taken every time I board a plane now?

It seems to me that on 9/11/01, Al Queda sent their best 19 guys and ever since then they have been sending the guys who rode the short bus to the terrorist training camp. Since then, we've had "Guy who lights foot on fire", "Guy who lights crotch on fire" and "Guy who tried to light jet fuel on fire". The terrorist in the article above picked Detroit to blow up because it was the cheapest flight he could afford. When price is a major factor in your terrorist plans, I'm pretty sure you are doing it wrong.

Another tidbit from the article was how the guy "rose through the ranks. He was assigned the job in Aden to videotape the 1998 suicide bombing of the USS Cole, which killed 17 sailors and injured 39 others, but fell asleep." It goes on to say "he is now a mid-level manager in the organization." What? Mid-level manager? When did Al Queda turn into a Dilbert cartoon? Do these guys get paid time off and an extensive benefits package? Do they get to upgrade their company suicide-bomb-car from a Ford Taurus to the Escalade? I am honestly very confused here. These terrorists hate us so much that they have practically become us. Next thing you know they will be complaining about Linda in payroll about how much she jibber-jabbers at company parties and how much money they have lost in their terror 401k’s. (A terror 401k invests in the Terror Stock Market, duh.)

So what is next for these terrorists? Tearing off mattress tags? Not using the tongs at a buffet? Farting in the elevator? Who knows. All I know is that I find it simply hilarious when these guys fail so miserably. It is such a shame that our societal rules preclude us from firing these failed terrorists right into the sun.
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