Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My semi goes 185



It appears that my beloved 1998 Ford Explorer Sport may be getting past its prime a bit. Several, if not all, of my friends continue to utter phrases like "get rid of that POS already" and "should your car be making that high pitch noise?" and "way to destroy the environment, asshole". Ok that last one not so much. Either way, I have decided to at least consider the idea of purchasing a new car.

Now when going to the dealership, I plan on employing the George Costanza approach to buying a car. "You never tell 'em you like the car. You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here. Youll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, youre on your back like a turnip. No matter what they say, you say, "Ill walk out of here right now!"" This method should work well due to the fact that I really have nothing wrong with my current vehicle. Sure it requires a little diligent maintenance every once in a while, but certainly nothing that would prevent me from using it on a day to day basis.

Nay, the main reason I am looking at this point in time is the "Cash for Clunkers" program that our government has so graciously provided. Under the plan, I could get up to $4500 dollars for trading my car in for a more fuel efficient car. This value is far more that I could realistically get under a normal trade in which would probably be in the area of only $1000 on a good day.

So with that in mind, I have lined up several candidate cars for which I will test drive in the coming days and weeks. Behold:

2010 Toyota Camry
This is the obvious winner right out of the gate. Solid fuel efficiency, great safety ratings and a general feeling of swankyness. The sun roof is a bit worrisome as it would be one extra entry point for zombies that I would have to fortify. Im not sure if the 2.4L 4 cylinder engine would have the power needed to plow through the hoard of zombies either. This car also features adequate cargo room to hold several days rations of food and or weapons. After all incentives plus the money from the Cash for Clunkers program, the price wouldnt be unbearable either. All in all, I would rate it as 2/5 on the zombie survival scale and 4/5 on the bang for the buck scale.

2010 Nissan Murano
This is an interesting car. While not possessing the same fuel efficiency standards of the camry, the Murano does put up some good numbers for a Mid-sized SUV. It is also considerably more pricey starting out at around $30k. However, you would be able to store many more supplies in the event of the zombie apocalypse. The engine is also more powerful which would come in hand should you run into any hordes of mindless zombies that need to be plowed through. If I decide that I cannot make the downsize from SUV to sedan, this will most likely be my pick. 3/5 on the zombie survival scale. 5/5 on the pain to my wallet scale.

Volvo VT 880
Our final candidate comes to us from our friends at Volvo. The VT800 is your standard top of the line Semi-truck. Equipped with a 16-liter, 600-hp Volvo D16 engine, I would have the extra muscle needed to move heavier loads or doubles over long distances and up steep grades. And with over 520 cubic feet of living space in your choice of beautifully coordinated interior design packages, you know youll be riding in style. Sure it may not get a high MPG score but with 300 gallons of fuel to use, who cares? This is the ultimate in zombie survival. It will also guarantee you being noticed by the shawtys as you roll by in your 40 inch spinnaz. The price is a bit steep at $120k. And Im pretty sure that this car will not qualify for the Cash for Clunkers program. Never the less, 5/5 on the zombie survival score. 5/5 on the awesomeness score.

Anyway, I now have to get out there and test drive all these things. Do a little haggling and come out with the best bang for the buck as well as zombie survival preparedness. Ill keep you updated.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Bloodsport review



So over the weekend, I had the opportunity to watch a movie that I had not seen in a long time. In fact, I only realized that I had indeed seen it before when the final scene of the movie began to transpire. The move I watched was Bloodsport: a Jean-Claude-Van-Damme film about fighting ninjas or something.

I only say or something because I really have no idea what the movie as about. From what I could tell, the plot was something to the effect of a secret under ground fight club similar to mortal combat. The kind of fight where 2 men would enter the ring and one man would leave. Then the other man would leave after being declared the winner. That part I understood just fine.

There was also some kind of knock-out-time record that meant something to some of the fighters.

No it was the random cut scenes between the fights that truly threw me off. For instance, after one of the aforementioned fights, the camera faded away to some random guy next to the ring, a person we have never been introduced to mind you, who then proceeds to pick up all the teeth that were knocked out from the previous fight. Oh, he also puts them in his mouth to see if they fit. Then the scene ends and we never see that guy again. Who were you after-fight-teeth-collecting guy, we hardly knew ye? If I had to put a number on it I would say that the movie only had about 30 minutes of actual plot related story telling.

There was also some reporter chick. They never really explained her either.

Ok so thats all well and good but I did actually learn something from this movie. That being that one can defeat an enemy even after magic dust is thrown in your eyes. In the final fight of the movie, Van-Dammes character is about to finish off his opponent when at the last second, magic dust temporarily blinds him. I say temporarily because after Van-Damme goes on to still beat the ever living piss out of the bad guy he is miraculously able to see again.

All in all, a decent flick if only for the horrible acting involved. It really is a shame that they dont make movies like this anymore. Also, why hasnt Jean-Claude been in anything recently? Surely he could get a gig mocking himself the way Steven Seagal has recently... Perhaps that would be too much of a Double Impact?

Best line of the movie was from Van-Damme's opponent in the final scene: "You break my record, I break you." I seriously would have been laughing my ass off had my opponent said that to me. Leave it to Stone Cold Van-Damme to keep the ice running through his veins.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Achievement unlocked



Thats right, I have achieved what Microsoft Support wanted to charge me 100 dollars for: Fixing my broken Xbox 360. This is more or less a follow-up to my salute to power tools post. For those of you interested, here is the story of what went down.

It all started about 3 weeks ago. I was playing the Point Lookout DLC pack for Fallout 3 when the hue on my screen changed to a bright green color. Immediately chalking it up to a glitch in the game, I powered down the 360 and turned it back on. Everything appeared kosher at first until the same green hue enveloped my entire Xbox dashboard. It was at this time that I began to realize that there might be something wrong internally. I turned it off for the night thinking it just had to cool down for a while or something.

The next morning before work I turned it on just to see if the problem was still there. Sure enough, it was. The strange part of the whole thing was that the Xbox was not Red Ringing. Everything appeared to be working normally save for the green hue on the screen. After fiddling with it later that night, the video output from the Xbox cut out completely. Still no Red Ring, however. I could tell that the Xbox was still working because I could still hear the audio in the background.

I started to look up on the internets if anyone else was experiencing a similar problem and discovered that very few people were. In fact, I was only able to find maybe 6 or 7 posts on random forums with folks who had the same problem that I did. Apparently Red Ringing is very popular, green hue/loss of video output not so much. It was at this time that I began looking in to sending it off to Microsoft for repair. After all, from what I have heard, they have to fix nearly 1 out of every 3 Xboxs that were manufactured.

After talking with a service rep, I was told that since my Xbox was not Red Ringing, it was not covered under the warranty that had been extended to those who had the Red Ring problem. Therefore, since my Xbox was out of warranty, I would have to cough up 100 bucks plus shipping to get it fixed not to mention take up to 6 weeks to get back to me. Ya thanks, but no thanks. Surely the internets had a better solution...

I scoured the intertubes for a couple days to determine what the best solution to my problem was. Eventually, I found a kit on ebay that looked pretty legit for only 6 dollars. The kit consisted of 8 screws, 16 nylon washers and 16 metal washers. The idea behind it is that these screws would replace the crappy x-clams that were holding the heat-sinks down on the motherboard. The instructions also called for "baking" which involved turning the Xbox on for about 2 and a half minutes without the fans on until it overheated. Supposedly this re-melts the solder under the chip and forces it back into position permanently.

So after doing all of this yesterday I was pretty hesitant to get my hopes up. In all honesty I fully intended on going to Super Target later in the day and purchasing a new Xbox if my plan failed to work. You could not have imagined my surprise when I flipped on that switch and saw the Xbox logo on the TV. Sheer jubilation ensued, I once again had a working Xbox. This goes to show you what a few power tools and kits on the internet can get you. I cannot possibly imagine how people got stuff done before the internet was invented.


Anyway, after dealing with the screws that led me to use the power tools I described in an earlier post, I decided to not put a single screw back in the stupid thing. My Xbox is now held together only by the outer plastic shell. Hopefully the fix I made was permanent and I never have to open it up again. If it does end up breaking again I will just probably go buy a new one. Either way, it was pretty fun to fix it myself. Now if only there were achievement points to be had for doing this....

Friday, July 10, 2009

A salute to power tools



Since the dawn of time, mankind has faced one major problem: Stripped screw heads. Our story begins in the days of yore when a young gentleman name Mr. Torx decided that he wanted to invent a classification of screw that would enable propitiators of hardware to dissuade their customers from tampering with their manufactured devices. One of the benefits of this new Torx screw was that repeated tightening and un-tightening or simply using the wrong sized tool would render the screw useless therefore locking the device up forever.

Undeterred, civilization did what it has always done in the face of an insurmountable challenge: build something that could destroy anything. Realizing that a newly purchased device made impossible the idea of tinkering around inside by use of several Torx screws, a young lad by the name of Mr. Dremel came along and invented the Dremel Tool. This was the equivalent of entering the Imperial Age in Age of Empires 2 or when those monkeys learned how to beat other monkeys with bones in the film 2001: A Space Odyssey. No longer would man be held hostage by the grip of repressive technology.

It was in this spirit that I, yesterday, exercised my ability to defeat the Torx screw. After repeated attempts at brute force, the screw I was attempting to remove was smoothly hollowed out. I was nearly ready to admit defeat. Being at my last resort, I unleashed the destroyer of worlds. The only device capable of removing the head of a screw in a matter of seconds. Indeed within mere minutes I had grinded the head of the screw down to nothing. Spraks flew in every direction and the noise was defaning. Yes, I wore eye protection. I was also drinking a beer, so I consider that to be a push on safety. You never want to be TOO safe, after all.

At this very moment I am writing my senator requesting an official holiday to celebrate the life of one Mr. Bill Dremel. Too long has his great work gone unappreciated on large scale. Thank you, Mr. Dremel. Thank you for the greatest gift of all, the ability to remove whatever gets in our way at any cost.

At the very least, give the guy a "real men of genius" Bud Light commercial or something...

Monday, July 6, 2009

Auto-tune my life



The time has finally come for me to join the 21st century and get one of these high tech smart phones that all the cool kids have. Hell, even the super lame emo kids have them. I've been stuck with POS phones for all my life. Not wanting to ride on the fanboy Apple train and being hindered by the fact that I use the Sprint network, there was never a phone out there that I yelled WANT at. The cool folks at Palm have solved that dilemma with the introduction of the Palm Pre.

Here is a nice little link to familiarize yourself with what I am getting.

With that in mind, many of you might now be asking "That's so awesome Mike, but what kinds of awesome things are you going to do with your new phone?" The answer is simple, auto-tuning. Yes, auto-tuning. The miracle software that makes Ashleeeee Simpson sound like shes not singing with cinder blocks in her throat. It also makes Kanye West eat fish sticks. My new goal in life is going to be to somehow add this to my phone so that I can converse with at all the shawtys in a sweet melodic tune.

I imagine that all my phone calls will go something like this in the future:

Hello, shawty, we can meet up at the mall (at the mall)
Browse around at the bookstore
Mentally ball until we fall

I am doing this for the sole reason of why anyone does anything: teh lolz. I actually got the idea for this by watching a video on YouTube, so I felt it was only fair to give them credit. Check out their video below. Ill let you guys know if this dream of mine ever comes to fruition.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Rib-pendence Day 2k9



Well we are now officially half way through 2009 already. Coincidentally, today is also Canada Day which is sort of like Independence Day here in the US. According to Wikipedia, Canada Day is a federal statutory holiday celebrating the anniversary of the 1 July 1867 enactment of the British North America Act, which united Canada as a single country of four provinces. Lovely. So bust out the Molson and Canadian Mist tonight while kicking back and think about how much Canada has influenced your life.

Now if Canada Day reminds us of one thing it is this: July 4th must be right around the corner. Leave it to those crafty Canadians to have their holiday serve as a reminder to us, otherwise oblivious Americans, that our national day of celebration is nigh. Independence day gives everyone in America a free pass to get drunk in public and blow stuff up with fireworks all while eating as much BBQ as humanly possible.

With that in mind, I present to you the event I will be partaking in on the 4th of July: Rib-pendence Day 2k9. In case you are having trouble grasping the idea behind the name, I will go ahead and break it down for you. You see, July 4th is Independence Day. And ribs are delicious. When you combine the two, you a day full of drinking, swimming, rib pong and independence. In effect, we will be going America all over everyone's asses. Feel free to join in on the fun.

With the year now half way over, it is important to look back and ponder where the hell the first half went. My guess, Canada. They're very crafty.

Have a safe and fun July 4th everyone!
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