Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I’ve talked about the great zombie apocalypse quite a few times on this blog. For years I had figured that this would be the most logical way for the human race to go out. Recently, however, I have been hearing more and more reports about giant creatures of the sea near Japan that really having me rethinking my theory. I am talking, of course, about giant jelly fish. More specifically, the Nomura Jellyfish. One of these things recently sunk a 10 ton Japanese fishing trawler. If this news doesn’t have you shaking in your nuclear fallout shelter, then you might want to reassess your situation.
With these new terrifying reports in mind, I hope to be able to become as prepared for the jellyfish apocalypse as I made you for the inevitable zombie apocalypse that will be spawned by the LHC getting turned on.
Lucky for you if you have already read my zombie survival guide as it contains many of the same ideas as my jellyfish survival guide. To be perfectly honest, when thinking about terror from the sea, I had always pictured giant squid or some other kind of outer space potato man bringing mankind to its knees. Dolphins have also historically been near the top of the terror scale due to their devious clicking and shit eating grin. Perhaps we only overlooked jellyfish due to their habitual tendency to wash up on shore to die while posing moderate danger to unsuspecting humans who might accidentally walk on top of them with bare feet.
Your best bet in surviving a jellyfish apocalypse is to just stay the hell out of the ocean. My sources inform me that Jellyfish are a salt water species so swimming in lakes should be ok for now. Failing that, your best bet would be to get one bad ass spear or trident. Prepare for quite a battle, however, as these things are about 5 to 6 times the size of your average pathetic human. Once they grab a hold of you with their tentacles there is no letting go because they are made of jelly and jelly is strong.
Should jellyfish develop opposable thumbs and the ability to walk on dry land, humanity is, for lack of a better phrase, completely boned. (Get it? Because jellyfish have no bones! It’s a pun!) They will soon assimilate us into their society and make us their condiments to use on their crackers made of jelly. Our only hope at this point would be for a giant volcano made out of salt to erupt and rain down upon the unsuspecting jellyfish, rendering them completely dried out and possibly delicious.
Save for the volcano, jellyfish will inherit the earth. Our last line of defense would be for us to turn on the LHC and have the zombies declare and all out war on the jellyfish. In all honesty I haven’t run enough test simulations to see how this option would fare for humanity. All I know is that at least I have a sword which should give me a fighting chance against these things. Together with my crowbar, I have a pretty decent plan for surviving whatever zombie/jellyfish combination of apocali that mother nature throws at me.