School traffic

Kids start going back to school next week. While this time of year generally sparks the turnover from young kids to old troll people serving you at fine fast food establishments, it also bring about change in another less obvious way. Traffic. Yes, for some unknown reason, kids going back to school creates traffic during the morning and drive home commute in a way that cannot currently by explained by science or phases of the moon.

Without a doubt you have surely encountered this phenomenon if you travel on any freeway in the Houston area. I only specifically say Houston because it is quite possible that this is merely a localized event characterized by the sort of people who live in these parts. If that is the case, perhaps an episode of "In Search Of with Leonard Nimoy" on the History Channel is in order. If he is able to persuade a massive audience about the possible existence of the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, I have no doubt he will turn up compelling evidence that will pose new questions about this traffic phenomena.

My own personal theory, however, will now be explained with very little to no scientific research on the topic. In a way, you could call this whole post purely speculative and highly misinformed.

My idea is that the whole thing is a conspiracy conjured up by the oil companies to keep gas prices high during the latter part of the so called "summer driving season". I realize that I am getting into some serious stuff right here and also the fact that they could flood the chamber with gas at any point. Nevertheless, those responsible must know that their plans are now out in the open. You see, what do gas companies love more than anything else in the world? Thats right, money. And how do they get that money? By shaking down school children in the parking lot for their lunch money, thats how.

Once the kids have no more money, they call home and request further funding for their daily sustenance. Parents currently on the freeway are forced to turn around and return to the school to give their kids more money. So you see, the parents who dropped their kids off early in the morning are returning to the school at the same time as the slacker parents who drop their kids of right before the bell rings leaving all parties involved getting back onto the freeway at the exact same time as one another.

I realize that I am probably blowing your minds right here. Leonard Nimoy would surely be proud of what I have uncovered. I know what you are all asking, "Mike, do you have proof?" The simple answer to that is no. The long, detailed answer would also probably lead you to conclude the same. Regardless, the message is now out here on the internets. No longer will you have to wonder why there is miserable traffic on the freeway from September to June. Of course, I suppose you could also just chalk it up to people taking a lot of vacation during the summer months. But sadly, that is not the kind of breaking news that the people are looking for.

Im off to Pei Wei for lunch.