A Thanksgiving Poem

Twas the night before Thanksgiving
And just like the mail
There were drivers in the fast lane
Going slow as a snail.

With little regard
for their fellow man.
These people were oblivious
As if they were sitting on the can.

Talking on the phone
They forget how to drive
“Why go the speed limit
When I can go 35?”

As their exit approaches
They cross all four lanes
Not even a signal
Or a thought in their brains

I swerve to avoid them
Driving on only 2 tires
I shout at the top of my lungs
“May you die in a very large fire”.

Have a Fun and Safe Thanksgiving Everyone!

School traffic

Kids start going back to school next week. While this time of year generally sparks the turnover from young kids to old troll people serving you at fine fast food establishments, it also bring about change in another less obvious way. Traffic. Yes, for some unknown reason, kids going back to school creates traffic during the morning and drive home commute in a way that cannot currently by explained by science or phases of the moon.

Without a doubt you have surely encountered this phenomenon if you travel on any freeway in the Houston area. I only specifically say Houston because it is quite possible that this is merely a localized event characterized by the sort of people who live in these parts. If that is the case, perhaps an episode of "In Search Of with Leonard Nimoy" on the History Channel is in order. If he is able to persuade a massive audience about the possible existence of the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, I have no doubt he will turn up compelling evidence that will pose new questions about this traffic phenomena.

My own personal theory, however, will now be explained with very little to no scientific research on the topic. In a way, you could call this whole post purely speculative and highly misinformed.

My idea is that the whole thing is a conspiracy conjured up by the oil companies to keep gas prices high during the latter part of the so called "summer driving season". I realize that I am getting into some serious stuff right here and also the fact that they could flood the chamber with gas at any point. Nevertheless, those responsible must know that their plans are now out in the open. You see, what do gas companies love more than anything else in the world? Thats right, money. And how do they get that money? By shaking down school children in the parking lot for their lunch money, thats how.

Once the kids have no more money, they call home and request further funding for their daily sustenance. Parents currently on the freeway are forced to turn around and return to the school to give their kids more money. So you see, the parents who dropped their kids off early in the morning are returning to the school at the same time as the slacker parents who drop their kids of right before the bell rings leaving all parties involved getting back onto the freeway at the exact same time as one another.

I realize that I am probably blowing your minds right here. Leonard Nimoy would surely be proud of what I have uncovered. I know what you are all asking, "Mike, do you have proof?" The simple answer to that is no. The long, detailed answer would also probably lead you to conclude the same. Regardless, the message is now out here on the internets. No longer will you have to wonder why there is miserable traffic on the freeway from September to June. Of course, I suppose you could also just chalk it up to people taking a lot of vacation during the summer months. But sadly, that is not the kind of breaking news that the people are looking for.

Im off to Pei Wei for lunch.

My traffic proposal

Traffic is occasionally miserable in Houston, understandably so. The thing about it, however, is that almost all traffic is caused by nitwits who are putting on makeup, reading the paper and smoking a ciggy.while driving at the same time. They then invariably cause a wreck which causes the fire department to spend the next 30 minutes scraping their entrails off the off the freeway backing traffic up for miles. (Quick tangent, there really was a guy reading the paper and smoking a ciggy while I was driving into work today).

Unfortunately, the actual wreck itself is not the only contributor to slow traffic flow. Drivers, who have been poking along at 1-2 mph for the past 45 minutes have long since given up any hope of getting to their destination on time. They get into a mindset that I like to call Forgotspeedlimitidis. While in this state, they forget that the speed limit on the freeway is 65mph and they basically continue to putter around at 30-40 mph, causing right-minded drivers to blow by them which will typically illicit the honking of a horn and possibly a faintly audible asshole! from the slow driver.

Now, I am no traffic flow expert by any means. In fact, I am not even sure there is such a thing. Nevertheless, I do have a proposal that would enable conscious drivers like myself to enjoy a swift, carefree ride into work each day. My proposal is to have two lanes on the left side of every freeway, similar to HOV lanes. These lanes, which for the purposes of this blog we will call Awesome Lanes, will be for drivers with a clean record only.

You will be free to driver on these lanes as long as you do not cause a wreck. However, once you do, and it is blatantly your fault, thats it, youre done, forever. From that point onwards, you will not be allowed to drive on the awesome people lanes, ever, for as long as you live.

Now, you are probably asking yourself right now but.but.but.m1ke, who will decide who is at fault in the wreck?. The solution is simple. Trial by a jury of your peers, of course. 13 random fellow Awesome Drivers will be sent all the evidence about the wreck including, but not limited to: police reports, pictures, eyewitness testimony and anything else needed. Jurors will be able to vote anonymously online without deliberation. A 2 thirds majority will result in the driver never being allowed to drive on the Awesome Lanes again.

There, problem solved.