The Sharktopus

This past week, I noticed that the word "Sharktopus” was a trending topic on Twitter. Intrigued, I looked up what all the fuss was about. You see, since I no longer have cable, I am occasionally behind the ball on new TV shows and made for TV movies. Sharktopus was one of those movies airing on the Sci Fi channel. After reading some of the reviews on the internet and watching the promo commercial, I decided that I had to see this thing.

So last night, I watched the Sharktopus movie. I'm using the word "movie” lightly here since there was really only about 30 minutes of actual plot related material. The other 60 or so minutes were the indiscriminate killings of the Sharktopus on the some sort of vacation resort in Mexico. Now, you may be asking yourself, what is the Sharktopus? Let me break it down for you one time. The Sharktopus is half man, half shark and half octopus. It was created by the DOD, apparently, to be a super stealthy killing machine or something. It was controlled by a control collar that conveniently gets destroyed in the opening scenes of the film, thus setting up the story.

You obviously cannot go into this movie expecting anything but entertainment value. I found myself laughing at the simple absurdity of most of the kill scenes. The Sharktopus can impale people with its tentacles, jump into the air to catch a bungee jumper and walk on fucking land. I bet you thought the Sharktopus would be confined to its watery home, but you'd be wrong. The Sharktopus can climb mountains to kill people in a cliff top restaurant. Also, the Sharktopus doesn't even consume his victims; he just kills them for what I can only assume is the pure joy of it.

I'm not going to go into any more of the plot details because I honestly believe you should watch this movie. It has everything a Sci Fi movie of the week should have: overzealous reporter, power drunk Shartopus creator, down to earth Shartopus creator's daughter, former Navy Seal hero, annoying radio DJ guy and girls in skimpy outfits. I applaud the Sci Fi channel for knowing no bounds when coming up with these films.

What's next, Sci Fi channel? Got any more ideas for the next half something half something killing machine? How about a half crocodile half hippopotamus: The Croctopotomus! It can even have the same plot and story! Think about it: "The Navy, wanting to have a bigger yet also stealthier presence in the Sub-Saharan jungle, creates a new breed of monster, The Crotopotomus. But, due to a malfunction, the Crotopotomus is released in downtown New York where it dwells in the run down subway lines waiting for its next victim.” And then at the end you could have it climbing the Empire State building or something for no adequately explored reason. And when the monster is finally killed at the end by the Army or another Croctopotomus or something, the creator will weep and shout to the heavens: "Who's the real 7 billion dollar monster now? Not I…..not…I.” Credits roll.

All rights reserved. Just be sure to send me my movie check when it gets made.

School traffic

Kids start going back to school next week. While this time of year generally sparks the turnover from young kids to old troll people serving you at fine fast food establishments, it also bring about change in another less obvious way. Traffic. Yes, for some unknown reason, kids going back to school creates traffic during the morning and drive home commute in a way that cannot currently by explained by science or phases of the moon.

Without a doubt you have surely encountered this phenomenon if you travel on any freeway in the Houston area. I only specifically say Houston because it is quite possible that this is merely a localized event characterized by the sort of people who live in these parts. If that is the case, perhaps an episode of "In Search Of with Leonard Nimoy" on the History Channel is in order. If he is able to persuade a massive audience about the possible existence of the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, I have no doubt he will turn up compelling evidence that will pose new questions about this traffic phenomena.

My own personal theory, however, will now be explained with very little to no scientific research on the topic. In a way, you could call this whole post purely speculative and highly misinformed.

My idea is that the whole thing is a conspiracy conjured up by the oil companies to keep gas prices high during the latter part of the so called "summer driving season". I realize that I am getting into some serious stuff right here and also the fact that they could flood the chamber with gas at any point. Nevertheless, those responsible must know that their plans are now out in the open. You see, what do gas companies love more than anything else in the world? Thats right, money. And how do they get that money? By shaking down school children in the parking lot for their lunch money, thats how.

Once the kids have no more money, they call home and request further funding for their daily sustenance. Parents currently on the freeway are forced to turn around and return to the school to give their kids more money. So you see, the parents who dropped their kids off early in the morning are returning to the school at the same time as the slacker parents who drop their kids of right before the bell rings leaving all parties involved getting back onto the freeway at the exact same time as one another.

I realize that I am probably blowing your minds right here. Leonard Nimoy would surely be proud of what I have uncovered. I know what you are all asking, "Mike, do you have proof?" The simple answer to that is no. The long, detailed answer would also probably lead you to conclude the same. Regardless, the message is now out here on the internets. No longer will you have to wonder why there is miserable traffic on the freeway from September to June. Of course, I suppose you could also just chalk it up to people taking a lot of vacation during the summer months. But sadly, that is not the kind of breaking news that the people are looking for.

Im off to Pei Wei for lunch.