A message to pirates

Dear Somali Pirates,

You have had a pretty good run lately of hijacking cargo ships and picking up hefty randsoms for their safe return. We applaud you in your endeavour. However, you recently hijacked a vessel that flew and American flag and had an all American crew. Now we understand that you may have become bored while hijacking other countries ships and always getting your randsom money right away. Unfortuentaly for you, your bold quest for a bigger bounty from hijacking an American ship was, for lack of a better phrase, a huge mistake.

You see, we Americans have all seen Die Hard and Under Siege. We know how to get stuff like this handled in the swiftest way possible. We crawl through air vents and yell phrases like "yippie-ky-ay" as we send dead terrorists down elevator shafts with clever and amusing phrases written on their shirt. We can withstand a barrage of bullets while beating down the 20 people shooting them with nothing more than a tire iron. And we always get the girl at the end.

After 9/11, you should realize that hostages are no longer going to sit idly by while you attempt to extort their employers. You are no doubt understanding this well now as several of your comrades are floating in the open ocen and another in custody after being defeated by an unarmed crew. Neither Cockpuncher nor Jack Bauer were needed.

So please, do yourself a favor and stick to messing with ships that are crewed by more wussy countries, like France. You don't mess with America. We're all a bunch of crazy bastards over here and we like nothing more than kicking other people's asses. And lets face it, you guys are not exactly in a position of sympathy in the eyes of the world.

Regards,

America

I don't think you've got the balls.
Cockpuncher