My traffic proposal

Traffic is occasionally miserable in Houston, understandably so. The thing about it, however, is that almost all traffic is caused by nitwits who are putting on makeup, reading the paper and smoking a ciggy.while driving at the same time. They then invariably cause a wreck which causes the fire department to spend the next 30 minutes scraping their entrails off the off the freeway backing traffic up for miles. (Quick tangent, there really was a guy reading the paper and smoking a ciggy while I was driving into work today).

Unfortunately, the actual wreck itself is not the only contributor to slow traffic flow. Drivers, who have been poking along at 1-2 mph for the past 45 minutes have long since given up any hope of getting to their destination on time. They get into a mindset that I like to call Forgotspeedlimitidis. While in this state, they forget that the speed limit on the freeway is 65mph and they basically continue to putter around at 30-40 mph, causing right-minded drivers to blow by them which will typically illicit the honking of a horn and possibly a faintly audible asshole! from the slow driver.

Now, I am no traffic flow expert by any means. In fact, I am not even sure there is such a thing. Nevertheless, I do have a proposal that would enable conscious drivers like myself to enjoy a swift, carefree ride into work each day. My proposal is to have two lanes on the left side of every freeway, similar to HOV lanes. These lanes, which for the purposes of this blog we will call Awesome Lanes, will be for drivers with a clean record only.

You will be free to driver on these lanes as long as you do not cause a wreck. However, once you do, and it is blatantly your fault, thats it, youre done, forever. From that point onwards, you will not be allowed to drive on the awesome people lanes, ever, for as long as you live.

Now, you are probably asking yourself right now but.but.but.m1ke, who will decide who is at fault in the wreck?. The solution is simple. Trial by a jury of your peers, of course. 13 random fellow Awesome Drivers will be sent all the evidence about the wreck including, but not limited to: police reports, pictures, eyewitness testimony and anything else needed. Jurors will be able to vote anonymously online without deliberation. A 2 thirds majority will result in the driver never being allowed to drive on the Awesome Lanes again.

There, problem solved.