OMG LOST

Tonight begins the final season of the television show LOST. For 6 years now, this show has had more WTF moments than anyone deserves in a lifetime. And while I love the show, part of me is ready for it to be over. With that in mind, I only have a few burning questions that I want to be answered this final season. I could honestly care less who Kate ends up banging or in what shape Sun’s garden will end up in. But then again, what the hell do I know? Perhaps Sun planting her garden is the one clue that solidifies the entire story and it has been there the entire time for us to see. The show could honestly end in weirder ways than that.

The biggest thing I want explained is the Smoke Monster. In all honesty it is probably the reason I watch the show more than anything else other than the time travel aspect. Seriously, wtf? Monsters are already scary enough. Make them out of mysterious smoke and you have one of the most horrifying characters in television history. Are there more than one? If so, how many? And why so many? If the smoke monster is so powerful, why does it spend its time tromping around the jungle and not hanging out at Hollywood parties sippin’ on Cognac? Why did it kill Mr. Eko but spare the lives of others? These are the main questions I want answered.

Speaking of the others…wtf? Who are these mysterious people who were on the island before anyone else? Are they like the “Na’vi” in that movie Avatar? Or are they more like the “Navi” in the movie Ferngully: The Last Rainforest? And why does Richard Alpert wear eyeliner and never age? And why was he a hitman in the movie Smokin’ Aces, where by the way, he also kills Jack...

And finally, what is the Island? Why is it so hell bent on affecting so many people’s lives? How did a giant wooden ship laden with the bones of slaves end up in the middle of it? Why is there not a giant tree where the Others live like in Avatar and Ferngully? Did Locke accidentally the whole island when the swan clock hit zero? Do the numbers have anything to do with the story line at all save for Hurley thinking he is insane? Will the entire story of Lost have an ending at all? If so, how many? If not, well, I guess I can always go back and finish Alias to see if it ever had an ending…

So there, 23 questions I want to have answered in the next 4 months. I think that is pretty fair since there are well over eleventy billion unanswered questions. If I am doing my math correctly, and I like to think that I am, I am only asking for a mere negative infinity percent of outstanding questions to be resolved. You see, eleventy billion isn’t even a real number. That’s how many mysteries there are on this show. And God help the producers if the whole thing ends up being in a snow globe and validating all the haters over the years.

At any rate, only 10 more hours to wait.

End of an era

We had a really good run in space over that last 50 years. In that span we put the first American in space, landed on the moon 6 times (allegedly) and built a space station the size of a football field. All of this was accomplished by nearly 150 manned missions which cost the lives of 17 brave astronauts who dared to believe that what they were doing was important enough for them to risk their lives in the first place. September 16th of this year will mark the last manned space flight launch in the United States.

Today, the president unveiled his budget which effectively cut the Space Shuttle’s replacement, aka The Constellation Program, as well as offering up no other plan for the future. Their goal is to have private companies pick up the slack and in the meantime have the Russians launch all astronauts to and from the International Space Station. The private contractors, by the way, are at about the same technological place that NASA was back in the early 1960’s. We are effectively starting over except this time billions and billions of government dollars will not be behind any advancement. Private capital will have to fill the void.

The trouble is, manned space flight is not currently at a point where is will be profitable to launch humans into space. Let alone in the private sector. The result of which means that in reality, we will most likely not have a manned space flight launch into Low Earth Orbit for a good amount of time. I am talking about decades here folks. Where once it seemed like a human landing on Mars was only 10 years away now seems like it will be more than a century, at least for the United States, that is. Russia and China have both stated Mars to be a human destination for them and are pursuing it rigorously. Unfortunately, the reality of this kick in the ass will probably be the only thing that revitalizes America’s desire to go back into space.

The trouble is that many people simply got bored with NASA over the past 20 years. Space travel became routine and it seemed that only disaster was able to capture the attention of the US citizens. Most people out there will probably not even realize that we will no longer have a manned space program. Even fewer will care. NASA has done a piss poor job of letting the public know about all the good work it has done over the years. We are all going to live longer and healthier lives as a result of all the advancement that has come out of the space program. It truly saddens me that people have become so apathetic about one of the things America does best.

It will be strange living in a world where we tell our children: “Hey, look up there, that is outer space. We used to go there and it was awesome. Now we don’t.” In all honesty, I REALLY hope that the Chinese and Russians stay on track and have successful manned space programs. It will just be a shame that those other countries will be on the leading edge of understanding and exploring the universe instead of us. I hope I will be able to make time to head out to Cape Canaveral, Florida to witness one of the final 5 launches of the greatest space program in the history of mankind. And hopefully I will look back on this blog post in 10 years and laugh at just what the hell I was thinking.

*Quick Note* I don't really like talking about politics since it is generally redundant talking about it with people who have philosophical differences with the way you think. But the simple fact is that the numbers don't lie. This year, we bailed out banks to the tune of almost 1 trillion dollars. The entire budget alone for this year is some 3 trillion dollars. The entire budget for all of NASA? 18 billion dollars. That's less than .6% of the entire United States budget. So if this decision isn't about the money, the only other thing it could be is simply lacking the desire to do it anymore. I can only imagine what kind of world we would live in today if Spain had decided not to fund Columbus' trip back in 1492. Ok ya, that turned out to be a little bit longer than a quick note.

2009: A Year in Review

Wow, it has been quite a while since I have updated this thing. December was a busy month at work and having my entire extended family over during the holidays didn’t make things any easier. So anyway, here is 2009: A Year in Review.

I made several trips out to New Orleans last year, 3 in fact, which means I ended up going there a total of 5 times in less than a one year period. I don’t know what it is about that city but I have never managed to have anything less than an amazing time there, even when having to evacuate due to hurricanes. Of course it also doesn’t hurt that the casino there has been more than generous to me. The plan right now is to head out to New Orleans once again when Mardi Gras rolls around in the middle of February. It is going to be epic.

One of the more negative aspects of 2009 was my endless love/hate relationship with my Xbox 360. My original Xbox had the RRoD and due to the fact that it was out of warranty, I decided to try to fix it myself. This worked, more or less, for the better part of 3 months before I decided to just bite the bullet and buy a new one. Of course, within 2 weeks of getting the new one, Microsoft dropped the ban hammer of all modified consoles and I was once again without one. This story does not end sadly, as it convinced me to build a HTPC ( Home Theater PC ) for watching stuff online, which was really the only thing I was using the Xbox for anyway.

One of the bigger experiments this year was me cutting the cable, and going exclusively to online video watching. This is still more or less a work in progress. It has been about 6 months now and I haven’t once yet felt the need to have cable tv again. My Boxee setup has worked great so far and I can’t ever imagine paying money to watch commercials ever again.

2009 also saw the end of the Exploder. My beloved car was sent to the scrap heap when I got some of that Obama Money, aka Cash for Clunkers. Many of you who had the pleasure of riding in my former car know that clunker doesn’t even begin to describe what my 1998 Explorer Sport was. I’m still loving my new Honda Accord. Going 500 miles with out having to fill up is quite simply ridiculous. Oh, and the AC actually works in this new car!

In September I made it out to Las Vegas once again. If you haven’t read my write up of that vacation, I encourage you to do so. It is filled with mystery, intrigue, people getting kicked out of casinos and cups made of ice. And that was all just in one night! Vegas is one of those places where staying too long makes you wish you had never even come in the first place. Luckily this time around we only stayed for 3 nights instead of the 4 we stayed the year before. My brother is turning 21 this year so it is more than likely that another trip will be made out to Vegas in June.

2009 will probably be remembered most for the amount of smoking I did. I have become somewhat of a master chef when it comes to slow cooking meat out on the smoker. I did all things from brisket, ribs, chicken and my favorite, pulled pork shoulder. The goal for this year is to participate in some sort of cook off to see how well my stuff compares to others. Spoiler alert, it kicks all their asses.

I finally made it out to the Texas Renaissance Fair last year. It was honestly one of the most bizarre places I have ever been. I still don’t understand the whole tail thing, but to each their own I suppose. The day we went to TRF was unique in that it was the first time I ever drank wine out of a can. You see, it is much more socially acceptable to drink in public when the public thinks you are just drinking soda. And don’t even get me started on how much more active it makes you feel and the amount of gesturing you will be able to do now that you are sans wine glass. Thanks “Always Suuny” for the idea!

How could I forget about Champagne Campaign 2K9? It turns out, very easily when large amounts of champagne is involved. Bar none, the party, which we threw over Halloween, was the most awesome event ever. The riot punch we concocted was nothing less than deliciously lethal. It also had dry ice in it which made it even more bad ass. No fewer than half of the people at the party ended up hurling in the front yard. That’s how you know they had a good time! Oh, and people doing “the thriller dance” was probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.

So a lot happened in 2009. We now move into ‘010 with another set of resolutions never to be fulfilled. Actually, one goal that will most likely be fulfilled this year is my quest to get a free Miller High Life jacket as part of the rewards program they are currently running. I am more than 500 beers in and only need a paltry 300 more to achieve this stupid goal of mine. So, by all means, come hang out this year and bong a few High Life’s with us and then chase it with a shot of Rumpplemintz. You definitely won’t regret it (right away).

*Programming note, it appears that I am fast approaching my 100th post on this blog. I will have to think long and hard about how to facilitate such a momentous event. Perhaps a live studio audience or something? At any rate, I’ll let you know once I have it figured out.

SNOW DAY!

Stop the presses, it is snowing in Houston! I'm so glad Global Warming™ decided to take today off.

None of it appears to be sticking to anything right now. But hopefully as the temperature drops we will see more of that. It is supposed to get into the mid-20's tonight which is pretty unheard of here in Houston. And believe me, if you thought traffic was bad when it rained, imagine those same people who are talking on the phone, doing their nails and eating nachos at the same time while driving...but also gawking at the snow. It is the perfect storm, so to speak, of traffic.

If I am able to take any good pictures I will put them up here. My cell phone camera is unable to capture the flakes with any kind of decent resolution. Hopefully enough of it sticks on the ground to have a good ol' fashioned drunken snowball fight!

Try to be safe out there, folks!

A Thanksgiving Poem

Twas the night before Thanksgiving
And just like the mail
There were drivers in the fast lane
Going slow as a snail.

With little regard
for their fellow man.
These people were oblivious
As if they were sitting on the can.

Talking on the phone
They forget how to drive
“Why go the speed limit
When I can go 35?”

As their exit approaches
They cross all four lanes
Not even a signal
Or a thought in their brains

I swerve to avoid them
Driving on only 2 tires
I shout at the top of my lungs
“May you die in a very large fire”.

Have a Fun and Safe Thanksgiving Everyone!

The Ottoman Empire

A couple of weeks ago I bought a ceiling fan to put in my living room. It was reasonably priced and I picked up a wireless switch for it as well. My living room is poorly ventilated for some reason and I figure that a ceiling fan will solve that. Having never put up a fan before, I was nervous about electrocuting myself and/or burning the entire building down. I was, in fact, so nervous that I have yet to put the darn thing up.

There is a plus side, however, to leaving the fan in the box. You see, I am currently employing the box as an ottoman. It just so happens to be the ideal height to be ridiculously comfortable. So yes, this whole post was written to inform you that I am currently using a ceiling fan box, with the fan inside, as furniture. Perhaps I should get it upholstered?

Jellyfish apocalypse

I’ve talked about the great zombie apocalypse quite a few times on this blog. For years I had figured that this would be the most logical way for the human race to go out. Recently, however, I have been hearing more and more reports about giant creatures of the sea near Japan that really having me rethinking my theory. I am talking, of course, about giant jelly fish. More specifically, the Nomura Jellyfish. One of these things recently sunk a 10 ton Japanese fishing trawler. If this news doesn’t have you shaking in your nuclear fallout shelter, then you might want to reassess your situation.

With these new terrifying reports in mind, I hope to be able to become as prepared for the jellyfish apocalypse as I made you for the inevitable zombie apocalypse that will be spawned by the LHC getting turned on.

Lucky for you if you have already read my zombie survival guide as it contains many of the same ideas as my jellyfish survival guide. To be perfectly honest, when thinking about terror from the sea, I had always pictured giant squid or some other kind of outer space potato man bringing mankind to its knees. Dolphins have also historically been near the top of the terror scale due to their devious clicking and shit eating grin. Perhaps we only overlooked jellyfish due to their habitual tendency to wash up on shore to die while posing moderate danger to unsuspecting humans who might accidentally walk on top of them with bare feet.

Your best bet in surviving a jellyfish apocalypse is to just stay the hell out of the ocean. My sources inform me that Jellyfish are a salt water species so swimming in lakes should be ok for now. Failing that, your best bet would be to get one bad ass spear or trident. Prepare for quite a battle, however, as these things are about 5 to 6 times the size of your average pathetic human. Once they grab a hold of you with their tentacles there is no letting go because they are made of jelly and jelly is strong.

Should jellyfish develop opposable thumbs and the ability to walk on dry land, humanity is, for lack of a better phrase, completely boned. (Get it? Because jellyfish have no bones! It’s a pun!) They will soon assimilate us into their society and make us their condiments to use on their crackers made of jelly. Our only hope at this point would be for a giant volcano made out of salt to erupt and rain down upon the unsuspecting jellyfish, rendering them completely dried out and possibly delicious.

Save for the volcano, jellyfish will inherit the earth. Our last line of defense would be for us to turn on the LHC and have the zombies declare and all out war on the jellyfish. In all honesty I haven’t run enough test simulations to see how this option would fare for humanity. All I know is that at least I have a sword which should give me a fighting chance against these things. Together with my crowbar, I have a pretty decent plan for surviving whatever zombie/jellyfish combination of apocali that mother nature throws at me.