Wednesday, April 29, 2009

EVERYBODY PANIC



(Isn't swine flu kitty cute?)

So here we are, once again, being inundated with EVERYBODY PANIC! news coverage of this swine flu thing. And, as with every new catastrophic pandemic the dumbest portion of the population will generally be glued to their tv while sitting in a plastic bag with all the windows and doors duct taped shut waiting for the news to tell them its ok to come out again.

I tend to not watch the news while stuff like this is going on if only to keep my sanity. I saw a headline today which read something to the effect of First confirmed case of death due to swine flu in the US. Pretty scary stuff, right? Wrong. What the Scaretastic headline doesnt mention, and the article only casually mentions as well, is that the person that died was a citizen of Mexico and had come here to the US for treatment. And while that is tragic, not quite as dramatic as the headline would have you believe.

I would like to now casually point out that the normal flu that goes around every year kills, on average, 64,000 people according to the CDC. Where are all the panic headlines for that? Currently, this swine flu has caused the deaths of around 100 people, all in third world countries, namely Mexico, that have sub-par medical treatments available. The fact is that many of the people that have been infected here in the US are doing quite fine and the risk of death for them is substantially lower.

I know you are probably saying right now lolz, but mike if we dont panic the next one might be the real thing and we wont be prepared. I am not saying to not be prepared. And Im quite sure we are pretty well prepared already, hence the lack of US deaths related to swine flu thus far. I just wish the media would stop blowing things completely out of proportion simply because there is nothing else to talk about.

But, lets face it, scaremongering sells. The media has a feeding frenzy every time something like this happens because it knows that people will be terrified and watch their channel 24/7. Remember SARS a few years back? Of course you don't because it caused the zombie apocalypse that ended humanity.

The number one leading cause of death for humans has and will always be life.

There, end diatribe. Now for mine and your amusement: The Jack In The Box Mini Sirloin Burgers Commercial. Beware, the song will be in your head all day.

Monday, April 27, 2009

More like chimney sweeps



Aside from me attempting to write my own sitcom, I am not someone you would necessarily categorize as being in the biz. With that in mind, I will attempt to rationalize why the big 4 networks (ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC) constantly shake up their programming lineups by having some weeks with no episodes, some weeks with multiple episodes and some weeks with episodes that are cliff hangers followed by a week with no episode.

After doing a fair amount of research (read: none), I discovered that the majority of schedule based decisions are made based on the sweeps time of the year. You see, if I understand this correctly, during a certain time of the year, generally in May, the Nielsen Ratings group sends out their diaries to their focus groups. The networks understand that their shows had better be not only showing, but be of the highest caliber if they want to take home the coveted ratings crown which has significant meaning (read: none).

The idea is to have the best programming on during the sweeps period which will in turn garner the highest number of viewers which in turn means more hookers and blow for the executives. I am now going to explain the flaw in this logic:

Imagine this scenario: Joe 12pack comes home from a long day schlepping it down in the coal mines. He cracks open a beer and gets ready to watch How I Met Your Mother, which will be on tonight because tonight is Monday and the past 9 Mondays have all had new episodes. Imagine his surprise when instead of How I Met Your Mother, he finds himself watching And now the new hit sitcom guy gets hit with shovel in head for a million bucks! on only on CBS. Joe is now confused. Has his show been cancelled? Moved to a new timeslot? Cancelled?

Joes life is now spiraling toward oblivion. And whats worse is that Carlos Mencia is hosting this new show. Joe now assumes that 7:00 on Monday will now be filled with garbage and switches over to FOX to watch Sarah Conner Chronicles which, much to Future Joes disappointment, has already been cancelled. Summer Glau weeps for Joe. This means that Joe will not even attempt to watch the show during sweeps because he assumes there will never be another episode of it ever. No hookers or blow for executives.

My point is this: Do what 24 and occasionally LOST do. Have an uninterrupted run of episodes at the same time on the same day of the week. Sure, if that means starting the season later to accommodate the almighty sweeps, so be it. Everyone will be happy, especially the hookers and drug dealers. They really need to make me the head of a network already. I have TONS of ideas like this. However, most of them involve Steven Segal...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Getting screwed wholesale



Whoa, been more than a week since the last post. So let's see what's in the news right now? Oh, today is Earth Day. So everyone needs to go out today and give the Earth a high-five or a fistbump to let it know that you are still down with it. We would not want the Earth to think that we are no longer BFF with it.

In the future, hopefully we will have colonized other celestial bodies and we can have days for those as well. Who wouldn't want to celebrate Titan Day, or Gliese 581 e Day? I, for one, welcome a time where every day of the year has a certain planet's holiday associated with it. Think of all the cake!

Today is also Administrative Professionals Day, or Secretary's Day if you want to be an ass about it. So if you are fortunate enough to have a secretary, go give them a good fistbump to show them how much you appreciate their dedicated service. Or go bang a really ugly one, if that's your way of showing appreciation.

Having 2 holidays on 1 day seems like a bit of a cop out. I mean, seriously, now we are only going to be able to get 1 cake. And it will probably have something to the effect of "Happy Earth/Administrative Professionals (Secretary's) Day!" written on it and there will be barely any room to put lots of strawberries, if any at all, on it. This time, they have gone too far. First, they took away Washington's Birthday and I said nothing. Next, it will be Columbus Day. Where does it stop people?

In closing, as you are enjoying your Upgrayedd (Double-Dose) Holiday with a nice piece of cake, take some time out to think of all the other cakes you could be eating.

I realize this was sort of a rambling post, but I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My traffic proposal



Traffic is occasionally miserable in Houston, understandably so. The thing about it, however, is that almost all traffic is caused by nitwits who are putting on makeup, reading the paper and smoking a ciggy.while driving at the same time. They then invariably cause a wreck which causes the fire department to spend the next 30 minutes scraping their entrails off the off the freeway backing traffic up for miles. (Quick tangent, there really was a guy reading the paper and smoking a ciggy while I was driving into work today).

Unfortunately, the actual wreck itself is not the only contributor to slow traffic flow. Drivers, who have been poking along at 1-2 mph for the past 45 minutes have long since given up any hope of getting to their destination on time. They get into a mindset that I like to call Forgotspeedlimitidis. While in this state, they forget that the speed limit on the freeway is 65mph and they basically continue to putter around at 30-40 mph, causing right-minded drivers to blow by them which will typically illicit the honking of a horn and possibly a faintly audible asshole! from the slow driver.

Now, I am no traffic flow expert by any means. In fact, I am not even sure there is such a thing. Nevertheless, I do have a proposal that would enable conscious drivers like myself to enjoy a swift, carefree ride into work each day. My proposal is to have two lanes on the left side of every freeway, similar to HOV lanes. These lanes, which for the purposes of this blog we will call Awesome Lanes, will be for drivers with a clean record only.

You will be free to driver on these lanes as long as you do not cause a wreck. However, once you do, and it is blatantly your fault, thats it, youre done, forever. From that point onwards, you will not be allowed to drive on the awesome people lanes, ever, for as long as you live.

Now, you are probably asking yourself right now but.but.but.m1ke, who will decide who is at fault in the wreck?. The solution is simple. Trial by a jury of your peers, of course. 13 random fellow Awesome Drivers will be sent all the evidence about the wreck including, but not limited to: police reports, pictures, eyewitness testimony and anything else needed. Jurors will be able to vote anonymously online without deliberation. A 2 thirds majority will result in the driver never being allowed to drive on the Awesome Lanes again.

There, problem solved.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The smoke monster is bored



Ok, since last night's LOST was so epic, I decided I would add my two cents about what I felt was a hilarious turn of events for our good friend Ben. If I have ever talked to you about LOST, you know I am a huge fan of Ben. The guy is a man with a plan and he always executes it regardless of consequences to other. He is a freaking ice man.

Last time Ben was in his house he was still "the man" of the island. His daughter had just been killed and he displayed to us his ability to summon the smoke monster and kill the mercenaries responsible. He did this (at the time we really didn't know how) by apparently going into his already secret room which itself also had a secret room. In last night's episode, we learned that he drained some sort of muddy water at the end of a hallway which enabled him to "communicate" with the monster.

Within seconds of doing this after his daughter was killed, the monster appeared and thrashed the mercenaries senseless. Last night, after Ben uttered "I'll be outside", he assumed it would be the same sort of instant reaction to his command. He even warned Sun that whatever was about to come out of the jungle was something he could not control and that she might want to go inside for protection. The monster never appeared. It was as if when the monster heard Ben say he would be outside, he simply continued to watch Gilligan's Island reruns on Nick at Night while giving Ben the finger.

The monster had had it with Ben. Just like a teenager refusing to clean their room on their parent's instruction. The monster was saying "you wanna talk to me, come down to my super secret lair. I don't feel like tromping through the jungle. You guys have been gone for three years leaving me with no one to shake trees at. Plus this is the one where Gilligan and company might finally get off the island, no way I'm missing that. Oh, that Gilligan."

Even when Ben finally made it to the temple, he had to wait a bit for the monster to appear, probably having to wait for a commercial break no doubt. It then appears, surrounds ben and flashes images of his past to him, mostly about Alex, mostly. The monster than manifests itself as alex and violently tells Ben that should he so much as touch John Locke again, that it will destroy him. Than, as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. Keyser Soze ain't got nothin on the monster.

This was easily the best episode this season. Locke and Ben centric episodes never fail to live up to the hype. I seriously cannot wait to see how the rest of this season will play out. Damn you ABC for your upcoming clip show in 2 weeks. The smoke monster frowns upon your shenanigans.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A message to pirates



Dear Somali Pirates,

You have had a pretty good run lately of hijacking cargo ships and picking up hefty randsoms for their safe return. We applaud you in your endeavour. However, you recently hijacked a vessel that flew and American flag and had an all American crew. Now we understand that you may have become bored while hijacking other countries ships and always getting your randsom money right away. Unfortuentaly for you, your bold quest for a bigger bounty from hijacking an American ship was, for lack of a better phrase, a huge mistake.

You see, we Americans have all seen Die Hard and Under Siege. We know how to get stuff like this handled in the swiftest way possible. We crawl through air vents and yell phrases like "yippie-ky-ay" as we send dead terrorists down elevator shafts with clever and amusing phrases written on their shirt. We can withstand a barrage of bullets while beating down the 20 people shooting them with nothing more than a tire iron. And we always get the girl at the end.

After 9/11, you should realize that hostages are no longer going to sit idly by while you attempt to extort their employers. You are no doubt understanding this well now as several of your comrades are floating in the open ocen and another in custody after being defeated by an unarmed crew. Neither Cockpuncher nor Jack Bauer were needed.

So please, do yourself a favor and stick to messing with ships that are crewed by more wussy countries, like France. You don't mess with America. We're all a bunch of crazy bastards over here and we like nothing more than kicking other people's asses. And lets face it, you guys are not exactly in a position of sympathy in the eyes of the world.

Regards,

America

I don't think you've got the balls.
Cockpuncher

Monday, April 6, 2009

Opening Day



Welcome to Opening Day 2009. The first and last day of the season where all 30 teams are even in the standings, fresh with their 0-0 records. Tomorrow, 15 local newspapers across the country will declare their team "contenders" after their first win while the 15 others will declare the season over and start wondering about what moves need to be made for next season. Unfortunately, I feel the Astros will fall into the latter of those two categories this season.

This preseason was nothing short of a disaster for the stros. They finished with an abysmal 12-16-4 record with the final loss coming to their own AA team. One stretch of the preseason left the Astros winless for more than 2 weeks. Headlines such as Wandy shines in 9-5 loss were common place. It does appear that Roy Oswalt will be the only pitcher worthy of being a starting pitcher. The rest, as one of my friends put it, would have a hard time making the starting roster for a nursing home softball team.

It seems like less and less of a stretch that the Astros will finish in the bottom half of not only their division, but all of baseball. They will have company with the usual bunch of stragglers like the Royals and the Pirates, all of whom have not had a winning season in decades. My prediction of 61-101 does not see as far fetched as it did when I originally (sarcastically) made it in the first place. But hey, that is what happens when you fill out a lineup card with 2 career .200 hitters and 4 pitchers who have either spent most of their career on the DL or failed to win even 10 games this past season.

Hopefully, I am wrong. And if I am I will own up to it. If I am wrong, it will mean that Berkman and Lee and Oswalt had spectacular years, all worthy of MVP and Cy Young considerations. It will also mean that Michael Bourne and Geoff Blum forget that they couldnt hit the broad side of a barn. Matsui and Hampton will have to stay off the DL. Wandy will have learned how to win on the road and the rest of our pitchers will have learned to pitch period.

So I suppose that if all of the above were to transpire then, yes, they might have a shot at making the playoffs. Im not going to hold my breath.

I've come to the conclusion that the two most important things in life are good friends and a good bullpen.
~Bob Lemon

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Strange internet



Folks, I have found it: the pinnacle of human communication. This website allows you to instantly talk to a complete stranger on the internet. Thats ALL it does. You go there, click Start a Chat and you are then instantly connected to a conversational partner. You are free to leave the chat at any time and talk about what ever you want.

Now, we all know the internets are serious business. With that in mind here is just a sample of the conversations I had while fiddling with it yesterday:

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hi
Stranger: hello
You: are you a chat bot?
Stranger: nope im a real person!!
You: hmm, i see
Stranger: yep
You: are you that alien from the movie sphere?
Stranger: i dunno what sphere is
You: hmm, that's what the alien would have said.....
Stranger: i swear im not an alien!!
You have disconnected.


Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hi.
Stranger: Hi
You: How many different kinds of fish can you name?
Stranger: Not many, why?
You: It's the yardstick by which I measure all my conversational partners
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

The conversations will vary from conversational partner to conversational partner (I was even ascii rick-rolled) with the majority of them being completely idiotic. It also appears that most of the people who use this service are from Europe, more specifically Poland. I am not sure what to make of this yet, but I am fairly certain it will only end in tears. Let me know what you think!

And no, you cant has a April Fools Day joke, not yours.
My Amazon.com Wish List